* s t a r d u s t a g a i n s t a p a l e s k y *

A falling star is a phenomenon to an adult and magic- a miracle- to a child. Who's right? Things are what you define them. So who am I? I guess it's up to you...

10.31.2004

*Moving On Up*

We're in the computer lab looking for apartments to move off campus. That would be so freakin awesome. I love these people, they rock. :-D

Shannon had this on her blog. I'm such a klepto.

1) Alabama 2) Alaska 3) Arizona 4) Arkansas 5) California 6) Colorado 7) Connecticut 8) Delaware 9) Florida 10) Georgia 11) Hawaii 12) Idaho 13) Illinois 14) Indiana 15) Iowa 16) Kansas 17) Kentucky 18) Louisiana 19) Maine 20) Maryland 21) Massachusetts 22) Michigan 23) Minnesota 24) Mississippi 25) Missouri 26) Montana 27) Nebraska 28) Nevada 29) New Hampshire 30) New Jersey 31) New Mexico 32) New York 33) North Carolina 34) North Dakota 35) Ohio 36) Oklahoma 37) Oregon 38) Pennsylvania 39) Rhode Island 40) South Carolina 41) South Dakota 42) Tennessee 43) Texas 44) Utah 45) Vermont 46) Virginia 47) Washington 48) West Virginia 49) Wisconsin 50) Wyoming 51) Washington DC

Those are the places I've been to.. Man, I want to hit them all. ROAD TRIP!

Hehe. I'm in a weird mood and.. I'm so tired that I don't really have much to say. This screen is really dirty and I don't even want to look at it because it's so ugly. I think I'll go over and look at Mike instead. He's so cute. *smile*

Running away now..

Yay daylight savings time!

Michael, for the amount of time that you spend reading my blog, I think you owe me a comment, punk.

10.30.2004

*Relief*

I actually feel a whole lot better after the freakout last night and the blurtout this morning about Mickey. I didn't even think about it. It felt good not to have things on my mind, except missing Mike. Maybe all I needed to do was express it in full instead of just mentioning it halfway to someone once in a while. I do need to watch the amount I mention that relationship and I need to be careful not to compare things-- although everything in light of my last relationship looks pretty darn good. :-) Especially with Mike, where everything so far between him and I has been.. fitting. That's not really the right word but.. yea. So .. I'm going to be a good girlfriend and care for him and not me because he means so much to me. I don't want to ever hurt him.. and thats a good feeling.

Looking out for someone else is so much more fulfilling than looking out for my own interest. Its like when I sprained my wrist in the middle of the woods on Exodus and Lauren, who was feeling terrible that day, helped me out and took care of me until we could stop and figure out what was wrong with the wrist. She told the group that night that it meant a lot to her to have me to care for. In the same way, on the same day I sprained my wrist, Rose hurt her ankle, and I was trying to take care of her. I didn't want anyone to ask me about my wrist or about me because I despise attention but taking care of her took my mind completely off the pain. I told everyone I thought it was just bruised despite the pain. At least now I'm being honest about my pain. And people really are taking care of me. It's my turn.

So, on the honest note, I have a headache that kinda makes it feel like my eardrums are about to get up and walk away. My fingers are cold and this chair has no back and my back is crookedly sitting and it hurts a lot. But I'm content because I love Jenni and Alicia and I know that Mike will come home tonight and I can hug him and smile at him and it will make everything in the world alright.

So on that note, I think I'm going to be studying (slash sleeping) now.

*Clarification*

So.. being not as crazy this morning, I thought I'd shed some light on my message last night. At first I thought I'd delete it but.. that stuff was probably closer to my heart than most things I write here. It was raw emotion-- slamming down on the keys before the thoughts even came to my mind.

It had nothing to do with anyone but myself. I was very nervous about how to act through the whole movie and in my nervousness, I missed half the plot and felt stupid having to ask. I tried to laugh it off but I did feel stupid, especially because I missed it worrying over silly things. But in the past I had had a panic attack over something wort of stupid in drama-- where I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't breathe at all at times and... last night was the first time I felt that since.. Sophomore year in High School. So it scared the crap out of me.

The whole "Sara/h" thing came out of that because last time I experienced something like this was in drama, and had a lot to do with Sara's name being called over and over and over by everyone I ever wanted to be friends with- and it was just overwhelming. I wanted to change my name like no one you'd ever know. I wanted to come to this college even and be like, people call me Kay... or something... just make something up. But I didn't want to be dishonest so here I am stuck in this name.

But anyway, I know I sounded like a psychopath but... hell, we're all crazy sometimes. I was suffocating, literally, while typing. I wanted to get it all out before my emotions deadened and dissolved.

I still worry about the stupidest things. Especially things back home, like Mickey's family. I really love them. I never noticed it before. But I think about them often. Their dog died a few weeks ago and I felt like calling them-- something I never even did in the past. But I know that's not appropriate. I have to send my condolences via my mom and the school network and... its not genuine that way. It's just weird. I don't have emotion for him anymore but sadness, every so often. I'm not sad that its over-- in fact, if I have ever been right about anything in my life, it was that-- but I'm sad that we never saw eye to eye at the end. He didn't know what he was doing to me-- screwing me up in a way no one could even imagine that knew us. He didn't know.. he'll never know. I used to say to myself... as a reason/justification for breaking up with him... that someday he'll look back on our relationship and appreciate me. But I don't think that will ever happen now. Because at the end of our relationship I was so emotionally screwed up that at most he'll look back and say "Damn, that chick was really screwed up"... and never think twice that it was a 2 year relationship with someone who didn't really understand what I was going through that screwed me up. Oh well. Life goes on.

And life involves someone that I actually have that extreme emotion for-- but I guess this whole Mickey thing had to be thought of. I don't know. I'm not one to put unended things in my past and forget about them. I like closure. And even if it's only closure with myself, then that's fine. But I haven't done that, and I need to.. to move on like I have.

So here it is: It's over. It's over because I said "Mickey, it has to be over" and it was. He hated me. I begged for him back. I hated him, but cared for him. I begged anyway. I don't know what was going on in my mind. But my emotion was long lost by then. I desired closeness and didn't think I could get it elsewhere. I put it behind me but still hated that last day- I said let's go to dinner.. to say goodbye-- to college, to each other. He said I have to eat dinner with my family, let's get ice cream. I had to drive because his arm was still in a cast. So I picked him up, already with tears in my eyes. Small talk. Tears growing. He let me buy his ice cream. In the car, more small talk, tears started falling. He said he didn't want to eat the ice cream until after dinner. So we had to go home before it melted. I was extremely angry at him and extremely sad at the same time, especially because he was forcing me to make this goodbye the fastest trip out with him ever. So I drove up to his house, the tears overflowed. We never said anything about it at all. I was bawling, never looked him in the eye. He rubbed my arm and got out of the car. I pulled about 10 feet away and cried for at least half an hour- out loud, screaming crying like I cried as a child. A cry I've only heard once before in my recollection that involved my parent's getting divorced. He came out, got his mail, saw the car... went back inside. And that was the last time I saw him.

So that's why its so terrible. Sure, I've talked to him once since then. I mean, hell, he said he'd always talk to me. But always apparently was too strong a word for him to be using. I feel like crap, I felt like writing that down would help me to resolve it but it hasn't. He really has me in an emotional downfall. I wish he would just talk to me about what happened. Talk to me about what's happening now. That way I can tell him that I have found something in my darkness that brings me light. That way I can tell him that he ripped my heart to pieces when he yelled at me, when we fought. That his ways of attacking me for everything I said only made me say them stupider and made me more and more retarded and stupid and fucked up when I argued. But I always had those early days in mind. I wish I could tell him that I never lied. That I would always be a friend if he needed me. That if all hope was gone, I would be there. That if I could take it all back, I wouldn't take it all back. That I am falling for someone now who means the absolute world to me-- that there are guys in the world who do understand me... that there are guys who hold the door, smile at me randomly just because, send me emails that reach my heart.

Maybe I am over him. I just selfishly want closure for myself. Because obviously he got it. He ended it in his heart. And I did too. But my mind lingers on the necklace I pulled out last night. The necklace I brought to college expecting I'd put it back on. But I didn't even want to touch it. It burned. I felt like I was in the Lord Of The Rings.. and I suppose it is very comparable to that. I am drawn to it yet it is not a symbol of love. It is the ring of power.

So here it is: I am done. I am done with my thoughts lingering on the one person who has thus far had the most influence on my life besides my parents. I want my emotions to be pure here: to my friends, to my best friend, to God. And this messiness does nothing but fog the way. I would still talk to him, but I would never feel anything. And I guess that's closure enough for me.

Do I still struggle with that person who was me? Yes. Maybe that's another reason I don't want to be Sarah. That's not me anymore. That person isn't me. Thats why I started tacking my middle name onto things. Sarah Kay, Sarah Kat, Sarah Kathryn. I'd rather lose the Sarah altogether. I know its a stupid thing... but it's symbolic of a new age, a new coming to be, an identity lost as well as an identity found.

Michael is away today with his family... *sigh*. I think it's good that he's away because I don't want to become too attached. I'm so emotionally attached to him because he listens to me. He understands me. But I don't want to hurt him by relying on him. I really don't want to hurt him from reading this... because he knows my heart, and he sees that it is broken. I want to piece it back together-- for him. He makes me want to be a real person instead of just a page full of letters. He makes me a real person. I don't know how I would have survived even just last night without his smile. He gave me the breath to breathe last night. His smile took it away and gave it back purer, cleaner. He wipes away my fears and sorrows. He is a friend I thought I'd never have. <3

I think another thing in my life I need to focus more on is devotions. God has been listening so well and responding to me and I know I should spend more time listening and responding to Him. I praise Him every day for always being there when I cry out.. I thank him every day for Jenni and Alicia.. for all our friends.. for Michael.

"Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths. How precious is Your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings." Psalm 36:5-7

*shit*

Shit. The Unions closing I guess that means I should leave now. Blah. g.

I don't even really care anymore. Its just getting to that point where I'm slamming on the keys just because I miss my fucking punching bag. My dad's not even going to hang it ant home. He;s gonna lert it isidsidt;zsegbdfvjhbsd kjyggtfvfnwugsry

*Sarah.*

My entire life can officially be summed up in one event that has happened to me so many times that i couldn't even being to list them all.

Someone else: "Sarah!"
Me: "Yes?"
Someone else: "No, not you."

It's in drama. Fucking Sara Ferguson. She had fucking everything.. one of those fucking girls that everyone wants to be. She had the perfect body and the perfect fucking voice and she could act like anything she wanted except herself. She was the fakest person I ever knew. Needless to say, when I started drama... no one ever wanted me. It was always fucking Sara Ferguson they were calling. I couldn't even hate her because she was so fucking nice to me. Bitch.

Grade school it was so many of those fucking Sarahs. Sarahs with denial over their h's. And its never going to fucking change.. all because of a fucking name. All I fucking want is an identity. All I fucking got was this name.

Why do I suddenly have a complete hatred for someone I don't even know because her stupid name is the same as mine? I don't understand why of all the combinations of letters in the alphabet, anyone would want to chose the same one for so many people. It doesn't make any sense. All I really want is something of my own.. something that when someone calls me, I can say "yes?" and they will tell me what they want of me. Hell, I'll give them anything.

I just don't understand why no one ever wants to be near me, and I don't know what I am constantly doing that completely upsets people to the point of not talking. I think it's mostly that people don't know me. I'll tell them something deep so that they have a false sense of knowing me.. but no one knows me but God. I don't even know me.

Its my fucking name and I'm getting so sick of it. I'm sick of hearing it. Sick of being called by it. Sick of being fucking labeled with a fucking word. I am not that chick over there playing foosball with my boyfriend. I am not that fucking girl over there that is about an inch from going out with that fucking guy over there. I am not anyone but fucking me. Call me by something other than fucking Sarah. That's not me. It's not fucking me. Fuck you.

Whoever reads this fucking blog.. please don't be pissed.. or get any fucking ideas in your head that I think anything bad of Sarah or anyone named Sarah for that matter. But its something that has followed me.. haunted me my entire life. Being the loser in the corner that no one is fucking calling and yet having everyone elses name is one of the most fucking annoying things i've ever experienced. And its my NAME. Its stuck with me for the rest of my fucking life and I am stuck with it. Fuck Names. Call me Joe.

10.29.2004

*Wow.. I Have Too Much Time*

A little about yourself…
hmm... well apparently no one cares a little about me cuz the fucking computer ate the whole fucking survey. Who gives a shit.

10.28.2004

*Allowed?*

Am I allowed to be incredibly happy amidst the anger and tension i'm feeling among some of my friends? Am I allowed to admit I'm happy in this world at all? I think I should mention the good things... because it's not all bad. It just is that bad is generally the only thing I feel is worth writing about.

This is me. I don't need words to define me.. I define me. Some people haven't really agreed with who I am thus far.. but I like when people confront me about their concerns in my personality defects-- or what they view as defects. I like explaining, because people understand once they ask. I believe the only way we will truly know each other is if we challenge each other. I'm okay with someone pulling me aside just to say "i dont understand.. what's going on? why do you do this? what is on your mind when you do such things or say such things?". I really am, despite my hatred of confrontation.

I think it's best for me, despite the fact that I really think the whole group is going to be okay for the most part, to be spending more time one on one with people. I like relationships to have depth as well as breadth. It's worth it to me to be away from the comfort of laughter with the group to be challenged one on one by other people's views and opinions.

I liked tonight-- laying cuddled with the group under the stars (slash clouds) and watching the moon slowly fade away and come back into view a few hours later. Its not even that late yet and I'm going to bed. I don't have to get up until 1:20 for MTS class, because FYS was cancelled for writing conferences. :-D

I don't know why, but I feel extremely sick to my stomach all of a sudden... I think I'm gonna... go... now.... AHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...................

10.27.2004

*Lost the Keys To My Own Diary*

I feel like I don't know myself. Who am I? Is my past real? Is my present real? What is going to happen to me? What do I think? What do I feel?

I feel like I've lost the keys to my own diary

Actually, i did lose the keys to my diary. I bought it for the specific purpose of college and I wrote in it once, the first day. I figured I'd want to remember all that beginning stuff. Buuut.. I missed that. It went so fast.

Under the starry sky
Dig the grave and let me die
Glad did live and gladly die
And I laid me down with a will
-Rocert Lewis Stevenson
*sigh* dinner.............................................

*Oh Jersey, How I Long For You*

I'm already missing home. Though I'm not sure if it's home that I miss or just.. being away from conflict.

I know I'm a blog stealing klepto, but Shannon had this on her profile and I'm stealing yet another thing cuz.. its so true :-)

I live in New Jersey. I curse..a lot. I say "yo" and I say it often. I sure as hell don't pump my own gas. I know what real pizza tastes like and I know a bagel is much more than a roll with a hole in the middle. I judge people by what exit they are off the parkway. I can navigate a traffic cirlce with attitude. All good nights must end at a diner, preferably with cheese fries or a cheese steak. It's a sub, not a hero and I wash it down with soda, not pop. I know that 65mph really means 80. I know what a "jughandle" is. I know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from New York.. or Texas. I know that it's called "Great Adventure", not "Six Flags". And I definitely know what a Wawa is.

So.. I'm dealing well today.. I think. Maybe little to no human contact will do me good. I think maybe I'm going to attempt to spend the day as silent as possible, in prayer. I know that God is the only helper, the only keeper of the stars and my heart.

There is an eclipse tonight. A thing of wonder going black. I used to marvel at the wonder and magnificence of life and similarly, this dark shadow seems to be falling in upon it. But with a new day comes the pealing away of the shadow. And I suppose that it is only through Christ that I will find that light again.

I don't write in my blog for people. I have found that lately I've been doing things here to please or at least not to set off other people. I hate conflict and so I've been protecting myself from it. But if you don't like it, don't read my blog. It's my life, it's my thoughts. Maybe someday you'll read about it in a book and maybe someday you'll say to yourself "whatever happened to sarah?" and then go on about your business as usual.

Michael is an amazing gift to my life. We had a fairytale beginning that couldn't be describe as anything other. But life is not like a movie. Life does not run smoothly with one happy ending leading to another. Life is messy, it is unpredictable. And so here I am, and what am I to do? He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel understood. Most of all, he makes me feel. I know that how this all came into place was a horrible movie plot. It was messy-- it was life. Maybe I shouldn't have done all that-- but its over. It's done with. This is how things are. I can't sit here and worry about what other people think. Other people are not living my life. They will never, can never understand exactly what goes on in my heart-- and neither can I. But I know that God has a plan for me. I know that these thoughts running through my mind have a specific purpose. I know that life has a specific purpose, and that is to serve Him. Not to serve the people who read my blog, or the friends I thought I had. Not to serve myself. Not to serve some mystery power that brings it all together.

So I will try to fight off indifference, anger, sadness. I will try to stay in this place long enough to get a firm grip and hold on tight as I wander back into the world.

Crucified and laid behind a stone-- He lived to die, rejected and alone. Like a rose trampled on the ground, He took the fall. He thought of you above all.

*It's All Been Done*

Chuck's profile says it best: I didn't know it was possible to *think* without knowing what one is *thinking* about. I can't wrap my mind around things. It's a strange feeling.

It's true. Its a weird, amazingly annoying feeling to not feel at all. I keep drifting from feeling to unfeeling.. especially today. I'm not sure anymore which is better-- not caring or caring way too much.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be gathered unto you. Allelu, Alleluia.

I am not sure how to act in a group setting now. I haven't since I've been home and.. I just don't know. I have to be all conscious about who I'm talking to, for how long, do I look them in the eye? Am i listening to what they're saying? Do they see that I understand and am genuinely paying attention?

Ehh.. maybe the group thing isn't for me.

I don't want to screw things up.. so maybe it would be best for me to drop out of the social scene for a while. Just lay low, do schoolwork, hang out with people one on one and just kinda.. drift. I don't know

I think I am supposed to meet with Ben tomorrow. There's a note on my computer that says "wed. 1:00 union" .. so I think that's what it means. I don't know how that's going to go. I have a strange feeling that I will be dying during my extemp. speech when I have to go to comm at 2. I have a feeling that my feelings will return in time to feel terrible when I'm hanging out with Ben-- because I know I want to be his friend, but I know he doesn't deserve this crap, and I know I screwed things up with him.

I guess if you've never not had feeling, you wouldn't understand me right now.

It's not for real... I'm afraid to feel... I just hit the floor, don't ask for more.

10.26.2004

*Running Away*

Jenny on Forrest Gump said:
"Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far- far, far away."

I want to run away. I found myself indulging my interest in maps, planning on how and when and where I could run away. I hate discontent. I hate underlying anger. I hate dishonesty through actions-- fakeness.

I feel like I've ruined it all. That wonderfulness of group participation.. having friends who trust you.. I've already screwed it all up.

I came to college thinking "this is it.. no one knows me.. it really is a clean start" and here I am wishing for another chance at a new start. I've had so many chances.

This time I thought I'd try not to be so introverted. Now i find myself with little aloneness... little privacy... I feel completely naked to the world. I hate it. I liked my homey little world when I didn't talk to anyone and no one talked to me. I liked when the only people I allowed to get close to me were my best friends. I liked being the girlfriend of one of the popular people so he could do the talking for me, even if he was a verbally abusive jerk.

I've been thinking lately on that stupid survey I filled out yesterday or whenever. It asked if you had ever been in love and I put question marks. But I loved Mickey. I did. I never doubted that.. I just hate that I don't I guess. If I didn't love him at one point, I wouldn't care for him after all that shit.. everything that went on between us. I wouldn't hate that he doesn't talk to me and that I don't even know if he's just getting drunk and having sex with every chick at college. I wish I had more faith in him. But I felt him falling. I fell with him. I loved the former him.. but I don't love the man he became.. excuse me, the boy he became.

Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about me. Sometimes I wonder where he is and what he's doing. What he wants to be, and if I see him again, what I would say, how I would feel? I wonder if theres any hope for becoming un-screwed up from that relationship. I wonder if he ever kept a promise. I wonder if I should ever use the word "forever" again. I wonder why God put that relationship in my life: what I learned, what I gained. Because it all feels like loss. It even feels like loss that I lost him. But I still think I should've lost him much earlier anyway.

I hate fakeness. I really really really really really-- times a million-- hate fakeness. I hate acting like everythings okay in my dorm, with my friends, when I know its not. I hate that people don't come up to me and tell me when they have a problem with me-- i hate confrontation, but I hate FAKENESS even more. Having people whispering about me behind my back is the worst feeling in the entire world that I've felt thus far. Especially people who you care for. Especially people who you trust. Especially people who you would die for. Especially people you love.

Speaking of feeling.. I have feeling today. I'm sick. I'm sad. I'm angry. But I'm something, and that is a big improvement. If you've never been depressed, its hard to understand a feeling of nonemotion. But it is terrible. Its so terrible that I'm actually happy to be sad and angry today. Because feeling is something. and something is more than nothing. i hate nothingness. almost as much as i hate fakeness.

dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far- far, far away.

I want to get away, I want to fly away.

do you think if i jump off this bridge, He would catch me? would you?

*Its Hot in Herrrrr*

I'm in hess basement... blogging.. cuz i have nothing better to do.. except all those assignments that i should be doing that i'm not. But nothing out of the ordinary. i wish i had something better to do with my time than blog. wait.. no i don't. i'm having a lot of fun right now.. cuz.. i'm happy and thats all that matters anyway now doesn't it?

I wish i wasn't wearing a sweater. i wish i wasn't so well dressed for the weather today and had froze outside so that i could be nice and toasty but not sweaty now.

I'm so dumb. hehe.

Okay so i'm completely drunk on pizza. i love pizza. pizza is the coolest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. my first word was pizza. so far, whenever i leave school, i have pizza from at least one of my favorite pizza places.. and i always stop at pizza hut express on the turnpike on the way back to jersey. pizza pizza pizza.

This is probably the best mood i've been in since forever. since a really long time. and it wasn't an extraordinary night really. its just that.. its only 12:30 and i am happy already. *sigh* i'm happy.

let me say that again, I'M HAPPY!!

Woah... I'M HAPPY!

32 wallaby way sydney!

side note to mike: haha.. i added stuff to old posts just to annoy you since you obsessively check my blog, now you will suffer! Mwahahahahahahahaha

10.25.2004

*BlaH Day*

today was just.. here.

i had to do an impromptu speech.. my topic that i pulled out of a hat was "predestination vs. free will". when i am nervous, i tend to sound like a 5th grader trying to explain nuclear science. i was definitely, by far, the worst presentation in my class. i can't pull things out of my head when people are looking at me.

My speech: umm.. hi. thanks a lot for the stupid topic. my topic is predestination vs. free will. i'll start by umm.. i guess, defining them. predestination is like.. people believe you're pre destined to do.. something. (audience: like go to heaven!)... yea, heaven.. riight. and free will is when you do it yourself. my personal belief is that god already knows what you're going to do, but you do have the power to control it yourself. so.. when you're stupid....................................... i don't know where that was going. *nervous laughter*... umm... soo... yeah......................... can i sit down now?



oh well. obla-di.

i'm..........................................................................

*W i s h i n g a n d h o p i n g a n d t h i n k i n g a n d p r a y i n g*

*sigh* Home IS where the heart is.

I'm at home with you.

*This Is Not For Real, Afraid To Feel.. I'm Wasting My Time*

Shannon had this survey on her Blog and I thought "yay! Something to waste time with! I love you Shannon!"
____YOUR LIFE____
[x] they call me: sarah
[x] also: ...
[x] sex: chick
[x] my first breath of air: september 2 1986
[x] age: 18
[x] status: confuzzled
[x] occupation: student @ messiah college; laura's fudge manager in the summer, former mary kay beauty consultant and commerce bank teller
[x] nationality: puerto rican, italian, irish, german, etc.
[x] best homegirl[s]: shannon, jenni, alicia
____REWIND____
[x] most memorable memory: meeting jess (and the next 400 times i saw him were fun too), and probably @ college its gotta be the elevator night. haha
[x] worst?: drama cast party... sound of music... dan taylor... oh dear... I'm sure there's worse ones but thats the only thing I can think of..
[x] first word uttered: "pizza"
[x] first bestfriend ever!?: danny spector
____FAST FORWARD____
[x] college planning to go: hmm.. I'm thinking about Messiah but I'm not sure
[x] future resident of: new jersey or at least something near the east coast shore
[x] wedding: hopefully :-) (love. is. unpredictable.)
[x] children: jacob, colin, and sadie
[x] looking forward to thanksgiving: yes because my house will be in order and we'll be having our first party in the new place :-)
[x] NOT looking forward to: leaving college
____PLAY____
[x] feeling: carsick/lonely
[x] Listening: BBMak - Love is Unpredictable
[x] Talking: negative
[x] doing: wasting time
[x] craving: a hug :-\
[x] thinking of: :-X
[x] hating: superficiality (and lack of vocabulary)
____LOVE?____
[x] love is: unpredictable
[x] first love: ???
[x] current love: ???
[x] love or lust?: love
[x] best love song: "have you ever"; "i thought about you"; pretty much anything by 98 degrees or frank sinatra; so, so many more
[x] is it possible to be in love w/ more than one person @ the same time?: depends on how you define 'love'-- no
[x] when love hurts, you: lean on a good friend
[x] true or false - all you need is love: false... but its pretty close to true :-)
[x] have you ever been in love?: ???
[x] is there such thing as love @ first sight?: maybe
____THE OPPOSITE SEX____
[x] turn ons: eye contact.. being pursued
[x] turn offs: aggressiveness
[x] does your parents' opinion on your bf/gf matter to you?: yes
[x] what kinda hair style?: hmm.. i used to like dark curly headed guys or medium-length blondes but.. it hasn't seemed to matter lately ;-)
[x] the sweetest thing a member of the opposite sex can do for you?: hold me, be there, care.
[x] where do you go to meet new people?: college... elevators... running in the rain :-)
[x] are you the type of person to holler n ask for numbers?: negative
____PICKY PICKY____
[x] dog or cat: kittens and puppies.. if they're mine. I miss Moe :-(
[x] short or long hair: short
[x] innie or outie: innie
[x] sunshine or rain: rain
[x] moon or sun: moon (warm nights)
[x] basketball or football: football
[x] righty or lefty: righty
[x] hugs or kisses: mm.. hard choice.. both
[x] 1 best friend or 10 acquaintances: one best friend
[x] bf/gf or best friend: both in one person :-)
[x] tv or cd playa: cd player
[x] starbucks or jamba juice: starbucks (really.. neither..)
[x] mc donalds or burger king: burger king
[x] summer or winter: summer
[x] written letters or e-mails: letters
[x] playstation or nintendo: nintendo
[x] disney or nickelodeon: i'm with shannon on this one: well, nickelodeon when it was cool (you know: are you afraid of the dark, salute your shorts, hey dude, pete and pete, legends of the hidden temple, clarissa explains it all.. etc..) and then when they started getting STUPID, was exactly when disney started getting good (torkelsons, jett jackson, even stevens, boy meets world, so weird, lizzie mcguire, ready or not, brotherly love.. etc..)
[x] car or motorcycle: car
[x] house party or club: house party
[x] sing or dance: sing
[x] freak or slow dance: slow.. mm... i miss dances a little...
[x] yahoo messenger or aim: aim
[x] google or ask jeeves?: google
____MISCELLANEOUS____
[x] can you swim?: yes
[x] whats your most embarrassing moment?: probably the night i was really little... sleeping over danielle's in absecon and i was playing monopoly with her and her two brothers- twin & older, who of course I had a crush on, and i asked if "t-i-t" spelled anything. LMAO. that was so freaking embarassing
[x] what are you scared of?: death... life
[x] what is your greatest accomplishment?: probably coming here.. meeting real people that i love
[x] do you like tomatoes?: i like pizza....
[x] how many TVs in the house?: there's 2 in my house.. used to be 5.. i'd prefer to have just one in the house.
[x] how many phones?: theres one at home right now :-)
[x] how many residents?: eh?
[x] how many DVDs do you have?: too many
[x] last dentist visit: sometime in the summer
[x] last doctor visit: this weekend.. flu shot.. :-(... they didn't even give me a sticker!
[x] last phone call: hmm.. i can't remember. i don't make phone calls. the last person that called me was mike like.. 3 days ago or something like that..
Well.. wasn't that fun? Okay, so it wasn't. But it made a good.. half hour go by.. I'm gettin kinda worried about Michael.. *sigh*..
..... w i s h i n g a n d h o p i n g a n d t h i n k i n g a n d p r a y i n g .....

*Waiting*

Today's sermon in church included the explaination that we spend a good part of our lives just waiting...

.. waiting for Bible class to be over ..

.. waiting for the weekend to begin ..

.. waiting for this assignment to write itself ..

.. waiting for love to find me ..

.. waiting for the car to drive you to your destination ..

.. waiting for the alarm clock to go off ..

.. waiting to see that look in his eye ..

.. waiting for a falling star ..

.. waiting in line for Nitro ..

.. waiting for high school to turn to college to turn to a job to a house to a mortgage and a nice car and a dog and cat, rabbit and fish, then waiting to die ..

I'm waiting tonight. For my life to fit perfectly in place again. I don't know why I wait for things to be over and then so often just find myself longing for the thing I was trying to get past before. I'm trying to learn to live for the present rather than the future, because the future tends not to live up to the fantasy that I imagine it in... life is never like a movie no matter how hard I wish for it to be .. but that's okay.

I like the funny stupid things we do all the time that make me smile but make me uncomfortable..

I like the way I stumble out of bed in the morning and barely make it to class on time..

I like napping in the middle of the day so I can stay up all night deep in conversation..

I like it here. I like it now. I'd just like it better if I didn't have to wait.

Being vague is very hard when theres something pressing on my mind.

10.24.2004

*Its Enough To Hear The Sound Of Concrete*

I'm bored. I seem to be longing so often for those stars, so far away from me yet so visible that I can nearly reach out and touch them. Yet I cannot yet feel the warmth of their glow.

I will be so glad to see those smiling faces, to find that joy again.

I don't know why I yearn so frequently for those stars... I don't know why I long for their embrace... I don't know why I'm so crazy in love with them... I don't know why I try so hard to touch them....

I hate bottling myself up and containing my feelings.. especially in my own blog. Argh ((.don't ask.))

10.22.2004

*Blah*

I'm having kind of a BlAh day. I'm bored, been tired.. did nothing but errands today. No one runs to my door and hugs me when I come home from college. That's what I love about coming home. I really feel stupid cuz everyone else goes home to all these friends.. they have this whole community at home and I... I come home to.. Euchre, my golden retreiver. Well, I mean I love my dog but.. It seems so.. lonely here. Its my past. I found myself sitting around today planning all the things I wish my friends at school and I could do together. Things that I'd never suggest to them because I feel so stupid just for spending my time being that pathetic. I don't think they know how it feels to appreciate friends like crazy like I have been. I don't think they understand how it feels for the first time to have a group of friends you're totally in love with. I don't think they understand, but I love them so much anyway.

Anyway.. I feel pathetic for blogging at home.. everyone else has something better to do so.. I guess.. I'll leave now.. and be lonely and cry in a corner :'(

10.21.2004

*Home Is Where The Heart Is*

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE HOME AGAIN.

but here I am. *smile*

I am so glad to be home. I got here and no one was home.. my dad called and goes "Sarah, I have just one big thing you have to get done this weekend".... if you know anything about my dad, he says this EVERY time he sees me.. so i prepared myself to try and not get mad for having been home 10 seconds and already getting demands and he goes.... "relax."

*sigh* and thats what I plan to do. I have a lot of work but hell, I'm gonna take it to the beach. Its even warmer here.

I love South JerZ.. even though I never took time to appreciate it while I lived here.. it looks so nice now. The city, ahhh the city... I actually like the looks of it. the bay and the ocean and the BEACH.. AHHHH the BEACH! I think I'm gonna go contemplate the meaning of life on the Ocean City Boardwalk!!!! I <3 the OCBW!!!

hehe. I'm a loser. I miss Jenni-Alicia-Mike-Ben-Schuyler-Daniel-etc. But I love home. I really really love home.

10.19.2004

*PoPcOrN*

Mmmm.. the sweet and salty taste of Pop Secret, sprinkled with an unfinished (unbegun) Communications paper and a lack of sleep to top it all off. :-D

I officially decided that it was kinda cool that my "notification of class difficulty" had to be sent to a bunch of random people. Although it involved ME making a PHONE CALL (if you know me, thats DEATH), it turned out that a lot of people are pretty nice here and just want to help. I think most the professors here go out of their way (and their job description) to help out the students, its just important that you don't ignore that. So, while I'm deathly nervous about talking to my Bible professor tomorrow about failing, I think it'll be okay. I hope, I pray.

So I'm thinking that counseling is a good idea. I'm scared to death but I think it is. I've been depressed.. theres no other term for it and.. well.. I just want someone to say "Sarah, it really is a problem within you, and there is a way to make it better besides just working harder and catching up in class". Well, I guess what I really want tacked onto the back of that statement is "... here are some drugs you can try to make you more focused and less sad"... but I'm not even sure if they can do that here. *sigh*. I don't even have a regular doctor at home cuz I'm so young I just got transferred out of my pediatrician. So I'm doctorless and helpless.. but I guess I need to take the first step. *sigh* I know I'm never going to take the first step.

Well.. I'm supposed to be writing a conflict resolution paper but I can't decide on a conflict to use. Its supposed to be from a movie or a book. Do I read? no. Watch movies? no. I suppose I'll have to make it up. here goes...

*Operating at Sixty-Seven Percent*

Well, its official. I'm failing Bible 105. I guess I'm sitting here waiting for it to sink in.

*sigh*

I wish the one class and grades were the only thing bothering me. I have this whole... boy thing to work out now too and.. I dont know. I mean, I do know. I just don't. Thats how it is always, I guess.

Mike is so awesome to spend time with. He always listens when I speak my mind and almost always responds with an "I know what you mean, you're so me".. and he usually DOES know what I mean. Theres something about being able to say those words and mean them.. to know that theres nothing ANYONE can do but just understand and be silently supportive. He really helped me tonight like no other person in the entire face of the earth could by understanding, by empathizing, and by sitting silently beside me while I thought. I think it takes a real friend to not mind the silence.

But my heart is torn to shreds and I have little to give back. And my dreams are broken still.

I think I worried everyone with my last blog, saying no one will miss me and then zooming off in my car for like 5 hours. But it was nice, calming, reassuring, amazing, beautiful. It was appropriate that it rained because it was cleansing but sad. Nice that so many people called me to make sure I was ok.. even more people IMed me after reading my away message and seeing its sadness :-( It was nice to have so many people. But you know what? Its hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand.. and thats I think why I feel so separated, so left out sometimes. These people are smart, they have study habits and they know what it feels like to have friends. To me, this friend thing is new & exciting and I can never say no to it. I have no good study habits and I have extreme difficulty with reading/concentrating. So I don't know. I love them but.. I dunno. I'm researching the Engle Center, despite my heart's cries to solve things myself. It would be nice if there was a miracle drug. My aunt, who is very similar to me, is depressed I think.. I know she takes drugs for something like that.. or maybe thats S.A.D... which I also have. My mom also went through depression as did my grandmothers on both sides. So.. if it is genetic, I'm thinking that may be what I'm going through. Theres no real cue or reason but the overwhelming pull of schoolwork, though. So I dont know.

Well.. as usual, I'm way behind... so I'm gonna go attempt to get only partially behind.


10.18.2004

*I Miss Back When*

Today I don't even have my own thoughts. But I do have an excellent new CD.. probably the only Country CD I've bought... ever. And its kickass. And this is how I feel today, by Tim McGraw ( I know its not all in context but..).

Every night I give my heart and soul, sometimes that ain't enough.

Talk is cheap. And free advice is worth the price you pay. I have to find out for myself the hard way.

I know what the good book preaches, but I know how I am. I just hope somebody up there understands.

But this is home and it's who I am and I know I'd stay if I could...

Love goes wrong but life goes on..

One day I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying: like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity to think of what you did with it...

In my hometown, for anyone that sticks around, you're either lost or you're found. There's not much in between...

It's a long long way from wrong to right...

We're all looking for love and meaning in our lives...

My whole life I tried to run and tried to hide. Sit and watch a perfect world go by...

Oh, I need you Jesus...

I love the old and outdated way of life back when a hoe was a hoe, coke was a coke.. crack's what you were doing when you were cracking jokes... back when a screw was a screw, the wind was all that blew... when you said "I'm down with that" it meant you had the flu... I miss back when...

Think something's broken cause I'm just layin round hopin that maybe any moment I'll get on track... But I think something's broken.. all locked up or frozen cause I can't go forward and I sure can't go back... Think it's my heart coming eye to eye with the truth...

Here's to the corners yet to turn... Here's to the bridges yet to burn... Here's to the whole thing blown apart... It's open season on my heart... The days go by like flying bricks... Leave gaping holes too deep to fix... I'd just stay home if I were smart... It's open season on my heart... I can't blame anyone but me... This reckless fool I've come to be... My tired excuses just don't fit... It don't look good from where I sit... I've tried to change without much luck... I reached the point where I get stuck.. i can't give the things i haven't got. i don't know where or when or what, i only know the shape i'm in.

Me I'm just workin hard to get to that place where everybody hates me...

i'm just a blank sheet of paper... and now, one broken heart later, i am still a blank sheet of paper...

the durastic steps i'm takin are just an act of desperation. no one's gonna miss me, so what the hell? i hurt everyone i ever touched its not the same kind of cry for help, just goodbye..


*I'm Home!*

OH MAN

Being home.. well, I mean, back to college.... It'S CrAZy!

I home that every time I go home will not be so stressful!!!!!! It was a weird weekend.. I mostly worked my butt off moving, unpacking (barely), nagging my dad about calling Mr. Bonek for the surfboard, and fighting with my parents. Then I drove home, which took about an hour and a half longer than usual because of the traffic in Philly, and being along made it seem FOUR TIMES longer. It was death. And all I had was a CD Single. It was Jesse, but 4 1/2 hours of "Why Don't You Kiss Her?" gets old. I almost was wishing for the singing girl.

Hell no, I'm just kidding. She's singing my favorite song from Little Shop right now and she's ruining it. I will not allow this *slams door*

So I realized last night that I had a book review due tomorrow at 10AM. On a whole book thats at least 150 pages that I haven't even read yet. I'm going to fail Bible. I'm not even kidding. And that really sucks cuz I definitely won't have a 3.2 average with 1/5 of my classes being an F.. I didn't take math this semester but I'm pretty damn sure that doesn't figure. That REALLY sucks.

So anyway I'm glad ot be back anyway. Of course, now I have TWO rooms to stress over how messy I am. I decided that I'm living a simpler life now and that begins by selling all my belongings in the yard sale my mom is having and donating the rest. I cannot remain sane with so much crap to trip over. I simply cant. SIMPLY is the key word.

So I'm letting God take hold of all situations. He's obviously been getting a kick out of seeing me drive down the turnpike for 4 1/2 hours going 15 mph most the way. I got about 10 inches away from hitting a state trooper (HE almost hit ME) and I was about 10 seconds from being pulled over for going 90 mph on the Expressway. I didn't even notice :-\

Anyway I am going to study. Like thats gonna happen. Eh.

10.15.2004

*Maybe It's Maybelline*

I don't know why I just took a shower and got dressed up nicely.. makeup, hair, etc. Its weird. I still don't really care but.. I don't know. I did it without thinking. I'm actually glad I felt the urge to fix my eyebrows though because otherwise I would've walked to Communications with a big blob of lotion in the middle of my forehead. ha.

In my confusion I've decided not to set my mind too hard to it. After all, the desire was to seek God and so putting my full trust in him seems rational enough as a solution. Lord, do with me what you will, because I am too weak and tired to do it on my own.

Speaking of being tired, I got approximately 1 1/2 hrs of sleep last night.. and that was "last night" as in after bible class/midterm. *sigh*

I hope I'm not still faking it. I keep finding myself saying "that's really not the way I usually am around people.." especially in reference to the way I act around my group of friends. But maybe that is me. Maybe I've just been hiding. Maybe its just too hard to explain.

I hate that I did horribly on my Bible test but I'm okay with it because I did my best. I really did. I studied despite the impossibility of my professor's study guides. There's no order: he's as disorganized and scatterbrained as me.

Anyway, I'm going home. Thank the Lord for that. I think that despite the fact that I know it is going to be stressful with the move and all, I'll be much more able to relax at (our new) house.. even though this, to me, is home now. I'm excited to see Shannon although I wish things weren't so confusing now.. I'm glad to go home, to the beach (I dont even care if its raining) shopping, piercing, haircutting, and best of all to church :-) *sigh* I will miss them all though... greatly. :-\ *sigh*

Oh, what is going on with my life?

Oh well. Communications. The Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory may give me a better answer anyway.

10.14.2004

*Dreams*

Have you ever woken up from a dream that completely alters either your mood or the way you think about things?

I once was found but now I'm lost...

I'm not sure about whats happening.. at least not as sure as I was at 11:45 when FYS got out and I crawled back into bed. I dont know. I do know that I'm going home tomorrow and I am praying that it will clear my mind to see Shannon and my family.

I love visitors. But if you come to Pennsylvania.. bring a freaking plug-in heatable coat!!!

*Side Note*

I guess God did make the next move.
Amen.

*Undercurrents*

I don't think I can describe my night tonight any better than Martha Manning in her book Undercurrents which I completed today. I recommend it to anyone who wants to learn about Depression and how it feels from the inside.. To anyone who has ever had a problem or a sadness and felt they could not cope.

My night:

There is no getting away from a wave that's got your name on it. The tide will come in whether you want it to or not. And there really isn't a damn thing you can do to stop it, reverse it, or even delay it. Forget it. You have to plant your feet solidly in the sand and get yourself anchored. And then you have to ready yourself to take a couple of direct hits from the water. You loosen your body and you move with each wave. You get salt in your nose and mouth, and the ocean rakes sand and stones over your feet and legs. Your eyes sting, and you feel so tired. But there is really nothing else to do.
The tide will come and go. The sun will be warm again, and the salt on your skin will remind you of what you have done. And you will rest your tired body on the shore, falling into that delicious sleep that comes from knowing you are alright.

*Abyss*

I feel completely devoid of all emotion as well as emotional capability for human interaction. I have been feeling dizzy, tired, and overall just sad. I have felt heavier, both physically straining on my feet as well as pulling down roughly on my heart. I feel as if the world is spinning around me and all I need to do is grab hold of it, but it spins just beyond my reach. Its edges are smooth so if I do even take all my effort to grab a hold, it slips past my fingers. I feel overwhelmed with things moving too quickly around me-- before I can take a hold of them and look them straight in the face. My emptiness is completely engulfing, completely surrounding. I'm not sure what's going to happen next. The only thing I am sure of is that God is going to have to make the next move, because I cannot move at all.

It's not even 11. And I'm tired. And I'm sleeping. I feel as if I'm already asleep.. or maybe that's only wishful thinking. Perhaps I will never wake up. I think that would be okay. Sleep is a wonderful feeling, and dreamworld a wonderful place. Its everything I've ever wished for.

Wishes do come true.. dreams do come true.. but in order for truth to come, one must wish or dream first. And so I am off to prayer and dreams in wishful hope that I can somehow wake up with a sense of life, of awe for the day, of motivation to get out of bed in the morning and embrace the day.

Because so far, the day has embraced me.. and it is getting a tighter and tighter hold on me..

Tighter and tighter and tighter....

I'm suffocating.

Save me, Lord. I'm dying. I'm falling into this abyss of my mind. I'm losing the grip I once thought that I had and I'm realizing all I held onto was false-- it was just something to hold on to as I fell. Why can't I sit and concentrate on my thoughts?

I'm losing life, Lord, I'm losing breath.

Its endless, its consuming... tighter and tighter and tighter...

10.13.2004

*Inevitability*

If its love that keeps us breathing, and it's something to believe in, is it fear that makes us blind? Tell me, why is love so hard to find?

Oh dear.. my mind is cloudy. I think its time for bed.

Its 3AM, I must be lonely-- sadly, though, its 4AM... I must be really lonely.

10.12.2004

*The Waves*

Isn't it funny how quickly things change? How one blog ends with "Everything is going to be okay" and the next one starts with "shit shit shit shit shit." Its pretty incredible.. I feel like I'm riding a wave, only its not such a fun one.

oh hey, if only you could see, I wanna get to know you and to get you knowing me..

I wish I was going to homecoming. I was really looking forward to dances since I've developed an actual real group of friends. Dances have been awkward and pretty bad up until now-- spending it awkwardly with one person when I want to be with lots of people... having friends is pretty cool. Especially lots of guy friends and a boyfriend. I'm so freaking happy with that.. both sides of it. *sigh*

I dont know what I am right now. Eh. I hope a date with Ben tonight straightens me out. Spending time with him usually makes me feel better about myself-- he makes me feel smart. I dont know that thats actual a true observation but either way, thats how he makes me feel. And in past relationships-- ahem, relationship-- I have felt really stupid, really put down and really kicked to the floor. And this is totally the opposite. Its nice :-)

What is life, whats the use, if you're killing time?

Well I should get a bit of work done before Issachars. I'll be back fairly late, probably, cuz tonight is me & Ben's night :-). Well, hopefully a bit earlier because I'm trying to be a responsible student... and I dont want tomorrow morning to be like this morning. eh.

*AHHHHHHHHHHH*

Shit shit shit shit shit. FUCK. Shit.
HOW CAN MY ALARM NOT GO OFF? HOWWWWWW? I HAD EVERYTHING DONE! ALL THOSE FREAKING ASSIGNMENTS! ALL THAT HARD WORK! HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ITS NOT POSSIBLE. i WORKED SO HARD.

SO FREAKING HARD FOR BARELY ANYTHING AND I DIDNT EVEN GET TO HAND IT IN

HOW IS MY LIFE SO MISERABLE BECAUSE OF A FUCKING ALARM CLOCK

i'm going to go cry now. ha. like there arent already tears rolling down my face.

*Cinderella: Peace Amidst The Chaos*

There is nothing more breathtaking, more beautiful than a shooting star- especially when shared with another pair of smiling eyes. What a beautiful, amazing, yet incredibly stressful Monday I had. I feel like I'm fighting an invisible force. I feel like I'm pushing against the cinderblock walls.

I haven't been sure of anything in a really long time besides God's presence in everything. And its not as if I don't doubt that too.. but God always proves me wrong.

Well.. I did do laundry. I did get the FYS paper organized and done. It makes actual sense and I'm proud of fit. I read, comprehended, and remembered an entire 25 pages (though some of them were blank pages..). That's a big deal for me.

How did I make it to college, anyway?

But those shooting stars.. boy, it does put things in perspective. The world isn't moving- we are. We are so small and our troubles are so insignificant.

It's all going to be okay.

10.11.2004

*Another Mask*

I'm not okay.

Just so you know.

I've been internalizing so much today. Not being able to wake up for Bible.. trying not to care.. worrying silently about my lack of studying for the French test.. I tripped over my own two feet over 5 times on the way to French class. I couldn't conjugate venir. My room is a mess.. my head is a mess. I'm a mess.. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to fall and die and come alive as someone who understands, who can keep up. I can't keep up with the pace of this world. It flies by my head and all I have time to do is grab on with my fingernails and feel them fall off one by one as I lose my grip.

I'm masking it all.

I'm trying so hard. But its like.. people.. I love listening to them.. I love hearing them.. but lately, its nothing. I talk to my friends back at home and.. I don't understand things they say. Theres so much worrying and.. I'm not worrying. I'm just taking it all in and sighing it all out.

Everything in this room represents to me my lack of ability to be motivated. The Cds sitting in the printer, no cases, that I swore I would take good care of because I hate that I always scratch my Cds... Vitamins I've never taken.. at least 30 library books I'll never get around ot reading.. Laundry sprawled out all over the floor.. broken dresser drawers... empty picture frames.. empty vase... blank index cards.. unanswered letters.. unsent letters.. notes to remind me of things I've already missed.. a sock on my computer that never made it to my foot.. empty boxes of packages I've already eaten through.. upside down lamp that I never turn on.. empty purses that I never manage to unpack.. unmade bed, half of which is laying in the middle of the floor for people to sleep over- last week... empty glasses case... About 15 "to do" lists with nothing checked off... Important Numbers posted that I'll never call... Lists and lists of things on the internet that I wish I could buy... A headache in my brain that is eating me alive...

Et Cetera

Ok. I'm done with my bitching. I'm just tired of this useless shit of a self that I'm stuck in. I feel like a bad person, a miserable person, a fake person, a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, a bad excuse for a human being. Yet here I am, smiling, laughing, putting on an act I can't seem to figure out.

Maybe I'll go do something productive now.

Yeah.... riight.

*Who Needs Sleep?*

Woah. I didn't blog for one entire day. That's amazing. I just got done playing monopoly in the elevator. We have the weirdest, yet the most fun times.

I've been absolutely going insane over my studying (or rather, lack of). It sucks so badly.. I feel stupid.. I feel inferior and half dead.. I feel.. nothing.. most the time. But then I see these people.. these wonderful people. People. people. people. cows. People.

They really brighten my day. Its hard to not smile for more than 30 seconds when they're around. They're making me younger. They're making me more fun. They're making me more laid back and more comfortable with people. They're making me a better, more rounded, more... well, they're making me more of a person, period.

I feel so much more.. complete.. with friends. And I thought it would make me feel empty. But its so fulfilling.

*sigh* And yet I'm so broken over the studying issue. The more I try to explain it to people the more I realize that no matter who I tell, the first thing they're going to say is that I've been having too much fun.

I don't believe there is ANYTHING at this college more important than making and having good friends and having fun, at least for right now when the friendships are still developing. DAMN STRAIGHT.

Woah. Sorry. I have a lot to say about stuff but.. I'll say it tomorrow.

My dreams aren't broken anymore.. now that yall are in my life..

I really do hope I travel. I dont know if I'd like travelling with everyone though. I kind of like how, on these nights that we're crazy staying up for, its tons of fun with lots of people and then people start dropping into bed until its just me and Mike.. or whoever, but it is always Mike anyway. I like the transition from group to one on one because I've always been a one on one kind of person. I like getting to know people and hearing about their lives. I like hearing their opinions, I like looking in their eyes when they talk to me-- something I've actually never experienced before college, amazingly, that still makes me nervous & sorta weirded out yet its so awesome to feel like you connected with someone. Eyes are the window to the soul.. and I've been staring at the blinds for 18 years.

Oh. Back to travelling. I think the only book worthy of my time right now is my travel book. I wish I had my own car because.. I feel bad making plans when I'm not the one that has to drive them. But it would be so freaking much fun to get off campus but keep the people that make it great. *sigh*

Well I suppose it is sleeping time. 4 in the freaking morning. This has definitely been the awesomest weekend so far, and I wouldn't be surprised if we continue to top that.

On the other hand, the depression from whats going on academically is gonna catch up to this friendship joy I'm experiencing. The weekend did involve tears. I'm working on that. I need prayers, I need a hug, I need a friend. I have a friend. The other two, I'm still working on them.

I'm completely out of it now. Time for pushing all the crap off my sheetless blanketless pillowless bed and going to (uncomfortable) sleep amidst the chaos. Isn't that the freaking truth.. chaos. *sigh* Oh well. Tomorrow (today) is cry day.. perfect timing.