* s t a r d u s t a g a i n s t a p a l e s k y *

A falling star is a phenomenon to an adult and magic- a miracle- to a child. Who's right? Things are what you define them. So who am I? I guess it's up to you...

11.30.2004

*Point Taken*

Christian Schools were a really good idea-- in theory. Actually, Messiah College does a fairly good job of not being ridiculous (with exception of chapel credit) when it comes to stupid Christian School things like dress code and church attendance. Otherwise, this public school girl would be at home right now. Johnny D was probably right in going to public school despite his yearning to be in the "safe" environment of a Christian School. It IS a bubble. But you have to learn how to use it to your advantage instead of to make you weak.

I don't know why I was thinking about this today. Probably because I wrote about Mike S. about 400 times in my old journal and it made me think about Pilgrim academy. The teachers there really didn't like me... because I wore pants. I don't understand. They didn't like any "outsiders" that came to school events because they were afraid that their little plastic bubble would be broken and I would infect the school with my public school disease. Unfortunately, in their eagerness to rush me out of the place, they completely turned me off to Christians who think they are right. Everyone has their own opinions and beliefs about Christianity. God gives that personalization ability, to mold the way you believe to what He's already told us.

For example, I have a little more hands-off belief than most people. Most of the time I just allow things to happen without trying to make sense of them-- which is because I believe that God will show us so much more when we die. I don't like when people take their lives and say "God was trying to tell me THIS" when there was no booming voice from above (no, i don't really think thats necessare, and most of the time people make those little "messages" the things that they WANT to hear. I mean sure, on occasion there are times when God speaks to people and they know it. There are definitely times in my life when I felt that... but I'm never sure. And if I'm not sure, then I'm not gonna make something up in my head that is designed to justify the way I live-- because what if it's NOT God.. it's just ME inside my head?

Oh well. I guess I thought about this today because I didn't have anything better to do, and because I am seriously considering not being here next year. I LOVE it here. But I HATE school. I have no reason to be at school. After next semester, I am promising myself that if I don't enjoy the classes that I am taking for my "majors"-- or what I think they are going to be now-- then I can't stay and waste my parent's (and a LOT of my hard-earned) money. If I can't declare by Sophomore year with something that I LIKE studying, I will not study at all. I will either move to FL and go into the Internship program in orlando, or stick around Absecon and maybe work retail for a while.. and get enough sleep to make up for the 4000000 hours I lost being here.. and buy a car that moves.

Maybe I belong in some kind of trade school.. or art school, beauty school.. I don't know.. I wanted to act once, maybe I should be in Boston with Johnny D or in Philly with Dani.

All I know is that I HATE cold weather and Pennsylvania is not helping this motivation crash-and-burn byeing 20 degrees right now.

*Declaration*

Well, it's official. I officially cannot stand school at all. I don't want to be here-- I don't even want to sit here in this computer lab for another second. What I really want to do is go home and stop wasting my money, because I'm not doing any real work. Most of all, I want to get this presentation over with so that I can stop being in the worst mood over a stupid final. It's only 30% of my grade.

Ha.. only..

Damn it. I'm just so fucking tired and I want to go to bed.

I'm so lovely when I wake up at noon........ yesterday.

11.29.2004

*Ice*

Well... I'm definitely never going to get anything accomplished. Skipping class today was stupid.. and now I'm never going to do anything. I have a paper to write and a very important presentation due tommorrow (Did I mention that both are FINALs?) So its VERY VERY important. I can't seem to do anything tho but look at people's blogs. I don't even read them.. I just.. look for more people that I know.

Argh. I hate being lazy.

*Almost Famous*

Well.. I am happy that I didn't go to class today. However, I think if I had gone, I'd be much more motivated to do work because it would remind me why I'm here-- to get an education. I mean.. I don't know. I was talking to Shannon about what we're going to do with the rest of our lives (I was appropriately talking to her while laying upside down on the couch with my head on the floor) and I don't know. I told her "I just want to be a mom. I want a job that is decent enough to get good benefits for my kids and I want something I'm happy doing.. but I just don't know WHAT.

That whole getting married and having kids thing.. doesn't really feel real to me. My whole life I've always thought that God was going to punish me for always thinking about it by "calling me" to be single my whole life. If that's the case, I'm ditching my hormones. Hell, I'm getting everything removed and becoming a hobo.

Okay, so i AM still in a weird mood. Idk.. I woke up in it. I dreamed a weird dream and so woke up and am not acting really odd. You know what it really is? I'm hiding the fact that I really feel depressed today. But I don't want to let myself get in those moods. I have to talk myself out of it. Lately, I've been going with the theory that most things are psychological. You think about them so much they become true. So here we go, I'm gonna fake it today and see what happens.

This sweater is so comfy :-D It's an island paradise compared to the one I wore last night-- it's stiff and scratchy and my head doesn't fit in it... and it's balled up in the corner right there ---->
But this one is comfy-cozy. Kinda like Michael. And it makes me happy like him, too. Is it okay that clothes make me happy sometimes? I don't know.. but they do. I even got new Christmas-themed underwear from Old Navy this weekend. :-D Perhaps I shouldn't share everything that makes me happy. :-X hehe

So anyway, I was searching around peoples blogs, xangas, and livejournals, and I found a bunch of Gami people who are really.. well.. lets just say under "interests" they all listed "Sex, Drugs, Alcohol" among other similar things. Not like I didn't expect it, but it's a shame because most of these people used to be my friends. Well, people change. I sure have.

I guess I can't fake it very well. But I'm not gonna stop trying. :-\

I hope no one notices the contrast of white on white.

*Missing You*

Well..

He was worth missing.

And it's exactly like I remember it....

Wonderful :-D

Mike, you make me smile like no one else can.

:-D :-D

Tomorrow is back to reality.. of school.

But its worth it :-) To be in your arms again.

I get like this all too often when I'm tired :-)

11.28.2004

*I Am In Love With Fast Internet*

Well.. yesterday was cool, I think. I woke up to my mom jumping on my bed.. well, she was more like bouncing. But it was funny either way. She took my blankets and told me to come downstairs and she'd make me some tea. So I went down and she made me tea and complained about how I drink it too fast. I made something sweet and then Shannon called from Dionne's party to say she was coming over for dinner. We had filet mignon wrapped in bacon which was awesome as well as the first steak i've had since I left for college, so that was great. I had ice cream afterwards and I was happy because I could make it into soup without anyone thinking I'm weird cuz.. I am weird.. and my family, and shannon, already know that. It was kinda funny because Shannon fights with my dad at dinner and it cracks me up.

So then Shannon and I went over to my Grandmothers after breaking the van and getting my car keys stuck in it. Well, we went to the bank first, but it was closed, which was a bummer. But she was happy to see Shannon (I don't even think she talked to me, hehe), and I put her snowbabies up around her tree and pulled something out of the garbage disposal for my grandfather because they live in my old house and I know all the tricks :-)


So then my grandfather gave us candy bars and $20 to go to the movies so we went.. and we saw the worst movie in the world. It was stupid but it was fun because we just made fun of it the whole time. Oh yea, and beforehand I was in the bathroom and the toilet paper rolled off the thing cuz it didn't have a cover and rolled out of my stall all the way across the bathroom. It was hysterical.. at least the girl that was standing right there thought it was.. tho she didn't offer any help. But anyway, that guy was adorable in the movie, whatever his name is. So Shannon and I went back to my house and wanted to do something because it was "early".. like 11.. so we called people (side note: I text messaged.. one person) and everyone was boringly asleep but Chuck came over after Kelly's party for a bit so that was nice. Shannon and I just sat around and did
funny stuff on the computer, like reading my old blog.

I have to quote it a few times because we wewre rolling on the floor last night at how funny and stupid I was when I was 11 or 12. It's not much to read.. especially cuz some only makes sense when you know what/who I'm talking about... but at least read the third one down.

"Now its all this time later and i'm still crying more and more. and the hole is still getting bigger. and bigger. And i'm drowning in it. I dont want to but its like quicksand, no matter how hard you try to get free, it sucks you deeper and deeper until you ca't get out. I can't get out now, i'm stuck, and the only thing to do is to attain the picture in my mind. I want it and i want it bad. Its not even too much to ask, its really small actually."-

"Have u ever heard that song that goes "do you think you're better off alone?" over and over again? Well is that like supposed to mess up your mind or what? lol cuz i mean, half the time i'm thinking *YES~! everyone is better off alone~!* but yet i sit here wish i wasn't... thats messed... whoever wrote that song had bad intentions, i'm telling you."

This one had us rolling for a while... you can just hear my little squeeky voice shouting it out: "If i can't get one freaking good night of sleep i am going to go completely INSANE~! Every single day theres another excuse to why i cannot wake up by myself. It seems like the only way that i'm going to get to sleep late on my OWN is if i rent an unknown island off the coast of NOWHERE and DIE."

"i'll just call him... Codey. Well, i've liked "Codey" for as long as i care to remember... and as far as my mind will allow, i've never gone out with anyone, nor have i ever been kissed or experienced being romantically loved. Some of that is actually true. I'll let u guess which parts."

"Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? YES! Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night? YES! Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right? YES! Have you ever? YES!Have you ever? YES!" .. I go on to answer "YES" to every line of the song...

"I'm being so pathetic about it too. I mean i get all like.. gushy when i think about him."

"I'm so full of broken pieces right now, it would take a professional to fit me back together. I just wish the one to piece my heart back together was the one who broke it."

"Heh. I got the Dream Street cd yestreday.. its adorable :-) i feel like a 12-yr-old groupie again, lol :-) Jesse, the youngest one, is so adorable. " -- mind you, i was a very old 13 at the time... and I went to Dream Street concerts until.. well, I'm going to one in December. I'm 18.

"The summer after 9th grade was, well is, okay. My pillows felt a few tears over a crush that seems to be never ending. I liked my 4th Mike and possibly my last." -- haha, little did I know...
"I have been getting so depressed about being single lately. I know i shouldnt make sucha big deal about it but i am always thinking.. it would be so great just to have someone to give a big hug to after days like this where i just wanna go hide in a corner all nite. I mean just hearing about how happy some people can be when theyre in love makes me so jealous. And it makes me wonder why, as many guys as i have liked, no one likes me and no one will ever go out with me."-- Poor Sarah.

Anyway, that's way too much, I know. But no one's here yet soo.. anyways.

My fish survived :-D Good job, Meatball. He has new water now and real food.. I hope he was ok over the break. He seems okay now.

Holy crap, it just occured to me that I'm going to see that lovely boyfriend of mine again today! What was his name again... hmmm... can't remember ;-) Yay! I'm gonna go brush my teeth (though I know very well that you won't be home until midnight, whateveryounameis.)

:-D Well.. hmm.. I have something to do.. maybe...

nah...

*I'm a holding hands~!*

You`re holding hands! You love bein` close to  your 'special' someone! You like to feel loved and wanted! But hey...doesn`t everyone?
YOU`RE HOLDiNG HANDS! YOU LiKE TO BE CLOSE TO THE
ONE YOU LOVE AND THEY FEEL THE SAME WAY.

WHAT SiGN OF AFFECTiON ARE YOU? [[NEW]]
brought to you by quizilla

11.27.2004

*Days Go By*

Well.. I went shopping today. I spent $103. And I can't remember what any of it is.

It's so weird-- I would look at my list, go into a store, get in, and suddenly I didn't know what I was in the store for. I would stare at the aisles for a while until it came back to me. It was weird. Either way, shopping alone is.. nice but boring, and all the hyper moms were out so they were all stressed and people were arguing.. it was am overall tiring experience.

On a brighter side, I ran into Erin, Shannon, Danielle, and Ishai at the mall, and then later on Jason. That was nice. It was kinda nice too because I was just passing through so I didn't feel like I had to stick around. I love them all but I was very ready to go home. Everyone looked good... Danielle looks like she's trying too hard, as usual, but she looked good. She mentioned that Drew has a surfboard that he doesn't use but I don't think I'll be asking her about it, tho I want to. The ones at center city sports were GORGEOUS.. the perfect one was there-- orange and white.. shiny and new. But it was $350. I can't deal with not working. I said to myself "I'll just get that when I get back from break" and then realized that I will have no more money then than now. In fact, I will have MUCH less. Bummer.

well, I don't know why blogger has been so temperamental lately. the fonts and sizes won't match up now. and the [return]s only worked the first time I hit it. Whatever. I'm going to watch a movie with my mother.

I wanna wake up where you are.

11.26.2004

*You Give Me Something To Believe In*

... and I'm on top of the world-- when I'm in your arms.

Sometimes I lay in bed and wonder what we're going to be..
if maybe someday I'll look back as just a memory...
If I'll pull out your picture from behind my pillow...
let a tear fall or just let it all go...

I can't believe the uncertainties in life. I despise them, actually. There is no real security.. it's all false. You can buy a home alarm system and still get burglarized.. still have a bomb on your roof, a gunshot through your walls, and an airplane in your back yard. In the same way, friendships are just as explosive. One day here, another day gone in a blink of an eye. I would've never dreamed in a million years....

I'm thinking too much. Here, shallowness: I stopped b/c Jesse's on the radio. oh my. Real radio station. ((12 year old screechy-scream))

Oh! good song for the moment:
"Best Day of My Life"-by Jesse McCartney.. :-D
Woke up at around a half past 10/Cant believe that I'm late again/Put down about a quart of caffeine/To start my pulse and then/I grab my jeans off the floor/Then I hit the door/Its just the same old same/It goes to show you never know/When everything's about to change//Just another day/It started out like any other/Just another girl/Who took my breath away/Then she turned around/She took me down/Just another day that I/Had the best day of my life//Cant say exactly what it was/She's not the usual type/She wore a cowboy hat/With her red Prada boots/And a Gwen Stefani smile/Then she pulled out a pen/And surprised me when/She wrote her number on my hand/Then she was gone/But from now on/I'm gonna be a different man//I guess it goes to show/You never really know/When everything's about to change

Anyway, I'm annoyed at the blogger tonight.. the [enter] isn't working and htmling it in is just getting to be a mess, along with figuring out keyboard commands for all kinds of fun stuff that only takes a quick click any other time. Blah.g.

11.25.2004

*She Done Stole My Tree*

Well... here I am again. I love my family a ton but they're not going to be here when I actually wake up. No one will be. I think maybe that's the worst part about college.. when I come home my sleep schedule is so messed up that no one is ever awake when I am (annnddd.. nothing is ever open) Oh well. Dinnerness

*Family Matters*

Happy Thanksgiving

Well, all the family is gathered in our house. I suppose it does make a much better house for hosting than our apartment-- MUCH better. I like it. Either way, I should be out there but.. idk. My grandma asked to see my pictures from school and in her very-straightforward-with-her-opinion-ways pointed out a guy in one of the pictures as "unattractive young man". I laughed and then told her that's my boyfriend. But don't worry Mike, it was the picture from halloween, and she agreed that you were "quite attractive" when she saw te others :-)

My younger cousin (who is turning an amazing 14 today) is upstairs reading-- I wish I could read... my aunt and mom are preparing dinner... my dad, grandfather, and grandmother are on the couch and my uncle's outside smoking. I love my family... but it doesn't seem real anymore. Being home is like being removed from my "real" life. It's like I'm a visitor and not the host. I don't know. I wish Mike was here. :-X Argh.. I'm sorry. I can't help it.

My grandmother has gotten funnier (and more blunt) in her old age. My uncle just walked in with my aunt and she said "what were you two doing?" she said "smoking" and my grandma said "oh, I thought maybe he made a pass at you. But don't tell me if he does cuz I have a weak heart."

Anyway, I'm afraid someone will walk in and find me here... the computer room is right next to the BR and this room has no door... and I just heard my mom tell them I was upstairs in my room so I would rather just not have to hear about how I'm being a loner.

Oh well, I am a loner.

Michael, I miss your smile.

I'm gonna go listen to the family banter. Banter? does that fit? idk. It does if I say it does. :-P

*Where Am I?*

I can't believe I'm awake at this absurd hour. I honestly haven't been awake this early in probably... probably since Steve's dad woke Mike & I up in Maryland at 7 to drive home and catch class. And before that, when I had Bible class at 10. Oh, and maybe for a few chapels, but I don't count that as being awake, because I never am.

Anyway, I probably should be helping my mom but instead I'm clogging up the phone lines because I feel sick and I don't want to be up. I'm not getting dressed, they can't make me. My new PJ pants and my old AE shirt are wonderfully soft and cozy and I don't see the point of getting dressed when Thanksgiving is in my house.

I'm watching the parade, and I'm terribly sad that Jesse isn't there this year. I don't remember how many years ago it was that Shannon & Danielle and I joined him & greg and frenkie, matt and chriss in the Philadelphia parade. That was so much fun. They were so adorable and sweet. I'm sure fame took a hold of them by now. Or, in at least Matt's case, normal life has taken back over. Chris... I can't say I really are where you are. Fame took a hold of you when you were born. :-P

Anyway.. I feel like I'm going to fall out of this very comfy computer hair onto the hard floor that my dad bought to slide around on. It would be fun to scoot around if I didn't feel so sick.

School is so much different for everyone else. I can't even believe it. I wish I knew what they were talking about when they say "parties". But I've never been to a party. Seriously, I never have, can you believe that? I've been through 18 years without going to a single, what the average 18 yr old would consider, "party". I went to the diner last night with Mikhil (Rutgers), Ishai (Drexel), Shannon (Belmont), and Andy (LaSalle)... and it never occured to me that no one else would know what I was talking about either. I felt like I needed a translator half the time. What is a frat party? I mean, I know what it is but what is it like? I probably won't ever know! I know most people would say that I wouldn't want to know. But how can you go through life without experiencing what real life is like for most other people?

Oh *sigh*.. I give up. I need to stop being pathetic and go cook. Slave away at a hot stove ;-) I hope someday I'll be doing this for you.

:-X I totally didn't just say that.

*I wanna flush it again!!*

11.24.2004

Well, it seems as if in an effort to get my sleep schedule more normal, I've screwed it up more. I woke up at 4:00-- my alarm went off at 9. I slept an extra 7 hours. Whew.

Don't you hate when you are living in a world that turns out later to be a complete lie? I hate fakeness. I hate lies. I can only pray each moment that I am not living one. <> <> Well, anyway. I'm saying a prayer tonight for something I have no control over, am completely helpless against. It's one thing to pray when you can help with the situation, and another thing altogether to completely trust it in God's hands. <> <> Well, Thanksgiving should be nice in our new house. It's Joey's birthday too so that's nice. I dunno what I'm giving him yet tho. The kid has everything. I love him, but he's spoiled worse than I am. Only children. Oh well. I have to get off the phone line, I forgot that the internet uses a 56k modem here. *sigh*

*Hypothesis Concluded*

Well, here I am, just as expected... sitting at my computer at 2AM.. wide awake.. with no one to talk to or hang out with. It's definitely much more lonely at home. It's not so bad though, I got to think about all my friends while I was Christmas shopping today. Of course, I only went to one store and btwn my mom and I we spent $245. Now, mind you, that includes a whole set of dishes and all kinds of stuff for Thanksgiving in the new house but nonetheless, my mom had to sign up for a debit card to get the 10% off. It was a big bill for the first time I've been Christmas shopping.

You know what drives me crazy about the holidays? At Christmas.. everyone gets nervous about how much one person got for the other. They worry about getting more than they give... but you know what? I wish people wouldn't do that. Idk.. it's probably just me being crazy.. but it bothers me when people feel like they have to equal up to my obsessive Christmas-shoppingness. I love shopping for people.. I love spending money on other people.. and so Christmas time is my favorite. And I never ever expect a single thing in return. I guess sometimes I love it because I feel good about myself-- that I shouldn't expect return, and I don't. It's nice, it really is. But now I have all these new people that I'm buying for that don't know that I always go overboard for Christmas. I hope they aren't angry (isn't it a shame that I have to worry about giving them too much? hehe)

For my birthday, I sometimes wish I was a Hobbit, so that instead of receiving gifts, I could give them. I would love to move out of my house and run away like Bilbo.. leaving behind each of my possessions with a little tag to give to different people with a short explanation of why. It's too bad things don't work that way.

Well, either way, I had a field day wrapping all those gifts. I don't know what it is about gift wrapping that I love. I love having all the gifts together, adorably stacked under the Christmas tree all perfectly wrapped, ribboned, bowed, and tagged.

You know, when I say "overboard".. I don't mean I spend millions of dollars on people. I'm reasonable in that sense. I just usually end up with more than other people somehow. Okay, price-wise I do end up over budget, but that's mostly because I buy for a lot of people.. people who most people if they were in my position would just send a card and a smile.

Well, anyway.. I'm very worried about a lot of things tonight, and I wish I could just relax and enjoy the upcoming Thanksgivingness of things and the Christmas spirit. But I can't help it. I can't stand how irrational and random some things can be and I'm worried like hell about everyone travelling, and about a few other things as well. I just... I wish I could do anything about it. But I'm stuck here, and I know worrying doesn't help at all.. but I can't help it. I just worry. Thats why I have so many wrinkles at 18.

Speaking of being 18, it occured to me today that I am really young. It wasn't a random thought that came through my mind. Rather, I was delivering thanksgiving dinners to the needy parents of children at the local school today and I was in one womans house when she asked if I went to the middle school. When I said no, she politely corrected herself, saying I must be in high school. I know I'll appreciate comments like that when I'm graying, but for now I just felt like a 5 year old again. I mean, actually I know a lot more college freshman that are younger than me now but.. well, I guess I'm just comparing myself to some of my older friends.. who don't really act older but are and.. I don't know, its weird. But then again, age is nothing within like.. 5 years or so, except like in high school and grade school. Age kind of disappeared when I got to college. I dunno why that concerns me at all but.. oh well, just ramblings.

I have to get up early tomorrow to deliver subs as a fundraiser for the mission team. I found out today that I am staying in the other lodge at La Serena in PR over Christmas break-- the one thats a long haul to breakfast but its right next to the jacuzzi and pool :-) That will be nice. Still, I'm sure tears will be shed there, as there are so many memories of Mickey that will come to surface when I'm actually sitting there, by myself. I don't know why it's so much different from being home where we spent time togther, but it is, very much so. I have a strange feeling that I will be an emotional wreck. It's going to be a hard personal struggle, because I know I will not be able to share it with anyone. Hopefully between the hard work and the relaxation of being in 90 degree weather.. in the rainforest, jacuzzi, or hot springs.. will keep my mind off of it. *sigh* I wish I had that brain I had years ago, when I could just forget things like they were far-off dreams.. like Nick is to me now, and Greg. Although, I don't know if I want to forget. I just want to not think about him for the littlest reasons.. like the punching bag on TV that is the same as the one in his dining room.. and the eeyore that he gave me last valentines day, the only thing I forgot to pack away when we moved to my "memories' box in the attic. There's so much freakin stuff, and I can't handle it. I'm secure where I am right now, but I don't know what to do with this emotion-- it's not a longing for the past or a longing to erase the past. Rather, it's a longing to seperate myself from it.. to draw a line, place a wall between me and it where I remember but feel nothing... I want what he has. Indifference. I hate feeling hurt all the time.

Well anyway, my ramblings have come to a tired end as I have to get up at 7AM to go deliver subs. I feel like at home I'm always busy.. there's no down time. It's no wonder I didn't have any friends.. I don't have time for them between making turkey deliveries, sub deliveries, going to church, visiting school, Emmaus dinners, Thanksgiving dinner, Joey's birthday.. there's just no room. I feel rushed... I feel like butter spread over too much bread.

Forget sleep. I'm going watch TLOTR.

11.23.2004

*Cuddled Beside The Fire*

I really do hope someday this scene I am living at my parent's home will be exactly the same, only less TV and more someone cuddled by my side.

I can't help but dream of you. I can't help but smile. I'm thinking of you.

I'm home, in Absecon. I love our new house.. it's everything a family could ever dream of, at least for me. I almost feel too great here, like the money put into the house makes me feel like a rich person.. thought my dad claims its no bigger or expensive than the apartment we just moved out of. Still, it's gorgeous, I don't believe him, and I love it here. I look forward to coming home just to be here, and imagine that I will own something like it someday, with someone whom I truly love.

Though, I am scared that love is not everlasting. It's a frightening thought that it can disappear out of the blue and all of a sudden you don't even know a person. It's happened to me so many times with friends and it scares the hell out of me. But I guess all I can do is pray to a God I'm not even sure of.

Lord, somehow, I don't know why, but I know you're there listening to my plea to believe. Help me, Lord, I struggle with You lately. I can't help but fall on my knees and pray for forgiveness for doubting, but then continue to doubt. I don't understand, I can't seem to grasp it. I feel like a liar attending church affairs.. life group, bible study, chapel.. when I don't listen to the prayers.. I sleep.. I do anything to avoid listening. I don't want these acts to be fake, and so I cannot attend them falsely. I would rather just cry out to you Lord than to fakely pretend to listen to what others have to say about you. Please forgive this, but I do it for Your honor, Lord, that I will not be a disgrace to you as I already am.

I think a good night's sleep will do me good. Except I'm really just going to shop for Christmas presents online. Whoops :-\

11.20.2004

*I really hope that you'll come home.. so we can be together again*

Well.. it's late to be waking but.. I'm kinda glad the day's more than half over anyway. I didn't want to be awake for it anyway. The bummer is that I will probably not be able to sleep during the harrisburg symphony that I'm going to tonight, but oh well. I'm nervous about driving in someone's car. I think it's Ben that we're going with. I am only comfortable driving with Michael.. despite his tendencies to go 100 on highways and 50 on winding, curving country roads ;-)

"Don't wish for a better day.. be glad and use the one you're in... that's what matters, all else fades like the flowers"

Ahh.. I hate when lines from songs played during thoughtful moments relate and even lecture me.

Anyway, I had a lot to say but instead I'm going to take a shower because I feel absolutely gross. I think it's because I'm gaining weight like an 8 ton whale. But I'll do crunches in a week. I swear, I couldn't do them now unless you shot out from thigh to shoulder.

*Here Comes Another Morning*

Well, the sun is officially coming up now. 6:33 on Saturday, and here I am. Mind you, I didn't wake up this morning, just still up from last night. I actually started getting tired a few muntes ago. But I should probably stay up to see Michael off, or at least attempt to, since I'm only like an hour away from that. I only had one soda yesterday and even though i had a headache that killed me, I'm going to try to continue to cut down. Caffeine is so terribly addicting.

I made sense tonight. It was awesomely amazing. I sat down, stared at the screen names on my buddy list, feeling lost and alone after Michael went to sleep. I knew I wanted to talk to Mickey, but I didn't know why and I thought it was the worst idea in the world.. that the last thing I need on a day that went the way yesterday did is a fight with my ex-boyfriend.

But you know what? We had a great conversation. I had forgotten that he really is a great guy. I had forgotten that there was something there that kept me with him for two years. He stayed talking to me for hours tonight.. reading my mind that talking to him was a cry for help, though I had no intentions of telling him all this that has been bothering me, and he helped me without helping me. I feel bad that for the most part I've blamed him all along for what happened, and for being screwed up. I still don't know exactly how I got so messed up in the process, but he knows too that I lost myself somewhere in those 2 years. I just really appreciated a lot that he stayed with me the night, talking about things that I didn't think I'd ever dream to bring up to him again... like the two of us. And you know what? Maybe I am going to get over this.. all of it. Maybe it is possible to be friends with someone you dated for 2 years, hated for 1, and then finally figured things out with. I doubt he would ever dream of befriending crazy me again, but I wish he would. I miss talking with him. I still care very much about him... despite all the things i've said about him.

So maybe everything will be okay. I'll survive tomorrow since I'll sleep through it all having been up until 8 AM or later... or maybe ill sleep for an hour and just get up at 8. Either way, I feel a lot better.. tho still quite lost. I never thought that maybe as of right now, Mickey is the person who knows the most about me... and he pointed things out to me that should have stuck out to me but didn't.. like my major choices, etc. He was a friend for most of those 2 years, and I lost a good friend when I said goodbye.

I hope someday I'll figure out how to get over it, and look back on it glad that it happened and glad that it's over.

I guess sometimes I forget.. just how much you mean to me (sha na na na na na na na...)

Well anyway.. i think i will sleep. michael, I'm sorry if I don't wake up early enough to see you off. I had all intentions of staying up, but I think you know how it feels to be at the frisk of exhaustion (frisk? I think i made that up..). I'll be up at 8 but if i can't get a hold of you, I will miss you like crazy until you come home, which I hope will be sooner than it seems as the minutes pass so slowly tonight. I wish I hadn't left. I'm still dwelling on that. But I hope you know I'm thinking about you constantly, and I will be sitting here waiting when you get home.

I guess sometimes i just don't know how to say.. that I love you.
My bed is lookin awfully comfy right now.
Thank you, Lord. I don't know why or how you were somehow here tonight, but thank you. For words exchanged that I've been wishing for for months. Please continue to strengthen my faith in You, Lord. I am so lost..

*I'm Just A Blank Piece of Paper*

So today I woke up before the alarm. I wasn't tired, but there was no point in being awake, so I just laid in bed and stared around until I had to go to French class. I brushed my teeth and didn't even bother to get dressed or even look at myself in the mirror. I didn't care at all what I looked like, and I usually don't. I had killer cramps that kept me from making it up the stairs to french class without a severe struggle. I took some drugs to keep the cramps away, but after about an hour of the "extended relief" stuff, the cramps were back and I was miserable. I went back home, only to wait around and do nothing for another hour until Comm. Mike walked me there, which made me happy, and Jordan asked about Mike, which made me happy too. I had to ask a question about animal testing to get credit for the day, so I asked "what happens to the animals after they're tested upon". The girl said they put them to sleep. I couldn't figure out what else they could possibly do, but it made me sad to think of bags full of dead animals outside the animal testing facilities, so I decided for the most part, I'm against it. But then again, it doesn't really matter, because I'm going to go on buying whatever and taking whatever drugs will help no matter who they've been tested on. On that note, I took 3 more Midol than the recommended amount today, and I did it on an empty stomach. I was half wishing it would make me sick enough to be excused from life for a while, and half just praying that the pain would go away. Neither occured.

When I got home, I sat on a computer in the computer lab for 45 minutes before I could schedule my classes. At exactly the time when scheduling started, Schuyler walked into the lounge and started talking to me about his computer... I love Schuyler but I had been waiting like 4 days on this stupid website to get the scheduling over, so I couldn't really concentrate on what he was saying. Either way, I got my schedule done so I was somewhat happy even though I didn't get any of the classes I wanted except two that don't even count towards anything, which is pointless. But whatever, so is life.

I got back and Mike called me which made me happy. We went out to the bank and to wal-mart, which was the highlight of my entire day. When we got back, we sat down to watch tv and he fell asleep. I watched him sleep for a good 15 minutes and he's so adorable. I fell asleep on the floor next to his couch and woke up a few minutes before he did. When he did wake up I sat beside him and knew that I wasn't going to see him much longer. He was tired, as usual, and I knew he needed sleep. So I sent him to bed, much to my own complete devastation that I was losing him for the only night I'm going to get to spend time alone with him before thanksgiving break. I went back to my room, my roommates were at a concert, and I just stared around. I drew a picture of my "psychological garbage", and then laid down.

I'm not tired, why would I be? I sleep constantly. If I'm not with Michael or in class, I am generally asleep. I have late classes and no one stays up late anymore so I just sleep. But anyway, i fell asleep, setting my alarm ahead every half an hour in case michael woke up, because he's the only reason worth being awake for. But he didn't wake up, and I couldn't sleep anymore, so I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to see him until early Monday because he's going away again and so I went down to the computer lab to entertain myself. I was miserable, the drugs have long worn off and my headache from lack of caffeine is killing me. I was borderlining migrane on the car ride to and from wal-mart.

But anyway, a few minutes into being in the computer lab, michael showed up. He had gone to my room, which made me want to scream and throw something because i had been waiting hours and hours for him to walk through that door and I had left not 3 minutes before he actually had. I was happy to see him but I was miserable myself, and I was upset that every time I see him he's sleepy and it makes me feel like the most boring person in the world. I have been trying so hard to be interesting, and I know deep inside that it has nothing to do with it, but in the end he's always sleeping or doing something else and I'm in my room staring around doing nothing. But it doesn't matter, it's not his fault that I'm so insecure.

So anyway, I left the computer lab for home because I felt like crap and was about to get sick. So I went home, got a dirty look from my R.A. who had walked by when I was kissing Michael-- she is a hypocritical jerk anyway.. so anyway, i threw up for a while and then went back outside where had to explain a few more times to mike how i was okay. I wish i hadn't lied. Michael, I'm sorry that I lied. *sigh* But I'm definitely not okay, because he told me he was going to bed because he's leaving early in the morning and I left a tear on his shoulder and sort of left awkwardly and meanly. And I'm such a moron. I fucking hate myself for it, and I've already been freaking out since the moment it happened. I'm not going to see him for a few days and I'm going to freak out until I do again. When I got home, I started this long IM to him apologizing and for probably the first time in a month, his screen name signed off. Now he's probably long asleep and here I fucking am, crying. But I still don't have real fucking tears. It doesn't mean I'm not sad.. I just have no more tears. There's nothing left to cry. I swear my tear ducts are just tired and empty. There's nothing left of me.

I can't believe I did that. I just can't believe it. I can't believe I didn't turn around for ten fucking seconds to make things right again. I miss him like crazy when he's gone. The fucking phone, that never rings, rang twice since I've been home. The first call was Jenni, excited from the concert, and ready to watch a movie. I love my roommates and I love it when they're happy but tonight it is just so hard to be around the happiness. The second call was Ben, an awkward conversation as we usually have because somehow the way we were before has disappeared and I can't even have a decent conversation with him anymore. He misunderstood something that I said and I lied so that I wouldn't have to repeat it. He always calls for Alicia and then acts like he wants to talk to me. Ben, I don't even care if you want to talk to me. I'd rather you were just honest and called back when Alicia was here.

I almost called Michael "Mickey" today, and I told him about it but didn't even close to express how much it bothered me. I'm half tempted to talk to Mickey right now, because I need to know if he even cares about it anymore. I need to know if when he's sitting alone in his dorm in the middle of the night, insomniac that he is, if he thinks about me, and if he regrets everything like I do. I need to know if I messed him up as much as he messed me up. But I'm never going to talk to him because he will fight with me or ignore me. Either way, I refuse to bother crying anymore for him. He doesn't deserve any more tears, he's had more than his share, he's dried me out.

Either way, I'm sitting at my computer completely a wreck. I am just sitting here again, staring around.. and I don't have a passion. I don't have anything that I like to do. Not even one thing. And I hate school.. I hate being here. I hate that I haven't seen Michael once in the past couple weeks when he hasn't had to leave, and I hate that I can't handle myself better when I'm around him.

I feel like I'm no fun anymore sometimes, and I know that I'm not, and I just feel like there are so many things everyone would rather be doing than being with me, and I don't have anything that I'd rather be doing, especially with Michael. I wouldn't even be doing anything else if I wasn't with him.

I can't seem to get a picture in my mind of where I'm going and I can't seem to figure out if I even believe in God lately. I have to write a spiritual autobiography for FYS next week and I have nothing. I didn't have some major event in my life that changed my way of looking at things. I have nothing, was passionate about nothing, made no friends, and found nothing about God in any of it except weekly visits to church. So I just feel like a body, taking up space and breathing everyone else's air.

The worst part is that lately I just can't sleep at night. I sleep too much. I never want to get out of bed because I don't get the point. My roommates are walking in and out, getting things to watch the movie with, and they talk to me but I can't hear them. I can't concentrate on their words. My mind is a blur even more than my glasses are right now. I know that this particular mood of mine happens to show up once a month for me, but I can't help it. I feel genuinely lost and I have for a while. I have been praying at dinnertime for God to help me believe that he's even there. But I don't think God hears me when I don't believe He's there. I just have a hard time believing in something because someone has told me to. And I hate the Christian fakeness and I hate that I am expected to say certain things at certain times to justify and remind people around me that i'm a "good christian". I've always been a lousy Christian. I sing in church because everyone loves me there and tells me I have a good voice, even the day I sang with brochitis and nearly exploded the church with my squeals. I like the spiritual feeling I get when I sing too, but its self-spirituality. I invent it in my head because I am taught I am supposed to experience it. Just like at Creation, just like at Keswick, just like in Ocean City Tabernacle and Newsboys concerts and the Christian festival at Great Adventure. Maybe I wasted all my tears being fakely falling into God's arms when I just wanted to fall into my friend Mike's at Keswick or to get closer with my dad at Keswick or to my mom or shannon, or just try to understand and justify why no matter how hard I pray, my grandmother keeps getting worse and worse. She's losing her memory now, and I wouldnt be surprised if one day I called and she didn't know who I was. She had the flu this week... and I forgot to call her Sunday. When I called Monday, she told me how sick she had been, and I realized that missing a phone call is a horrible thing for me to do. Because she could very well have been gone.. and I just "forgot" to say goodbye. I love her so much and I don't want her to suffer like this. I don't want her to have to sit in her bed all day. She must feel like me sometimes, just sitting here with nothing to do, staring around with no one to talk to. Just existing for the purpose of existing.

A single tear is falling down my cheek right now.

I can't believe I left things the way that I did with Michael. And I don't even have a way of getting a hold of him to say "I'm getting up at 8:00 tomorrow so that I can properly say goodbye".

I guess the problem isn't that i'm not passionate about anything, it's that I'm passionate about people. And people die, and people forget their promises, and people go away sometimes, and people can be untrustworthy and can be noncompassionate and retardedly religious to the point of making me doubt mine. And people are dissappointing, most of all. And so, my passion for them is constantly let down, no matter how much I can justify their actions to myself. My dad's never going to love me the way I want him to. My mom is never going to ask me to repeat what I say more than once. Michael is never going to stay up all night with me when he knows he needs sleep. I wouldn't let him anyway. He's never going to think about the future with me, and make plans... and I wouldn't let him anyway because plans are stupid and hurtful.

But I'd do anything right now to look into his eyes and know that I will always be able to look into them. I'd do anything to lay beside him now and know that someday I'd lay beside him every night. I'd do anything... but forever isn't clear. He had his fucking kids named with his last girlfriend, and obviously that didn't work out so well. The future is so retardedly unpredictable and I wish it weren't. I wish it were socially acceptable and financially reasonable and parentally approved for 18 year olds to get married, have kids, and start supporting a family. I wish that I could enjoy all this time with Michael knowing that it wouldn't break my heart someday... I wish that I could enjoy the time we spend with the assurance that I won't have to start all over again with someone else, with the assurance that it's going somewhere, with the assurance that he feels so intensely passionate about me as I do him. I wish that I could just say "This is it. This is the person I want to be with forever." Why bother waiting around? Why bother with getting everyone's approval and staying together for years and years until things become touchy and we still have the option to let go. It's probably going to scare the shit out of him to read all this, and I admit that it's completely crazy. I just don't understand why things have to change, why we have to ve together so long to figure out if this is it. Because, I'll speak for myself only, but I know that if I wanted this to be it, it would be. I could be passionate about that decision for my entire life. Because, I'll be completely honest, the only thing I know I want to do is be a Mom. I want to have kids and I want to stay home with them. I want to enjoy my youth while holding someone who I am going to hold through my adult life, and I want to enjoy my youth before I have kids with someone that I want to have those kids with. Wait, why the hell am I at college to be a mom? Who knows. I just want someone to love more than myself, because I don't love myself much at all and I have so much love and compassion for others to replace that, but no where to send it as of yet.

Michael, please don't get freaked out. It's only the Midol talking, although this is the way I feel, for the most part. But it's not like every single girl in the entire world doesn't feel the same way about their boyfriends, but no one says it. And you know me, I like to say things that people don't think is socially acceptable because I think its stupid to hold back something you think that much about. And this is something I think about pretty often.. that I really am paying all this money to "get my m.r.s. degree". And it's not very much like most girls and probably guys aren't here to do the same thing. Its just that.. if I can't get passionately excited about what job I'm going to have in my life, then I have to give myself a reason to keep going with it.

My future, to me, really is a husband, a girl and a boy (maybe two boys), a cat, a dog, and a warm, cozy, small house with a brick fireplace where at Christmas we can actually hang stockings by the chimney with care in hopes that St. Nicholas soon will be there, not too many things to clutter the house, but enough to live off of comfortably... A family that teaches honesty and not holding back your opinions or thoughts because they're not socially acceptable... A family that doesn't protect too much, but doesn't let the kids roam free too much either. A family that would someone allow kids to go on dates but not screw up their lives by getting physically involved at an early age. A family that raises kids that think like me about drugs and drinking. A family who eats dinner around a table every night, where I cook meals with three courses and delicious desserts... kids that I can say "just eat two more bites for dessert" to, who like food way more than I do or ever will. A family who I can do things for that I could never do for myself... small things like call the pizza guy, and big things like working my butt off to pay the mortgage. Where I can work hard enough before the kids are born to be able to afford to stay home with them until they are past school age, and where I can watch them grow. I want a family where Mom AND Dad are equally able to relate and talk to the kids.. where BOTH parents are involved in their kids lives, where there isn't one parent who "just doesn't understand or care" or "just wants to yell at me and never listen". I want a fish tank with fish that don't die and don't eat each other. I want to be 80 years old watching my grandkids play baseball, cuddled under a blanket with my sweetheart still by my side, still happy to be in love with him.

And you know what? I know there are circumstances in which none of these may happen. But maybe I do believe in something with this: I believe that if you believe it, you can do it and become it. And I believe that my life can be exactly what I described. I know its stupid and fairy tale and juvenile and naive to think that. But love is something that isn't going to feel this wonderful way forever, and I wish I could snatch it at its very roots and hold on to it forever.

And I hope I really mean all that.

I think I need a soda. It doesn't even matter that it's going to keep me up, because I'm going to keep me up anyway. *yawn*. I think I'll eat and.. I don't even know what else. Sit and stare. I'm good at that.


I wish I didn't feel like a burden on so many people's shoulders. People like happy people. People like positive thinkers and strong believers and smilers. They make you happy, they make you look at things in a lighter light. And I'm definitely not one of those people. And I hate myself for it. But I can't help the way I'm feeling. And I'm feeling like I'm gonna end up in ECT.


11.19.2004

*Yeah Right*

I wrote the last entry as if I wasn't going to be in the computer lab all freaking night. I knew very well that I would end up at this lab writing a blog. I was just in denial.

It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me... You oughtta know.

I can't sleep. I'm looking at surfboards on ebay like Mike looks at his cars-- every single angle, every little ding and every touch up is important. I don't even know why I'm looking at surfboards. I'm just going ot be depressed at how cold the water is when I get back to the shore next week.

I don't even want to go home. Every time this going home thing rolls aroudn I find myself thinking the same stupid thing. I don't want to go home, but I don't want to stay here. Or maybe I do want to stay here, I jsut want everyone to stay with me. It would be so much more fun for me if I just could be here with everyone for breaks-- no homework, no stress... and a car to get around with everyone. I just hate going home... I hate coming back home (as in to Messiah) and hear everyone talk about their friends and feeling like I am the lamest loneliness loserinesst person in the whole crowd. Thats definitely how I felt last time at least. Of course, Shannon wasn't home the last time.

I don't know. What I do know though is that if I'm nagging my dad about a surfboard when I get home, I'm going to be upset. I asked him about 15 times the last two times I was home to make one little phone call. You'd think he'd do it pretty quickly, considering he has customers all day that ask him to. But no.. family comes last. He called about 5 mins before I had to get in the car to go back to school. *sigh*. I don't understand. Either way, I'm getting the number when I get home and getting my board, whatever my dad thinks of it. I don't even care what he thinks. Surfing is the only thing that makes me happy right now at home. It's the only thoughts I can entertain here for more than 10 seconds other than ones about having a family someday, and those, I do believe, are never going to come true if things continue the way they are with me. I'm entirely too unstable to be a mom. My kids will be writing awful things about me in their blogs before they even know how to speak.

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind.. I'm short but I'm healthy yeahhh.. ....I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed... I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby. What it all comes down to is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine. ....I feel drunk but I'm sober. I'm young and I'm underpaid. I'm tired but I'm working... yeahhh. I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone, I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby. What it all comes down to is that everything's gonna be quite alright. What it all comes down to is that I haven't really got it all figured out just yet. ...I'm free but I'm focused. ....I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby. I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shit... And what it all boils down to is that no ones got it figured out just yet. But I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is playing a piano.

Wait a minute, man. You mispronounced my name. You didn't wait for all the information before you turned me away. Wait a minute, sir. You kinda hurt my feelings you see me as a sweet back-loaded puppet, and you've got meal ticket taste. I see right through you.... You took me for a joke. You took me for a child. You took a long hard look at my ass and then played golf for a while. Your shake is like a fish. You pat me on the head. You took me out to wine, dine, 69 me, but didn't hear a damn word I said. I see right through you.

I freaking love loud emotional music when I'm angry. I can throw on the headphones and drag it with me anywhere I go and just be angry. The fun thing is, since I broke up with Mickey, I always have soneone to be angry at. He's the one that screwed me up after all. Ha. I wish I believed it was all his fault. But I'm still mad at hime either way. And I enjoy being mad at him either way, even though I'm mad at myself for being a moron. But that's a topic for another day.

I'm typing loudly because I feel like being obnoxious to everyone else here. They're all doing homework. They'd probably all hate me if they knew I was just sitting here because I was bored.. at 2 AM .. and was too awake to go to bed. They'd probably laugh at me. They'd say I was lucky for not having class until 12 tomorrow. But it isn't that great. It sucks right now actually, because I don't hang out with people much during the week anymore.. so I get like 12 hours of sleep a night. By the weekend, they're ready to crash and I"m ready to party. It's a bummer when everything gets called off cuz everyones passed out on the floor from fatigue. Too bad it's private school and I can't be passed out beside them anyway from alcohol overdose. I didn't say that, at all. Moving on...

I miss .. nothing. no one. everyone. everything.

Michael, I am so glad you have been getting more sleep. But God, do I wish you were awake right now so that I could hold you.

I'm sleepy. WOAH. That just happened, just now. I'm getting in my bed before this goes away.

*Computerless*

Being without a computer is harder than I thought. I think my laptop has literally become an extemsion of my fingers, and Michael has taken my fingers away from me. Bummer. Not really cuz he's fixing it cuz my IE doesn't work. But until then... I'll be blogless. *sniffle* goodbye, cruel world.

11.18.2004

*More Alarm Clock Fun*

I swear, my alarm clock knows the days that are important. Most days, being late to wake up would be no big deal.. especially waking at 9:50 which is before all my classes every day. However, on days like TODAY when I have my clock set at 7AM and have a plan for every moment between 7 and chapel at 9:30, there really is no room for the alarm to be bitter.

However, this morning was CHAOS. I missed chapel much to my disapproval, #1 because I was supposed to meet Michael there, and there's nothing I'd rather do than see his smiling face first thing in the morning, and #2 because it was a common chapel and i have to attend ALL of them to get credit for the semester. So much for ALL.

I also had my reading journal due this morning which, had I had half an hour longer, I would have finished. However, I only finished about half and it was half-assed, and so I will probably do poorly which makes me sad, because I did all the work for it. Plus I was late for my presentation as well as completely unprepared to present today. I don't know if I have a Music Through Singing test next class but if I do I should be studying for it right now because I don't have time for this madness. I probably missed the review last week because I'm a slacker and didn't feel like going to class for whatever reason last week.

I'm trying to be in a good mood despite all this but... I'm having difficulty seeing through the contacts that didn't get properly put in this morning. I think one's in backwards. *sigh*

I just.. I was so.. okay last night. I cleaned my room SPOTLESS, and did most my homework. Went to bed at a decent hour in a good mood, complete with a scheduled list of things to do in the morning from 7 to 9:30. Thats 2 1/2 hours that I missed of things I needed to do. And it is making for a rushed, non-good moodish day.

I just wish that my life wasn't controlled by a little black box that plays loud country when I don't need to get up and sounds of silence when I do.

11.16.2004

*The Last Thing On My Mind*

Fall Break ruined everything. Everyone came home all studious and concerned with keeping their scholarships and now I'm getting 14 hrs of sleep at night and I'm twice as tired as before. I haven't stayed up all night, or even past 3, in weeks, and I'm cranky about it. I have already written my paper, i actually studied for today's french test, and I was better prepared for my comm project than anyone else in my group-- I even spoke up and answers 90% of the questions that were asked at the end. But it's not fun. I officially find no satisfaction in completing assignments and taking tests.

I can't get no.. satisfaction

Actually, satisfaction for me now comes from other things-- like lottie ice cream, my betafish meatball, maraschino cherries, Mike's smile, Boy Bands Radio. Unfortunately, my group of friends doesn't hang out every day like we used to. I mean, I'm happy because I still see my roommates every day cuz, well, they live here, and I see Mike every day because, well, he may as well live here. But I dont know. Even saying that, I realize that I haven't spent nearly as much time with Mike because most of our alone-deep-in-conversation time was in the middle of the night, which is apparently for sleep now. So thats a bummer.

I also realized why I subconsciously found use of the word "bummer". I miss being friends with Danielle. I stopped worrying about her a long time ago, leaving my trust in Shannon to be the rational person in her life. But I miss all the fun we had... the three of us. I'm always reminded when I think of her when we took that stupid magazine test about how well you know your friend.. and the only people who didn't know each other almost perfectly was dani and i. I miss her, but its so hard to.. I dont know.. relate to someone who's grown apart from you.

And its hard because Danielle always demanded attn before, and she still does, from shannon. And so before I left for school, every time I got to hang out with Shannon, Dani would call and join us. I tried telling myself that I didn't mind, but I realize that it sucked because they knew each other and I didn't. They had all this history and I didn't. And you can't really learn or recover that.

I guess that's kinda how I feel now, with Mike. Not even just him, but with everyone. I love one on one interaction.. before, it was pretty much all I could get anyway.. mostly in small talk or listening to many people's problems. But now its more like.. when I'm talking to someone I just want to talk to them, interruption-free. And with Michael I just want to be with him.. and I love my friends, and I don't mind when they show up.. but I still recognize the loss of that time. I know its crazy to say we don't spend enough time together, cuz I think we're pretty much glued together from sunrise to sunset. And I shouldn't bother saying that cuz he's gonna read this and get freaked out but.. I dunno. I'm really ok when I'm home and away from him. Its just hard when he's right here, and I'm standing next to him, not to be able to ask him what he's thinking about, or just lay there in his arms.

Arms. Dammit, my arms are grossly out of shape. Along with everything else. I need desperately to make time in my oh-so-busy schedule of eating and sleeping to work out. I swore I would when I got to college, but lately I have had no motivation to do anything unless someone else was doing it and I was already in the mood. I'm never ever in the mood to work out. But I'm always in the mood to sleep. Which is, and I quote, a bummer.

I am officially down to $5. Poor college student is right.

Well, I'm going to do what I do best, considering lack of anything (slash anyone) better to do (slash be with). Dammit Mike, I talk like you.

11.15.2004

*I Hope I Can Find The Words To Say*

I happened upon some reading today that caused me to determine that I am a very simplistic: above all, I desire simplicity in everything. Sometimes, I think that making things complex would be a better alternative, but then I just laugh at myself, because I was created simple. I look at things straight in the face, and I often wish that nothing was kept unsaid when clearly it is known: for example, today in French class my teacher started a sentence, fumbled around with his words, and eventually just gave up and started talking about something else. Why did everyone act like they hadn't heard? Now, don't get me wrong, I hate french, but it annoyed me that I didn't know what he was going to say.

Well, whatever.

I should clean. I think my dorm is lately where I most desire to have the least amt of stuff. I am overwhelmed, and I'm not looking forward to going home and realizing I have to unpack all my junk from there too.

Oh, and it's rising in the back of your mind... but under skinned knees and the skid marks, past the places where you used to learn, you howl and listen, listen and wait for the echoes of angels that won't return

He's everything I want, he's everything I need, he's everything inside of me that I wish I could be, he says all the right things at exactly the right time..

I'm waiting for someone to put me together.. I'm waiting for someone to push me away..

There's always something more I wish I'd say

Anyway.. I am supposed to be working on my *very important* Comm project right now.. so I'm gonna go do that. <3>

11.13.2004

*Lookin for a Song to Sing*

I'm listening to "boy bands & blondes" radio. Right now they're playing a song appropriate to what I'm thinking: "God must have spent a little more time on you". I wrote a long (VERY long) letter to my mother this morning. I talked about all the people here that I haven't really described in detail to her... and I told her about Michael. I discovered it is pretty hard not to just pour out everything to her, how whenever I look at him I can't help but smile and want to hold him forever. I hope she doesn't think poorly of me, for saying I had one boyfriend one day and the next day I was talking about someone different. I don't even know what happened, but that I'm happy where I am now. very happy.

You changed my world with just one kiss.

When I look into your eyes I know that it's true: God must have spent a little more time on you.
I miss Shannon a lot. I was disappoint to find out that this wk isnt Thanksgiving break, its the following. But there's only two days in the week. And I think that one my two classes on Tuesday is going to be cancelled. So I think I'll survive. I just don't have a ride home yet. :-\
I've been.. thinking too much. Admittedly, I can't stop thinking about the meaning of life. Why am I here? What do I believe?
Right now, this is what i KNOW i believe in:
* We are all connected. People need people, one event leads to another in a fateful pattern that one cannot know about until it is complete.
* Everything is a symbol of everything else. Metaphor is a large part of finding meaning, and proof that everything is connected.
* You cannot learn from what other people tell you about meaning. It is something you can only find for yourself.
* I believe in kindness. "Christian love" or not, I believe that we should live to help other people, especially through kindness. We should approach others with a background of love.
* I believe in love. That two people can fall in love and that it is different but similar to the love we can have for each other. I cannot yet say that I believe in eternal love. I do believe it's possible, but I don't think that it is possible to know right from the first utterances that it will "last forever".
* I believe that there is something else.. that there is something holding this all together, conducting the earth, from one event to another.
* I believe that things should change when they become "tradition" that has no meaning. I believe it should be pointed out that people rarely hear the prayers once they close their eyes, that one can sing a praise song for 4 hours and never hear the message, that hymns can be wrong, that the bible can be wrong, that you can look like a christian and do all the stupid actions like visiting the christian bookstore twice a week and wearing a "jesus is my homeboy" shirt, but oftentimes it is a selfcentered love of self that reflects nothing of God. I believe that the "christian image" needs to be thrown in the toilet and we need to realize that reading "I kissed dating goodbye" doesnt make you a christian. Nor does claiming you're dating jesus, pray without ceasing, or have fallen in love with your church. I have a strong distaste for fake christians.. that pretty clean pink and blue relgion that is all neat and organized. Religion is messy, and you have to be willing to get your hands dirty, not just a shirt that says "body piercing saved my life".
* I believe that nothing but God can be absolute, but we cannot be absolutely sure of that either.
I don't understand suffering. I don't understand how we can attribute all good to God and all bad to the devil, and never wonder about how much power each has, how God would allow people to suffer, disease spread to the innocent, rapes and murders to occur, or how He could allow "Christian households" in which the religion is imbedded into a child's head. I believe that I've learned values from my parents but I cannot "learn" their religion through them.
I believe that I have a lot of learning to do on this subject. I believe that I have been thinking way too much.
I know my calculus. It says U+ME=US.
*sigh* I bet Michael looks real cute twitching in his sleep right now.
:-X
I can't wait until I see his smile again today.
Much better. Anyways. That was a little much for me. I need a soda (AHH I'm AN ADDICT. I have 6 a day at least or else the migranes set in. I'm going to the CStore and check out those caffeine pills).

11.10.2004

*Whoo.. More Entertainment*

I liked this one even better.. I can't resist...

Bold what is true. Add something true for you at the end

.01. I miss somebody right now
.02. I watch more tv than I used to
.03. I love olives
.04. I love sleeping
.05. I own lots of books
.06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
.07. I love to play video games
.08. I've tried marijuana
.09. I've watched porn movies
.10. I have been in a threesome
.11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
.12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
.13. I have acne free skin
.14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
.15. I curse frequently
.16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
.17. I have a hobby
.18. I've been told I have a nice butt
.19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
.20. I'm really, really smart
.21. I've never broken someone else's bones
.22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
.23. I love rain
.24. I'm paranoid at times
.25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar free
.26. I need money right now
.27. I love sushi
.28. I talk really, really fast
.29. I have fresh breath in the morning
.30. I have semi-long hair
.31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
.32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
.33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S
.34. I shave my legs
.35. I have a twin
.37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D
.38. I like the way that I look
.39. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months
.40. I know how to do cornrows
.41. I am usually pesimistic
.42. I have mood swings
.43. I think prostitution should be legalized
.44. I think Britney Spears is pretty
.45. I have cheated on a significant other
.46. I have a hidden talent
.47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
.48. I think that I'm popular
.49. I am currently single
.50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
.51. I enjoy talking on the phone
.52. I practically live on sweatpants or PJ pants
.53. I love to shop
.54. I would rather shop than eat
.55. I would classify myself as ghetto
.56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
.57. I'm obsessed with my LJ!!!!
.58. I don't hate anyone
.59. I'm a pretty good dancer
.60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
.61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
.62. I have a cell phone
.63. I watch MTV on a daily basis
.65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
.67. I have never been in a real relationship before
.68. I've rejected someone before
.69. I currently have a crush on someone
.70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
.71. I want to have children in the future
.72. I have changed a diaper before
.73. I've had the cops called on me before
.74. I bite my nails
.75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
.76. I'm not allergic to anything deadly
.77. I have a lot to learn
.78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger than me
.79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
.80. I am very shy around the opposite sex esp. when they are really good looking
.81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
.82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
.83. I have tried alcohol before
.84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
.85. I own the "South Park" movie
.86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal
.87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
.88. I enjoy country music
.89. I love my best friends
.90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
.91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
.92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
.93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
.94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
.95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
.96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
.97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
.98. I have dated a close friend's ex
.99. I'm happy as of this moment
.100. I have gone scuba diving
.101. Had a crush on somebody you've never met
.102. I play a musical instrument
.103. I strongly dislike math
.104. I'm procrastinating something right now
.105. I own and use a library card
.106. I fall in 'lust' more than in 'love.'
.107. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks
.108. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest things ever
.109. I'm obsessed with the tv show "Lost"
.110. I am resentful that I have to grow up
.111. I'm obsessed with celebrities
.112. I think that Gerard Way is one of the sexiest people alive
.113. My love life is non-existant
.114. I wear my heart on my sleeve
.115. This didn't take as long as I thought it would
.116. I think Ashlee Simpson is prettier than Jessica Simpson
.117. My CDs are alphabetized.
.118. I have dated for someone 2 years without understanding what a good relationship is.

*Whoops*

well, i guess with this newfound okay-ness, i realized I'm bored and I have no work due tomorrow, only one class which has no assignment, only reading that no one ever does. At least I don't. So.... I love you, Shannon, for filling my time with cool things like this :-)

last kiss: Michael.
last cigarette: never.
last car ride: Monday morning. yay walgreens.
last good cry: its been a while, though i would rather it hadn't been.
last library book checked out: Grace by Mary Catledgehayes.
last movie seen: Changing Lanes.
last book read: Grace, unless you could the one page of Communications homework I just read.
last cuss word uttered: I haven't slipped in a while..
last beverage drank: Cherry Coke :-D.
last food consumed: Hmm.. easy cheese and club crackers.
last phone call: Mark! :-D.
last tv show watched: Hmm.. I don't think I've watched tv since I watched TRL for Jesse's video premiere.
last time showered: around noon, during french class.. those are the best showers after all.
Last shoes worn: Uggs.
last cd played: Tim McGraw.
last item bought: Meatball, my beta fish.
last downloaded: Hmm.. i can't remember.
last annoyance: Being in groups for communications.
last disappointment: That I realized that my whole grouphas been right over there ---> and i was gonna join them in 10 seconds but now they're gone. I didn't even know they were there in the first place...
last soda drank: Charry Coke.
last thing written: A letter to mike and a communications outline.
last word spoken: thanks.
last sleep: From 1AM to around... 1:30PM
last im: Michael.
last time hugged: Before Comm @ 2.
last time scolded: Last time I was home. Nice to be home, dad.
last chair sat in: The cheese chair I'm sitting in here at the union.
last shirt worn: My favorite Old navy long sleeve shirt.. and a care bears on under it. PA is COLD.
last time dancing: Every time I hug Mike my heart is dancing ;-).
last poster looked at: Probably Chad Michael Murray on the floor outside our room-- why is he there anyway?
last show attended: Hmm.. I guess.. it was.. Crazy For You at Gami...
last webpage visited: www.blogger.com

.. it's open season on my heart ..