* s t a r d u s t a g a i n s t a p a l e s k y *

A falling star is a phenomenon to an adult and magic- a miracle- to a child. Who's right? Things are what you define them. So who am I? I guess it's up to you...

12.31.2004

*Sunburnt In December*

The 85 degrees was actually about 100. It was 94 degrees at 4:00 so it coulda been even more. I'm burned to a crisp, and quite content about it :-)

*Paradise*

I'm lying on the beach in a pink bikini on an orange beach towel on Guilligan's Island. I swam in the Carribean and went snorkling. It's got to be 85 and I'm drinking a coke and wishing Mike was here and I wasn't so fat. :-)

*Pure Bliss*

I just got off the phone with Mike.. the thing I counted down to all day (or.. the moment I planned it). God, he makes me so happy. We don't even have to be talking for me to be sitting there smiling from ear to ear. We talked for 53 miuntes and 59 seconds (lol) which makes it almost 11 my time. *happy sigh* I have to admit that this long distance relationship thing takes a long time to get used to. I'm getting scared of the fire slowly dying with all that lack of talking at all for a long time... although there is nothing that causes that suspicion unless its from the other side because I still feel the same way about him as I did in October. I actually can't believe how close we've gotten and how much I've learned about him.. and myself, too. I just wish he could enjoy this weather.. although me in anything less than long sleeves and jeans is frighteningly unattractive these days, so maybe it's the distance that is helping that. *sigh*. GOODNIGHT <3>

(side note: the other entry from today about typing in the church for a dollar a minute was actually not me typing at all ;-) I think it's frighteningly pretty damn close to what I would've said tho.. and so I'm leaving it posted because I enjoy it.)

12.30.2004

*Wish You Were Here*

Well here I am in PR, using their computer to write in my blog, paying a dollar a minute. Yes, I'm that obsessed with this thing. Be quiet Mike, I'm only updating because you'll have a heart attack and die if you don't have something new to read ;-)

Since I dropped Bible I've gotten used to getting all the sleep I could ever need, but that's all different here. We need to wake up at 7am so we can start painting the church at 8, and we go until 2 (we've been going until 3 or 4 to be nice). We just have one more room left to do a second coat on, then we will be done, so tomorrow we don't start until 11, so I get extra sleep :-)

I should probably be going, I need to catch up on sleep, and to dream about Mike. I already dozed off for 20 minutes, my mom is going to kill me when the church gives her the bill :-(

*I would do anything to have Mike here with me now*

*Sooner or Later*

I've been counting the hours until I get to call Mike. Hehe, I have to wait until 10 pm because I told him 9 not thinking about the time difference in the Carribean islands. :-\ I dunno if I can hold out that long. It won't let me listen to my saved voicemails on the extended network which makes me sad because Mike's voice is on there and I miss it.

Today we almost finished painting. We also painted and organized the pastor's office and the dining room. We don't have much more work to do Saturday so I don't think we're leaving untill 11, which makes me VERY happy.

We're waiting on dinner (it's 5:50) because Pastor Brian and a van full of 1/2 our mission team was in a car accident and the cops drove all the way from Ponce or something.

I don't think I'm ever going to get a surf board. I'm really still annoyed that my dad won't call mr. bonek. He'd probably give me a freakin board for $50 or less. But no, my dad would rather see me spend $300 on a used board to have it banged up on the airplane so that he doesn't have to make one lousy phone call. slutever. (;-))

I'm officially one of those chicas that has absolutely no right to have a belly ring because my stomach is disgustingly large. I BETTER get my ass in shape IMMEDIATELY because I will NOT turn into my parents.

I need a haircut and a BIG hug from Michael.

*Still Only Beginning*

Everyone has to do a huge thing every morning to make fun of me for being awake, especially my dad. I'm REALLY getting sick of it. The last thing I want to hear at 6 am - 7 hrs before I would normally get up-- is some snide remark about my being awake. How do you say "please leave me alone" in spanish?

I get to hear Mike's awesomely amazing voice today. *happy sigh*.


*The Work Begins*

Today was.. interesting.. hehe... tiring. Woke up at 6 to turn the alarm off... made it to breakfast on time despite lack of energy to climb up the mountain. Breakfast was the 1st real meal I ate for a while. Got in the vans and to Iglesia Metodista de Salinas (Methodist Church of Salinas, PR). I can't say I really liked the new pastor.. I dunno why he rubbed me the wrong way.. maybe becase he wanted the green and pink church painted white. I sort of felt like we aren't really needed as a mission team.. painting really isn't all that important. The green looked just fine, too. I'm not one to beg for hard work, but I'd like to complete mission work on a mission trip.

Came home and napped after putting on my bathing suit and deciding that I don't know how I lost weight in college but managed to get quite fatter. I HAVE to get back to working out because I feel terrible and large and I really shouldn't because I'm pretty average, I know. Ugh.. I'm just gross looking.

I missed Mike like crazy today. Bought and wrote him a postcard from the Bacardi estate in Ponce.. and postcards for Jenni Ali and Shannon, too :-) Gorgeous gardens at that place, surrealistic trees.

Before Ponce we were at Juana Dias, with their gorgeous lights for the Three Kings festival. There was a surf shop there and if I have a chance to go back, I'm getting a board and board bag and shipping it home with me. I'm not one to be greedy and disappointed with Christmas gifts.. but I told Santa that all I really wanted was to keep my Michael and a new surf board.. and I was honest! :-)

The 6 dogs here are cute and I met the horse today, too. He was sweet but he tried to eat my fingers. All the animals here are strays (except for little Wendy, daughter of Wendy I, who was born this year and is already considerably larger than her mother) :-)

Still have white paint splothes all over me. Dad is snoring but at least the air conditioner isn't on like last night.

I feel lonely.. like I don't fit in with the 15-16 year olds or the adults or the kids. Abby is who I hang out with most and she's 11. I'm just glad Allison isn't attached to me this year, although I think last year she just acted that way to talk to Mickey. But I don't dare go onto that topic today.

I do miss Mike a lot. It doesn't even seem real that he'll be at my house a week from Friday. I almost have lost hope in it. Tho I don't know why. God... I really do love him. We get along so well I think it boggles both our minds. We're so alike and fitted and I'd even give up this 70-80 degree weather for the rest of the week to be in his arms tonight.

I can't see my paper anymore.. time for bed.

12.29.2004

*Puerto Rico Bound*

Well, Mrs. Sabath was the first to bring up Mickey in Puerto Rico and I am currently recovering from the blow of the first punch. So, let's see-- what a day.

I hardly remember waking up this morning. It ws 4:45 and I didn't doze off until sometime around 1 or 2. I remember how cold I ws when I got out of the shower, although I don't remember getting out of bed and into the shower, which makes me kind of nervous because I was operating a razor at 5 am. Surprisingly, I don't see any cuts on my legs.

We picked up my grandfather, in the dark, and all I remember about the ride to the airport was mumbling something about Wawa and my grandfather handing my mom two handfuls of mint lifesavers for no reason other than that he is my grandfather and he always does that.

When we got to the airport I was semi-concious. My dad was making fun of someone who was tired and because at 5am in an airport this morning I believed it was my last day on earth, I tolerated him and tried not to kill him when he started arguing that mornings are "God's time". It was 11 degrees and I had on sweats, the sneakers I haven't worn in God knows how long, a surf tshirt and socks and a sweatshirt jacket thing. The had to go through both my bags because aparently I look like a terrorist and my BIBLE of all things looked suspicious. The guy went through my books and asked if they were for school and I just laughed-- half because the question didn't quite register at 5:30 am and half because I was glad I have no homework as opposed to last year when I had a rather large essay due when I got home. But yeah...

They boarded us like 20 minutes late and after a LOT of "15 more minute" warnings, they informed us that we had no flight crew- asd in no PILOT, of all things. So they grabbed two random guys sitting next to me to fly the plane. I originally had been comforted, thinking they were air marshalls. But yea.. we were sitting on the plane in AC for 2 hours and I was dying with anxiety about flying... "reading" even though my bookmark was a picture of mike and I clung to it like it was a life vest until takeoff. To my relief, everyone on the plane was pretty white and friendly loking (I don't know why that comforted me. I'm no racist, but something about sitting behind someone from the middle east still freaks me out). I stared out the window most of the time as if I could mentally help us properly land if the plane took a nose dive.

Luckily, we landed, and they had held our plane in Ft. Laurderdale. We got on and within a REAL 15 minutes we took off and sat another 2 hours and some minutes. On this flight, 80% of the people flying were PUerto Rican (I wonder why) and none looked very happy with us when we got on. But we made it safely to San Jaun. On the plane, we passed over the Bahamas.. the water in the sun looked like a nicely textured piece of blue paper.

In San Juan we got out luggage - or rather, I got it while dad went to get the vans and mom watched the carry-ons. Some random guys helped me get the ridiculously large bags my dad packed, and I thanked them in english while almost trying to say "Merci". I ecided never to attempt to speak Spanish because hearing the other 25 people on our mission team try spanish made me feel like an ignorant american white person along with them.

We got in cars and drove another 2 hours to La Serena. The car ride was equally as scary with the brakes squeeking and such. At on point, everyone yelled at Dad to slow down on the mountains and I yelled with them and Dad yelled at me and I let myself finally get annoyed with him because my feet were on solid groud and it appeared I'll live another day.

On, I forgot, t the airport there were like 10 surfers waiting with their boards outside and I wanted to join them. They were obviously american and they seemed really cool. I wanted to go with them instead :-\

La Serena has changed. 6 dogs, a horse, no tarantulas, no Mickey, and no easy walk home. I live in the other house this year.

Well, I'm tired and I'm about to turn in. I never realized how tiring just istting there waiting can be.

12.27.2004

*Woah*

I'm leaving in 8 hours and I haven't begun to pack yet, and i have to get a good night's sleep in there somewhere. Oh poo.

I officially have a CD and it will be release never because my voice sounds like two frogs playing hopscotch in a puddle of mud while the alligator from China is being sewn into a Brighton pursse.

*Inevitablity Isn't A Toy*

So I'm sitting in the DMV with my mother today, getting a duplicate of my license since I left mine at school and I am going to PR tomorrow and since I'm 18 I need to have a formal ID to get on the plane and out of the country. I was talking to my mother and just happened to look around as I tend to do and I see a head of curly hair that looks just like Eliot Ramos who sat next to me on the bus Freshman year. My first reaction was "thats really freaky that he can drive" because he was crazy and threw a stapler out of the window. I noticed that I recognized the kid who was standing with him but I couldn't put my finger on it and didn't really think about it at all.

So before I know it I hear my name. And I look up and Mr. Curly head is ex-boyfriend Greg Dyer and Mr. Who IS that guy is Micah Torres, a Pilgrim grad and classmate of Greg and Mike and Weston, the whole Pilgrim crew. I got all flustered and freaked because it was the last thing on Earth that I thought would happen. So anyway I hugged him after he got out of line and it was nice and we talked but it was totally weird and he smelled like some kind of girly cologne and it was actually not as freaky as I thought it would be. He's ALOT different than the cheating, crazy 7th grader that I met however many years ago. And I liked his curly hair.. it fits him. I dunno if I'll be hanging out with him when he gets home but it was nice to know that all guys don't turn out the way they acted when they are in the 7th grade, which gives me a tinge of hope for my graduating class of 2000 because let me tell you, they weren't going anywhere but down.

So anyway, I think he's following Shannon and I and its freaky. lol. But I didn't run into Mickey on my trek to Gourmet tho I was ultra-paranoid the whole time i was there so that was good. I figured hey, if I saw him at gourmet I may as well drive down to Green Bank and visit Nick to top off the exboyfriend day (hmm.. is green bank up or down?) oh well. I still have yet to clean and pack and get ready to leave at 4 in the morning tomorrow. Mum says I can't just stay up, and I was happy to hear that the total amt of time in the air will only be about 3 hours. It's a long time but it's a lot shorter than the 9 that were were in the air LAST TIME. Perhaps Detroit wasn't on the way, after all ;-)

*Roar*

GR. I despise computers. I just worked on the Law & Order game (its actually really hard and really neat.. for lack of a batter word) for like 2 hours.. finally got a search warrent for the mother of the victim and got all this stuff together and I was finally getting really far with the case.. had 3 of the people already at the precinct for questioning. And then my computer just blinks and my instant messenger is still up but the game is gone. I went back to find that my game is where I started it this morning. Bummer. now I have to do it all over again. I hate computers.

Anyway I don't know why in the middle of polar express I broke down and almost started crying. There was this young boy on the movie that started to cry at one point and.. I don't know why it all of a sudden reminded me of how much I miss Mike, and how hard that weekend that we broke up was.. especially that whole night that we were breaking up for like hours. I guess I haven't thought about it since, that actual night I mean, I mean why would I want to think abou tit (there you go michael), but I don't know. I guess the movie just kind of brought it out unexpectedly. I dunno if it's worth thinking about, because I don't think that anything good would actually come out of thinking about it. But I don't know.

I guess I'm still a little scared of it happening again. It's hard to think that a relationship that you think has been perfect thus far can suddenly come crashing down and you can't do anything to stop it. I certainly went through the stages of greiving that night, because my first reaction was definitely denial. for the first whole like hour or more I didn't even think it was really goign to happen. I guess that's what made it so hard when I found out it really was. Oh, I shouldn't think about it. In the end it made us stronger, and his explaining about what happened and why it happened was clear enough for me to realize that it needed to happen and that it made him stronger into us as well.

I'm thinking maybe my blog should be a private one. It kind of freaks me out that random people that I don't know much read it.. even sometimes when people are offended by it and things. Cuz really I don't think about things before I type them. The thoughts completely bypass my brain and my good judgement about whether or not I should post it on the internet for all to see. I hope that if you read that Mike that you know it's just what I was thinking about, that I was just typing what my thoughts were. I guess I worry about it a little more than I admit, but I promise you I am mentally working on changing that opinion. I guess just that people have changed so quickly, guys especially, in the past that I don't know what to make of our sudden break up, even though I sort of already have made what I need to out of it.

Well, I'm starting to stop making sense (woah did that make sense?) so I'm just gonna stop. I am really glad, though I don't know why, that I went through this all with Mike because now I really feel more comfortable knowing where we stand. And I pray that it is not likely that he will suddenly turn in the other direction again. *sigh* I guess just being away makes me nervous because I don't know what is waiting at home for him-- who is waiting at home for him.. and what his plans for this upcoming semester that I'll be at Messiah for. I don't know how he deals with this long-distance thing, and if he misses me half as much. I don't know. I'm talking nonsense. I am supposed to be packing but I"m starving but there's no food so I am going to lie in bed and read or something. Probably finish my book of lyrics & poems that I started last week ... a collection of everything I've written since I was little in poems and things. It should be interesting to see how I've progressed.

All I truly know is that God does things for a reason.. that things in my life aren't just random and useless.. and that Mike being put in my life was truly a blessing intended to last :-)

12.26.2004

*Worthless*

The song that my screen name is after.. i really think the only way the extremistness of the song can go is a Christian angle. But it goes a little like this:

I woke up today with a revelation: an introduction to the truth
And I know the world is round and what goes up comes down

And maybe I, finally got it figured out:

A moment is worthless
no meaning, purpose

Every breath is just wasted
If you are not the center of my world
I'm just drifting, barely existing
Cause every minute without you is worthless
Without you is worthless
And you know the state of my condition
Yet you hold me anyway

And I won't a step unless it's your direction
Where was I, before i finally realized
A moment is worthless

no meaning, purpose
Every breath is just wasted

If you are
not the center of my world

I'm just drifting, barely exhisting
Cause every minute without you is worthless
Without you is worthless
There's a void, there's a space
And you're inches away
There's a tone in your voice and
It makes me feel brave
There's a glow in my eyes
That shows I'm alive
Cause I revolve around you I can't live another day
Without you every step of my way
Without you is worthless

I dunno why I felt like sharing that, but it's a great song, tho I'm sure Greg meant it as an obsessive notion to a girl. Good luck with that Greg ;-)

*The Polar Express*

Well.. the Polar Exress was incredible at the 3D Imax. The Quarter looks really cool for the night life too, at the Tropicana. My mum is arguing with my grandmother right now over the price of the purse that she bought me from Brighton, and I'm about to take the damn thing back because it is beautiful but expensive and I'm sure my mom could not afford it on her own, and my grandmother doesn't seem to want to help. It's funny because I never ever thought of my grandmother as cheap until just now, after she said she wanted to buy me a car and now she won't help my mom with the gift she told my mom to buy. Boy, it's not Christmas anymore is it? lol.

I miss my baby. I want him in my arms right now! NOW I SAY!

*sniffle* ordering around absolutely nothing didn't help. *sigh* I do miss him a lot. I've never done this long distance relationship for any serious amount of time before, so the next couple months is really going to be hard for me. But I know that he's worth it and I have someone wonderful to hold at the end of this long amount of time. It will be nice to have him here if he comes in January, but I think it will be even harder to say goodbye.

I remember when Shannon came to pick me up, and Mike helped me out to the car. I was sad that Ben had offered to come but we had already gotten everything in our arms and didn't really need any more help. It was kind of sad but I remember thinking that Ben and I must be over, and that I had something with Mike. Just the same as star gazing, as watching the sunrise... beating him at spit, the total eclipse of the moon and spotting shapes in the clouds. Everything has been wonderful. And when I hugged Mike and got in the car with Shannon, she told me I should hold onto this one. And I intend to :-)

*Almost There....*

I feel tired. Sort of stretched... like butter over too much bread. I just didn't want to roll out o =f bed this morning (as in 5 minutes ago) and I don't want to have a day today. I feel bad for missing church and I don't want to get one day closer to flying in a plane.

I just downed an enormous mug of hot chocolate in about ten seconds flat and now not only am I freezing bu tI"m sweating too. Even my body temperature is confused and frustrated this morning. :-)

I don't want to go to Puerto Rico. I hate to say it but I really really don't. I'd rather drink a stale soda from atop my dorm room refrigerator (which, by the way, I did before I left and, it was a very unpleasant experience). Well, I'm sure my parents wonder why I roll out of bed and do nothing so I should probably act like I'm eating and preparing myself for the day when in reality I am trying to slam on the breaks and throw it into reverse before it gets to the end. *sigh* I should be excited like everyone else. I will be, when we get there and it's 75 degrees, sometimes 80, and I'm on the beach.

I ache for a hug from Michael.

*Christmas Ain't The Same Without You*

I really did enjoy a quiet Christmas this year. It was the first day in a really long time I saw my parents completely relax all day. It doesn't even matter that my parents and entire family completely ignored my replies to their nagging about what I wanted. Cuz in the end, I love my family, just the three of us. However, I do miss it being the four of us. My aunt gave us for Christmas a very special gravestone, engraved with "Euchre: Everybody loved him. 2004". It got my whole family to cry, but it was the best Christmas gift I got this year.

I had the sudden urge midway through the day to get in my toyota and tell Michael I was on my way. I can't imagine leaving to go to Puerto Rico without seeing him. I wish he lived close enough to meet me in the middle and have lunch or something. I guess it wouldn't be too bad. But I'm sure we're both booked. Well, at least one of us is.

God, I really do miss him. But it's nice.. I think about him and smile but it's not like I'm sitting in my bed staring at the ceiling until he comes over in January. But it's not like I don't think about how its going to feel to be in his arms most of the time either ;-)

*sigH* I'm talking to Johnny D about maybe hanging out some time before he goes back to school. It was weird, I talked to Greg the other day too. I think maybe it's a bad idea to talk to Greg anymore. But I have a really hard time being mean and ignoring people and.. i dunno. People change. But i doubt Greg did. We'll just see if he decides to call me back. Blah. Johnny D suggested that we go together to Cabaret night.. which figures cuz that's the first day Mike will be down. And I wanna see Johnny D but I do not think I will be leaving the arms of my beloved for a few nights. (Remind me never to use "beloved" again.. it went way past disney channel corny to... horror murder mystery freaky) Johnny D says that he WILL be meeting you Michael.. so beware :-)

I don't know if anyone's noticed this about me but I am very paranoid about making people comfortable all the time. Like.. I dunno. I'm constantly making sure that everyone is okay with everything, and it's the main reason I am indecisive, because I never want to tell my opinion in case someone else doesn't agree but will go along with it anyway once they know it's what I want. I can't stand that. It's also the reason I can't let people buy things for me, do things for me, or even things like holding the door. I never want to be the one to inconvienence someone because I know i'm just getting in the way, even if they've offered it. I dunno. I'm a paranoid lunatic. Don't mind me.

I love this sweater my aunt gave me. I've never EVER shopped at banana republic before and I wouldn't even know a banana republic if I sat on it, but this sweater is beautiful and it has a scarf to match. God, I have way too many clothes now but I definitely will be getting rid of a ton because somehow despite the fact that I've lost 10 lbs (AHH over the 5 or 6 that I had lost the last time i was home), some of my clothes don't fit anymore.

I talk too freaking much.

Merry Christmas everyone :-) I hope you all took today and said "What a wonderful thing it is to have a family on a day like today, when we can share in the joyfulness of the promise that the season brings". Because that's what the beauty of Christmas is all about.

12.25.2004

*Bah Humbug*

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I went in and out from almost asleep to wide awake. I didn't even have any caffeine. Maybe I still have the little kid's disease being excited about Christmas. But no, that wasn't it. Because I'm just glad I have my family here and healthy and.. stuff. :-)

Let me just side note that I have the worst cramps in the world and I'm sorry if I sound miserable on Christmas but on a normal day like this I would never get out of bed at all.

We're listening to the Beatles on our new turntable. "I Want To Hold Your Hand" is on. I miss Michael. *sigh*. I want to hold his hand.

I definitely think I'm sick on top of the cramps that I have because this is horrible. I don't even want to move. I just want to keel over for a day or two until this hopefully subsides. My asthma is acting up too from the cigarette smoke from the rest of my family (my parents are the only ones on either side of the family that don't smoke) and from my dad burning every godforsaken thing in the house in the new fireplace. This is our first Christmas in this house and it's also the first Christmas without our dog.. it shows.

Anyway, I should be with my family even though I just want to fall over. Merry Christmas everyone.

Let me just side note that overanalytical and smart people make me want to tweeze my eyes out.

12.24.2004

*Christmas nEVEr*

I think that my family is losing their minds. My aunt and cousin and uncle are here and we just opened my grandmother's presents. It seems that she loses her mind a bit more each year. And apparently her favoritism of my aunt over my mom showed this year so much that it made my mom cry. So we're laughing hysterically over how bad the gifts are and then my mom laughs until she's crying and now she's in that "nothing is wrong" but something IS wrong mood and she's just cleaning and not talking to anyone. *sigh* I need some midol.

Anyway. I shouldn't base my life out of a blog but i would normally keep a journal anyway and i like this better. So there.

Joey's girlfriend is in florida so I don't feel as bad that Mike is in NY, although Joey and I are enjoying CHristmas Eve with blank, sad, lonely faces.

*sigh*

*Whatever*

Well, the feeling I get is that this guy that was supposed to give us his dog is never going to call back. In fact, I do believe he is the type of person who ends up killing his ex-wife and stealing his daughter away only to leave her with a babysitter while he goes and parties. I hope his house and his 1 million-inch tv burns down.

I guess this taught me a lesson. And I really don't mind not having a dog as long as we don't have to deal with this jerk anymore. I don't want to be in any part of his life because if he becomes a sniper, I am not going to be the first shot fired. So there.

I miss Mike more and more as Christmas nears. It's one of those things. Haven't you ever heard the song "Everybody should be in love with somebody on Christmas" :-) Well, I am. Just, he's not here. And I miss him. Poo.

I have cramps and instead of lying in bed all day whining like I normally do on days like these, I am having a party. Thanks a lot Santa.

I still miss Mike and I sat in bed last night for a while wondering what it will be like to see him again, and whether I should run into his arms and knock him on the floor when I first see him or if I should just act like it's every other day and be cool. The latter is more likely, especially seeing as how "cool" is not in my repertoire, whatever that means.

I finished my book last night and it was pretty good. It was a young reader's book, so it was pretty easy to get through and the plot wasn't too complex and the characters were easy to remember. So I recommend it to any and all and if you want to borrow it, it's sitting on my night stand. It's called "You don't know me" by David Klass.

I think the party has arrived. Oh joy. I want a dog.


*Finally..*

No, we did not get the dog. But things are actually running smoothly here on Christmas Eve. I've been doing the laundry, cleaning, vacuuming, and wrapping my parents' Christmas presents to each other (my mum is getting a DVD player, a turntable and a lot of jewelry... my dad is getting shirts, one is cashmere and i just want to sit there and hold the shirt and not wrap it.). So despite all the work I had to do (including actually taking a shower and getting dressed, something I have failed to do quite as routinely as usual since I've been home), no one has been upset except my dad a little over the dog, but we are just thankful that our family is not so screwed up. His family is just too young and too stupid to see how badly he is screwing everything up.

And apparently the dog was given to him by the stripper that he was living with while cheating on his wife which is the reason they got divorced. So that's cool, right?

Anyway, my aunt cousin and uncle are coming at three (which means they're coming at four or four-thirty) and I don't really like the new tradition of opening gifts on Christmas Eve but I think I can deal with it okay. We're apparently not the advent family after all (to light the candles at the service tonight) and that was kind of dissappointing but I am an alumni acolyte so that is nice. You know what I was thinking (Shannon this is a question for you) didn't we always look forward to taking our acolyte crosses home? Whatever happened to that, did you take yours? because I didn't and now I wish I had so I could wear them on Christmas Eve 7 o'clock services. P.S. Shannon I hope you're coming because last year everyone else walked to the back of the room and I was left all alone in the aisle singing with my lit candle to no one while everyone looked at me funny and eventually BrianandNicole (that's one word now isn't it?) came up and pulled me back. That was really embarassing even in my own church.

But anyway I really just want a dog. I know we're just going to get a puppy if this man doesn't give us the dog, and maybe thats good but I really just want to save the dog. And the daughter. And the lives of innocent girls and dogs everywhere who are born into families that don't care about them and don't feed them.

GR. I asked for Mike this Christmas. I remember the last weekend I came home and my mom asked me through my tears to make a Christmas list so she could go out and buy me things (because thats all she could think of to console me I suppose). I took out a piece of paper and wrote "michael s. maset" on it and then went to sleep. *sigh* I told you Michael, all I want is you this Christmas :-) and I suppose you is what I have (plus a Jesse McCartney poster or two).

Well, my grandpa is here (not that that's a big event anymore now that we live an inch away and next door to my aunt and uncle) so I'm gonna go say hi and bitch about not having a dog. lol. *sigh*

I miss Michael.

*Oh, This Stupid Dog*

So my family is having a breakdown on Christmas Eve because every day we're supposed to get the dog, there's a lot to do "before" so we rush around and then get the phone call that the dog in fact is NOT coming and we get annoyed at each other and go shopping. Well, I stay here because my drivers license is currently in Gratham, PA. (yes that means I drove home from PA at 80 mph without thinking twice about anything besides the guy that tailgated me on the expressway and the tastykake truck with the other truck tailing it and the brake lights and whatnot.

So the stupid dog. Argh. It's the aweetest dog you'll ever meet and so is the daughter that is currently telling her father to take back all her christmas presents and keep the dog. My advice: if you only see your daughter three times a week and the past two days you've managed to avoid her, a bad idea is to drag her along to give her dog away for the first time this week of quality time with her dad. There are apparently 4 other days in the week in which said daughter is NOT at the house, and I"m sure countless hours when he isn't theree either but nonetheless he needs to get the dog here immediately or BOTH of our families are going to be train wrecks on Christmas Eve.

Once again, God forbid I ever have a broken family.

I had the best conversation with Mike last night and he makes me happy. And my da is currently nagging me to wrap his presents. Lovely.

*Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh*

Merry Christmas Eve Eve. I was hoping the dog would come today as promised so that my mom would cheer up and we could be a happy family around Christmas time again. But the jerkoff called to cancel again.

The man who is giving us our dog has not fed him in quite a while. On Tuesday, one of three days he gets his daughter, he was leaving to go to a party as soon as he got back from work and leaving the girl with a babysitter. Today, we heard the exact same excuse. If I ever get divorced I will be the most miserable.. I don't even know. All that I do know is that I am going to MAKE SURE that if I am going to have a family ESPECIALLY if that family involves a little innocent child that my family is going to BE together and STAY together. I don't care if that means dating for way longer then people usually do.. I will NOT ruin a little child's life because I could not handle mine. I will be the minority, I swear it do you, unless it happens beyond some circumstance within my control. But I sure as hell will do EVERYTHING to be SURE that I am with the right person to stay with forever. And I will certainly be sure that I can feed a dog when I buy one.

So I'm thinking that tomorrow morning when we "get" the dog, I will be begging the owner to let me adopt his Brianna too. Poor child, but she's probably the same as most other children her age anyway.

The divorce rate makes me sick, and this man who leaves his daughter with a baby sitter on the only days he's allowed to see her so that he can go to Christmas parties and drink with his friends makes me REALLY sick.

when and if i get married it will be real, it will be true, and it will last a lifetime. i believe in holy matrimony and i will be saving myself for that and i will not disgrace myself or my family by divorcing or anything of the sort. sure, i believe that divorce is the answer for some (even all) that get divorced these days. the answer is not to stop divorces. the answer is to stop marriages that are decided upon using the wrong thinking instruments.

Gr. I hope Christmas Eve is not as frustrating.

12.23.2004

*YAY!!!!!!*

I am so excited because I have just opened a new blog empty thingy and I have absolutely NOTHING TO SAY! Ho-ho man. I am my hero today. I'm gonna go finish my book.
Merry Christmas Eve Eve!
((hey look, it's even an even time! :-D))
I'm a loser.
I miss Michael.

12.22.2004

*Something To Be Sure Of*

So I woke up in time to go to the ECA.. the school where I grew up in for nine years. Last I heard, school ends at 2:12, but I'm sure it's well after that now. I'm mostly going to see Mrs Sabath about going out to eat, although it kind of makes me nervous that she is insisting on going alone. If she brings up the somewhat secretive things that I have been emailing her about, I'm not going to be able to handle it. I'm too shy of a person to have discussions like that unless the person I'm talking to is myself or someone like me (i.e. Shannon or Mike).

Last night was crazy, I should never talk to people at 3 am. I got crazy, and Mickey probably thinks I am the biggest emotional wreck in the world when in reality if you just walked up to me on the street, you wouldn't be able to notice a thing about my personality that is different from when my life was going okay. But I don't care because we both said that we are both glad that I broke up with him and that's all that matters.. the fact that there are absolutely no feelings ttached to the conversations we have is a good thing, especially for me :-D :-)

I don't know why I left my parents that note last night, but one of them read it because it moved from the refrigerator to the table. All I want is for them to sit and think about how Christmas is a time for family and love, and thus far this house has been chaos and us being annoyed at each other. I know it happens to everyone's family, and I'm sure it's happened here every other year, but I guess with my having been away enough to not be able to see the tension build up, I am overwhelmed with it this year.. especially because I am supposed to be relaxing with no homework and no work. Whatever.

I'm really jealous because everyone I talked to last night from here came back from school and got a job. I NEED A JOB. I want a car like none other and I'm sick of seeing these people whose parents handed them a car at age 16 and have bee paying their payments/gas/insurance ever since. I know its pretty impossible to be financially independent at 18 (trust me, I've tried) but yall have to pay for SOMETHING in life. I just don't know, although I'm sure I wouldn't have complained if there was a car in my dfriveway for me. But sharing a car with my dad is more like sharing a car with a five year old. He throws a fit over every alteration (he even washed off Mike's writing in the dust one day when he was mad at me) that I do to the car, and trust me, it's never big. Like there's this clip that fits into the air ven and holds a little puch. I guess it makes sene to hold a cell phone except that it hangs over all the buttons for the cd player, radio, etc. It's really dangerous and really hard to change a cd while driving in that car anyway, and this thing makes it impossible. Even with the pouch thing off, the hook that's in the air vent makes the air vent stay straight and thus it defeats its own purpose. So when I had the car I took the damn thing off (slash mike did) and my dad walked into church on Sunday getting all upset over it, telling me I owe him $7, etc, and later on my parents have this fight about how my dad focuses on the stupid little things to get mad about, and that stupid little 50 cent clip comes up in that fight. It's SO retarded, and the reason why I can NOT share a car with my father.

But anyway, these blogs have turned into novels so I better quit while I'm ahead. Hey people do get paid to make novels out of their blogs. Only I'm too boring and stupid. Yay me.

Michael, I'm losing my mind, come save me!

*Oh Dear...*

tomorrow is the first day I have to get up all break and it's the first night I haven't slept by 3 since I've been back. I just drank another cherry coke and it is making me shake violently, and i miss michael like a fat kid loves cake. and i'm so tired that i just said that.

I will leave you with the following food for thought about my love for Michael.

(me): MICHAEL. you're my hero. thank you for ALWAYS making me feel better. you're like the big happy heart on yoshi's story. you don't just give me full strength, you make me happy and jump around and sing stupid songs, too!
Auto response from (mike): i love sarah.

*Things I Wish I Could Say To My Parents*

I just got done writing a letter to my parents and magneting it to the refrigerator. It's as much as I can say to get close enough to my true feelings without hurting theirs. But damn, i wish I could say the real things:

Mom... I love you. You mean the world to me. But the way you talk about my father is like he's your child. I know you're always in the right, at least 95% of the fights, but the way you never defend his ways makes me repect him so much less. I just wish you would slow down> I feel like you're putting as much work into your job as dad right now, and you know very well that that's way too much and the more you put into work, the less you put into family. I admire your giving spirit, but sometimes enough is enough, and you have a family at home that misses you. And sometimes I just want to sit and talk and not have you have 400 things on your mind and other things you should be doing, and have to run to 400 errands and do 400 chores. You need to take a break.

Dad... I have already accepted the fact that you will never try to get to know me truly, that I'll never understand you and you'll never understand me. However, I get defensive when you ask me to do things now because it's all you ever do. I know you wish I was a boy, and you wish I was you when you were my age, but I'm not. AND IM NEVER GOING TO BE A BOY. so sorry. I'm not a workaholic like you or mom. I think that taking a day or two or the whole winter break off except for a few things here and there isn't lazy it's practical and it's relaxation. I do the girly things like laundry and food shopping ALL THE TIME, but you never notice things like that now do you? I DO WORK AS HARD AS YOU MOST OF THE TIME. I come home to relax, but instead I find that between your mood swings and your picking fights with mom that there's a higher stress level here than during finals week at school. I wish that you would find a healthy medium between obnoxiously happy and perky and arrogantly mean and grumpy. And I wish you would lose weight and stop eating crap because you're going to evetually have health problems and regret it all, and you're going to hurt us all if you get sick. I wish you didn't have to hug me 400 times when there are other people around, and I wish I didn't always feel like you have to fake our relationship around other people like we get along great and you don't only ever ask me to do things and then ignore me when I talk to you. Sometimes it's okay to sit in a quiet room with no TV or anything to distract you and just have a conversation with me. But I don't think you have EVER done that. You and mom may be complete opposites but you would work fine together if you would just walk in the door from work and talk to her and listen to her instead of coming in, plopping on the couch, talking on the phone, watching tv, or sitting at your workstation. I just don't understand why you can't just listen to us when you listen to hundred of customers and you're perfectly normal, non-moody with them. Why do you have to devote 98% of your time you your work and none to your family? And what is it going to take for you to get it straight?

Let's face it. After 40-something years, my parents are never going to change. But I am changing. And I know I don't belong living in my house anymore. I think I'm going back to school over JTerm whether I'm taking a class (and whether Lydia likes it) or not. I'll stick around long enough for michael to visit here (my parents are actually really great people, michael, i promise, it's just a parent/daughter thing. everyone hates their parents when they come back from college, don't they?) and for shannon to go back to nashville. after that, I don't see a point in sticking around, especially if the retarded guy that owns our dog right now never gives him to us. The problem is that I really need a car, and my parents told me not to get a job this christmas break so i could work for them around here, but guess what? I'm working here. I'm supposed to for free. And that's what I'm getting paid : 0. I don't really have a problem with it but it's just that i should've gotten a job. But see without a car, I can't get a job, and without a job, I can't get a car.

Fuck it. Why can't things just be like disney movies? I just want my parents to love each other, to get along with each other and with me, and for them to treat me like I'm an adult and not a child. I just want them to stop for ten seconds and think to themselves that they have a daughter who has never smoked, drank, had sex, gotten a detention, gotten anything lower than a C+ (once), gotten pulled over, arrested, stolen, gone to a club or a bar or a casino.. nothing. Why can't they just love me and not look at my coming home as an extra set of hands to clean and cook, stack firewood, set up cable internet, and help thread the cable through the house. My mom really has been welcoming, I shouldn't accuse her of those. But my dad just doesn't care about me. He has all good intentions but rarely follows through on them. God forbid I turn out to be the hypocrite that he so often is. I love my dad, but it's honesty. God, I pray for my dad, because he never seems to understand, and he never seems to have anyone else in mind but himself.

I just wish Michael was here. I need a hug s obadly it hurts me to think about him. Look, a teardrop.

:*(

They're singing "Deck The Halls". But it's not like Christmas at all... Baby, please come home.

*How Many Times Tonight Will My Plans Be Ruined?*

So I got in the bathtub. That seems safe, right? Stress-free, especially with new strawberry shampoo, LOTR to watch on the laptop, 6 chocolate bars and a toothbrush. Even that got ruined, believe it or not. My dad cracked the door, saw my laptop, and went out to flip on my mom for it. Whatthefuckever. I'm going back to school for Jterm because I am not welcome at this house.

*And Another One Bites The Dust*

Never ever think to yourself that your night is over and you can go to bed now. Because inevitably, somethign else will come up that will keep you up another hour stressing out about it.

Email from ex-bf Ben came in my messiah mail. I wouldn't have checked it except that Mrs. Sabath (my youth leader) and I are supposed to get together tomorrow and I'm not sure if I am picking her up or vice-versa. I would send Ben an email except he expressed that "our relationship is just an occasional post in an electronic blog" so here you go. An occasional post in my blog, the thing I devote most of my time to besides my now boyfriend, parents and best friend. Maybe because I'm shy and this is the only way I have to express myself, maybe because I don't want to seem like a bitch to people but I think they should know the truth of my feelings even if they just have to read it on the internet.

I didn't even know Ben stopped by anymore, but I do that all the time, breeze through people's blogs for my name. It's nice to hear the pretty, sugar-coated things that people say when they think you're looking. But that's not me. I know I don't have the guts to say things to people's faces, but if they read my blog they need to understand that this is the sugar-free side of me that includes those raw emotions and cut and dry thoughts that run through my head.

Unfortunately, in quite a strange moment of anger over the words "I love you", I think I really upset Ben. And I honestly didn't mean that. Perhaps it wasn't a mistake to him to use those words in a relationship that only lasted 3 weeks (I thought it was shorter, actually). But to me, 3 weeks isn't even a relationship. My first boyfriend, Nick, when I was 13 even lasted 2 months and he cheated on me. And so did Greg, BF #2, and that lasted 2 months as well. I didn't even consider them real boyfriends, as I tend to say "My first real boyfriend was Mickey" and he was a good 2 years plus (adding in the times that we spent afterwards that may as well have still been together-times). I suppose in a rush of packing and finals, Mike and I missed our anniversary, but at least we can also count in months. I understand that in that aspect, Ben and I differ, and I'm sorry how mean my blog must've sounded.

My actions in the relationship were just as wrong as his, because I went along with them. Uttering the words "I love you" after already having told him that I didn't think saying those words was appropriate until they're certain was a mistake but it was my mistake. It also confused things in a future relationship with Mike and those dangerous three words. But that's besides the point.

The point is that I was confused and college goes so fast that I hardly noticed what was going on. Ben and I were planning our summers together (with him 7 hours away in virginia) by the 2nd or 3rd week of dating. The PROBLEM is that we had only known each other as long as we were dating. It was like a blind relationship. I had hung out with him but never actually talked to him until we were together. The truth is that I didn't really think he was a "sexual predator that covers up my villainy up with flowery romantic words" at all. I just think he's looking for something (the "l" word) and he's trying to get it anywhere.. including people he may admire, but hardly knows, like me. I just don't think that giving gifts like those he gave me only days into a relationship is appropriate. But that's just me. Most girls would be flattered, and I was. But I was also intimidated and scared away by the fact that this person was persuing a very serious relationship with me and I wasn't sure at the time that I wanted a relationship at all, that I wanted a relationship with him, or that I even knew him well enough to be a good friend. Time has proven that we don't even make very good friends. In fact, his little blurb about my roomies just proves that in thinking about those people that I live with, he didn't even notice I, his supposed ex-girlfriend and "love", was at the same party and got him a gift too.

I should be appreciative, he got me a wonderful gift for Christmas that was both thoughtful and useful, something we had talked about while we were still close. The truth is that I just don't understand him, as I don't understand most men, I mean boys. I can't even read his blog no matter how hard I try because my mind wanders and he speaks in riddles and flowery language that I personally would never dream of using. I always feel like he tries to impress with his vast knowledge of books and theology and vocabulary, and that if he just said it, raw and out there, it would even make more sense to him. But again, I just don't know him and I just don't understand him.

I guess I should react to some things that he said. : he admitted he was "a man with many masks and smiles accomodating to people." and I know its not my place to even say that. I think he is a good friend when he truly knows people, but I do think he gets a false sense of friendship with people he doesn't know very well, like me, and he thinks that it's okay to just smile and act like everything is perfect, when obviously nothing in this world is perfect. He also said "I just don't understand how Ms. Hayden thinks I was a love-liar, when I remember admitting to her my uncertainty, the fears I had". God, I wish he would just call me Sarah or Kat or ANYTHING other than Ms. Hayden because it seems like he's looking down on me, like he's better than me, trying to be my dad or the adult. Bull. Just because I'm two years younger than most of my friends doesn't mean I'm to be looked down on- we're all at the same level. Anyway, I don't think his feelings were insincere. I think he believed he had them. That's why it freaked me out. Because all of a sudden he was able to feel comfortable planning the future and i never ever want to put expectations on any relationships, much less relationships that are still measured in weeks. I realize that Ben was uncertain as well but it was like.. it was just INTENSE. And my last boyfriend before him was intense and I'm sick of that. I can't deal with the intensity of planning, analyzing the relationship every moment. All Ben and I talked about was the relationship, and that really isn't a relationship at all. I have found myself in a relationship now without the intensity and expectations, and I find it to be everything I thought it would be.. wonderful.

In regard to the fact that Wednesday afternoons have become days which I wonder "why doesn't Ben eat lunch with me anymore?" I hate to admit it, but I've shown up for two since he stopped showing up. I even talked to Brian about it, asking him if Ben was going and to let Ben know that I'll be there. But you know what? Sometimes I'm stressed, and I don't understand why Ben and I don't see eye to eye, and I just don't want to deal with eating lunch ith him when I know nothing will be said and it will be a bundle of nerves and cereal and ice crea that leads to an early "goodbye" by one of us follwed by an excuse to leave asap. Sometimes people just aren't meant to be friends. Hell, I wouldn't be my friend after what happened, because I know the whole thing between Mike and I was going on well before Ben and I were even together. Not like I was cheating (AT ALL) or anything like that but I think it was pretty obvious that it was going to happen (tho apparently not obvious to me). And if I were Ben I wouldn't have talked to me again either. So that's fine.

But here's your little blurb in my blog, Ben. I hope it explained some things, especially why I would be offended by what went on. I didn't know that tears were shed over our break up and I'm sorry that you were upset over it and I wasn't.. because I am just used to long, long relationships and I suppose I already knew that it was over between us whereas you were under the impression that it was temporary. We are exact opposites in a lot of aspects, and we certainly didn't belong together. I hope you find what you are looking for, and I hope you stop finding it in so many because you are looking for something that only a select few can have for you. And you need to know, really know, someone before things like that can blossom and grow. And it needs to be mutual.

But anyway, my rents came home not fighting so I suppose the divorce fight will not come until tomorrow, if ever. If they don't fight tomorrow then it probably won't happen at all, which would be nice because the divorce never happens anyway. All I can say is that I hope there is a dog in my near future because I need a hug that neither blog nor parent can give. I'd prefer Mike (God, I miss him a lot), but I suppose Bear can fill in for a little while (just not for everything.) :-)

NOW I am going to watch Lord of the Rings. And I'm going to eat chocolate. LOTS of it. And take a bath, WHILE watching. And eat MORE chocolate. And Midol, dammit (I think it was pretty obvious how moody i was today now wasn't it? lol)

12.21.2004

*WTF Is Wrong With This Picture?*

ARGH my parents are really driving me nuts. They are fighting all the time and if this has been going on for a while, i see the "we're getting a divorce" speech in their near future. They've been saying it for years and years and it's retarded because they probably never will, especially after just moving into this house perfect for a family of three, a dog, and a fish. It's so retarded. They fight exactly like Mickey and I used to fight-- over absolutely nothing but the fact that they annoy each other in the way they act. The difference is they've been married for 21 years, and they should have figured this out by now. My dad comes home and his mood swings can literally be counted in seconds. 10 seconds he's extra-happy, ten seconds he's pissed off, and back again. It's an endless cycle that is just stressing me out. I wake up, all relaxed, having a nice time doing nothing because I have nothing on my schedule, enjoying some TV or reading a book or listening to music or taking a nice long shower and being quiet. And then my parents come home. My mom is always in a rush with 4-- things to do and I really don't mind helping her but I do wish sometimes she would just come home from work at 330 and just stop working. And then my dad comes home, he's all stressed, my mom and I usually leave right away to get away from him, like today. But either way, he works around the house but mostly watches TV and talks on his cell phone, ALWAYS asks me to do 5 or 6 jobs or so and then he picks a fight with my mom over nothing. Today he didn't want her to go to the Clubs to deliver Christmas gifts and a tree. The clubs are pretty much the roughest area in Galloway or around me at all. But FYI: My mom grew up in Brooklyn and Queens. She's always lived in the city in poorer neighborhoods, and the clubs are not that bad. But my dad wanted to go with her so it was fine, but she wanted to go tonight, like right away like she planned, and my dad wanted to go tomorrow. So they fought because my dad basically wouldn't let her go tonight alone and she wouldn't go tomorrow. My mom was just doing her job and doing it right away, and my dad was being lazy and wanted things his way. Ugh. God forbid I ever have to live like my parents. God forbid I marry someone who picks fights with me over absolutely nothing, who I have to leave my house to get away from his annoyingness. And God forbid I marry someone who devotes 98% of his energy to his work and the last 1.99% to the television and .01% to his family.

It's just so annoying because college was more relaxing. They stress me out and I don't even do anything, I am usually not even part of the fight except when my room isn't clean, because my dad blames my messy room for every fight they ever had. But guess what? It's clean now and they're still fighting. I said this to my mom the other day when she came home yelling at me because my dad was upset at my room. I said "MOM YOU KNOW THAT MY STUPID F*ING ROOM ISN"T THE PROBLEM! IT NEVER HAS BEEN FOR 18 F*ING YEARS AND YOU KNOW IT. DAD WOULD FIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE IF IT WAS JUST CLEAN" and you know what she said? She said well clean it and we'll see. There they go out the front door, fighting and slamming it behind them. Don't let the door kick your ass on the way out.

So needless to say I'm having a shitty night and I didn't even do anything except go food shopping again, buy a J14 and a Surfer magazine, eat pizza at Gourmet and talk about Mickey (I didn't realize my mom knew nothing about him and I and our breakup), and deliver christmas gifts to the "needy" people who weren't so needy and weren't so thankful (my opinion is that if they were actually needy, they would actually be thankful. But my mom handed the one family $100 because they complained about the gifts ((which weren't worth $100)) anyway. I admire my mom's ability to love all people no matter how annoying and unthankful they are. Cuz I would have given them coal and burnt their house down.)

*sigh* I'm going upstairs to watch Lord of the Rings and wait for my parents to get home and fight again. Fun times. Somebody call my cell phone if you read tonight. I'm going to die of stress and stupidity.

*The Lesson Of The Day*

If you sit around for hours waiting for something, chances are you're going to be disappointed. It's like the prom.. it never lives up to expectations. I paced around getting the house ready for a dog today.. doing nothing else but... because I am done cleaning and currently have zero classes... and the guy called to say his daughter was too upset to give the dog away (OF COURSE YOUR FUCKING DUGHTERS GOING TO BE UPSET, YOURE TOO IRRESPONSIBLE TO KEEP HER DOG) and he doesn't feel like coming because we live too far away (approximately 2 1/2 minutes). Bull shit. I'm pissed off because the guy is a bad fucking dad and a bad fucking dog owner and because I sat around waiting to go pick up the dog and now I'm not getting it. He claims that Thursday he'll bring it but I'm thinking chances are that we're not getting a dog. And I'm in a bad mood and just want to go back to school and hold my Michael and go to sleep. I am so stupidly retarded and my family is a wreck this week, I don't even know what's going on. Ugh. I give up.

*If Only I Had The Guts To Feel This Way*

I wish it wasn't so snowy and frosty because I want to just get in my car and drive to Newburgh (with a quick little pit stop in Ardsley, lol). we're getting the dog today, my room is clean, i even ate breakfast when I woke upand looked over my french book to see what I'll need to look at for French 2 since I'm not taking it next semester. Oh man. I must be really bored. I'm gonna go rot my brain by the television. Whooo for cable TV.. it's really not that great to have back. Christmas is going to be lonely this year.. New Years eve lonelier. I don't know if I'm going to bring my laptop because Puerto Rico is famous for stealing everything. There are bars on every house except for where we're staying at La Serena. Oh dear.. I just don't know.

12.20.2004

*Home Home on the Boredom*

Aw man. I woke up and I think Shannon was here all morning awake and I was sleeping and now she's not here. *sigh*. I wish she had woken me.. or at least made loud noises until I woke up, cuz now I feel bad. I slept 12 hours again. I always do. I have no idea why or what's wrong with me. I wish I could blame it on mono again, because this is what happened when I had mono, except I also felt like I could keel over. And I do kinda feel like that, but it's not mono, it's missing you. :-* lol I'm a loser.

Michael has a whole new plan of attack for school and I'm happy that he's figuring things out (you really scared me sleeping through your meeting with itt). I'm glad that there are schools out there that youre NOT too smart for ;-) I'm just glad that he's not only looking in the area of Messiah College, because it really is the Boonies and school is an important thing that shouldn't be based on where your friends (and favorite girlfriend :-P) are living. And hey, if you go to school in Jersey, you'll be closer to my home I think. :-D

We're getting our dog tomorrow. I feel terrible, this like 8 year old girl is coming over with her dad to see where her dog is going to live now. What a terrible thing to do to a kid that age! Give away their puppy at only 8 months old! And then have her be there not only when the new family comes over to play with him but when he's being given away! I could never do that to my kids. This poor girl is going to start crying in my house and she's going to make me cry. But either way, Bear is coming to live with us tomorrow. Mum said that I have to start getting up earlier to take the dog out and train him and things and I think I'll be okay with that, as soon as I get my alarm clock back from whatever bag it's in. Speaking of, I plan on completely cleaning, organizing, and unpacking today. Mum said it will take me an hour but I expect it will take no shorter than cookie baking did last night, which was about 7 or 8 hours total. *sigh*

I'm supposed to be awake by the time mum comes home from work, that's the rule, and I am, so that's good. And we have cherry 7up and cherry coke for breakfast. delightful. Last night we had Joe & Johns and I had forgotten how wonderfully wonderful their pizza tastes. I grew up on that stuff. If it wasn't for Joe & Johns I would be a stunted five-one instead of five-four. lol. Aw man, tallness made me think about how much I miss Mike again. *sniffle*. It's not that I need him next to me all the time but I just miss his smile, it's goingto be hard not living a few steps away. Even when he moves back its going to be a few minute drive, or maybe more, or maybe he won't end up moving back. I don't know. Either way, I'm definitely going to have a car so I don't have to depend on him and Schuyler (ahhh on a motorcycle.. look out PA drivers) for rides back and forth. I mean, heaven knows if they move into an apartment together, I'm never going to leave, especially on the weekends. I just hope next year I live with Jenni & Alicia who will just be there with me, or someone who is nothing like Lydia and isn't going to go tell the RA that I never show up to my room until very very late slash early in the morning slash never. I don't think there's a rule against that though. I would imagine that would be a mean thing to do to a new roommate, make her deal with my rearded schedule. That's the beauty of living with my roomies now, they are the same way. Even Alicia has her late nights and her all day naps ;-) *sigh* I don't even want to think about it.

The good news: I got really good grades this semester despite my bitching about failing. I swear, it had nothing to do with that crap in high school when a 94 is "failing". I really did flunk bible, I withdrew when I was passing by about 3 or 4 points. SO i figured since I put about equal amounts of work into the other classes, I'd get about the same grades. But lookie here : Comm - B+; French - B-; FYS - B; Music - A. I need to register for a few more classes for next semester, but I know I'm going to do even better then because the classes are actually really interesting and cool. I had plenty of study time last semester despite all the friend-time.. I mean, I'm sure my roommates managed four point oh's anyway, so I can do well too if I just don't waste my time the way I have been. I think maybe not having Mike two steps away will help that a little, although I don't like it, because I can't really just be waiting around for him (and I don't want to be). So I'll study (yea right, did you see my grades from slacking off? I'm never doing work again).

Still, I don't know my GPA. The GPA calculator on the website said it should be a 3.25. If that is so, I am getting a car, not getting a job this JTerm, and I'm not going to have to scrape up an extra nine thou from my Laura's Fudge job this summer. However, that is only six tenths of a point away from me losing my scholarship. If I get a 3.19, I'm on scholarship/academic probation and I have to bring it up next semester to keep my nine thou. Bla Blah Blah. I'm not even worrying about it.

So I still miss Mike and no I will not get over it until I return from PR and he comes over. Whooo :-D Shannon tested out the guest room and I think it was peachy keen though I didn't even talk to her this morning cuz I'm a bad host/friend/person. *sigh* I'll be happy in the 80 degrees (the windchill is 78 degrees lower here in NJ) and I'll get to take lots of pictures and maybe even do something productive like read a book. Okay well I need to clean before mum gets home cuz she's going to go bipolar on me again if I don't organize. Don't worry, it will be perfect by tonight.

12.19.2004

*I Did Nothing.. and it was everything I ever dreamed it could be.*

So I'm watching Office Space and Shannon is coming over. Life is good. I finished wrapping gifts and they look lovely under the tree. I dunno who left that comment on my last page, but someone forgot to read what I wrote, which is that I do enjoy wrapping them (besides the fact that there will be no small children unwrapping gifts around me seeing as how my whole family is over 15 and most the gifts were from my grandma). But it was a nice notion. I do miss Michael a lot. But oh dear.. 20 seems so old. Maybe I'm just too... I dunno... narrow-minded or something. My parents are at the Library III and i'm tres jealous. I hope they bring me home something because, oh man, that is the best place ever. Perfect for a romantic (yet expensive) date ;-)

12.18.2004

*Wrap Your Own Damn Presents Santa*

Geez, I'm such a complainer. I actually like wrapping Christmas gifts its just.. it's hard to get into the holiday mood without my dog around. We went and looked at the lab at 6. He's adorable and will probably be mine before we even go to Puerto Rico if Shannon will watch him. His name is "bear" and my dad made the suggestion that we name the retreiver "Teddy". My mom said it was stupid, but I like it. And they're going to let me name it anyway. We probably won't get teddy until spring though, in May. I wish we could get him now because I'll have more time to spend with the both of them when I'm not working (or at least, for this break, just being secretary for my dad at home). I like Bear but he's no replacement. I don't even think he likes to swim :-(

But.. whatever. I wish Michael was here or Shannon would call or Johnny D or really just anyone. I'm bored and I'm only going to be home for.. 10 more days, including today. *sigh*. I don't feel very well, and there's no soda. I would go to wawa but I'm cold and lazy.. but man do I love Wawa anyway. :-)

I'm gonna stop being pathetic now and wrap more gifts and watch more disney channel... I'm such a loser...

*Lonely*

I am the only loser that spends my breaks typing on my blog just as much as I do at home. Maybe I just like it. Maybe I'm just bored.

Either way, we're probably getting a dog today. It will be nice, but it will be sad to have a new one so soon. It's not a replacement :-( We were gonna get two new dogs anyway. This one is a one year purebred yellow lab and he needs a good home. I will be happy to get to be the one spending time with him instead of my mom.

Okay well. Nothing to do but I'm leaving anyway so no one knows that I'm such a lonely loser at home. :-\

*Totally Irrelevant and Useless Sidenote*

I am so happy that this keyboard has a number pad. :-D Oh, and one of the girlies from my church had these two on her profile/away msg and i like it. :-D :

This happens to me a lot ..
"The best thing about dreams is that one fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment, you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened."

I dunno if she wrote this or if it's a song but I like it and its so true. : Somehow I always seem to do The very thing I hateAnd I can't find the strength to changeFeels like I'm getting in your wayAnd now I'm living with the painOf knowing that I let you downLord you've seen my darkest hourStill you know my hearts desireAnd I ..I don't want to fall short of All you've made me to be...

*Too Much Thinking Leads to...*

So, tonight I'm bored. It only took half a day of being home to be bored. Yesterday I drove home, got stuck in Philly for about an hour behind the most annoying Dodge truck imaginable. It was tailgating a Taskycake truck as close as I've ever seen someone tailgate, which was causing his damn brake lights to go on and off about 40000 times in the process of getting off the schykill(?) expressway. It was so annoying and i have that feeling like my eyes are bruised from blinking every time the guy hit his breaks. aww.. man. The tastycake truck didn't help either cuz I was hungry.. hehe.

Today mum woke me early.. ok so it was late. She called my cell phone which made my bed vibrate and I picked up and she said that I needed to do some laundry for her and the go shopping with her at Kohls because there's a big sale but she didn't know her party's tonight so she needs help. I love my mom so I did as she asked and when I got back from shopping I made a list and went to Shop Rite.

At Shop Rite I discovered that being in the Messiah bubble has made me ignorant to the rest of the world. I found myself completely annoyed and aggrivated to find people all around me, yelling at the top of their lungs and saying rude things to me as I smiled and tried to politely make my way quickly through so I could get out of there. At one point, while I was trying to find the almond extract, a guy started talking to me about how dangerous it was that I had my purse in my cart, and when I avoided him to get to the next aisle, I almost left the cart there and went the hell home. So the rest of the time I spent trying to find a balance between rudely grabbing my purse every time someone went by me and politely removing it and faking like I was looking for my shopping list (and also trying to look like I Was getting a shopping list and not stealing something from the store). I ended up only getting enough ingredients for one of the type of cookies in a book that is supposed to make 400 different kinds, so I was semi-disappointed. I ended up making some good butter cookies though, from my own recipe of improvisation, and then some choc. chip-type somethings from the book (which make great ice cream sandwiches :-) So I was happy, especially because Michael called me while the butter cookies were chilling and I got to hear his voice. *HAPPY SIGH*

So, I think I'm really pretty racist, although I don't know because I think I was equally annoyed with the white people. But I think Mike is right, stereotypes are there for a reason. I mean, everyone there was rude and did not respect my personal space or my right to be in a public place without anyone talking to me. I wasn't annoyed with people because they were black, I was annoyed that they were loud, didn't control their kids from taking things out of my cart, talked to me like I was inferior, and pushed me out of the way without a single "excuse me" or "i'm sorry". I know I'm pulling teeth here, but I really think that I deserve respect, and I would be annoyed with white people just as much if they were doing the same-- but there weren't any white people in the whole store, at least none that I saw. Just because I'm young and a girl and white doesn't mean that I deserve that crap-- it's my grocery store too. :-P But I'm just overprotected. I don't know what's better-- to keep yourself surrounded by the fake prettiness or to learn how to deal with the unprettiness. Right now, I definitely am a small town girl living in a pretty big city kinda place. But honestly, I'm still polite and friendly, I just get steamed and implode when things like this happen. It made me so anxious, I was having a panid attack in the freakin Shop Rite.

But anyway, I love my parents but Ireally just wish I was at school with everyone. I know that I always say that but it's just because it's true. I want to hang out at school where instead of having everythin at your fingertips, you have to improvise and entertain yourselves.. where there's someone to talk to every night, and someone always sleeping in my dorm room. I don't know. *sigh*

My family thinks I'm nuts for this whole boyfriend thing. I just read Ben's blog for the first time in a while and he talked about how fun our gift-giving party was the other night. He talked about both my roommates and not me. And you know what? That really hit me. We're not even friends. You know, when we were going out, I guess I was into it in the beginning. I was interested in what he had to say, and I wanted to learn more. I was all for the "christian relationship" plan and all for Ben's idea of just falling into it without a second thought and if you get hurt- oh well- because you lived. But you know what? It was bull shit. The Christian relationship thing, the Josh Harris planned, giving-your-roommates-a-list-of-things-you-can-and-cannot-do-in-your-relationship plan may be good for some people but for me its bull shit. The way I go about my relationships is my own business and God's and sometimes the other persons. The end. And trying to put restrictions on everything.. it just made me want to restrict the whole damn thing. And the whole "falling in love" thing was bull shit too. Ben had no right bringing that word into our relationship. I'm sorry but I am sort of upset that it was said because it completely messed me up about what the hell that means. Because fuck it ben, there was no love. He just got way too intense way too fast and scared me away. And the way he continues to over think the relationship/love issue and still falls for every attractive girl he sees... well, I think that's bull shit too. But that's his business and God's and certainly not mine.

Sorry, didn't mean to get upset there but I guess I'm just sick of the fakeness and the overthinking. Things are what they are. And you can't live dwelling on things in the past any more than you can live dwelling on things in the future.

On that note, after having dwelt on things in the past, I'm worried about getting grades on Monday. I told my mum that I may have in the 2's and she was appalled. I asked if she was going to punish me and she said that I'm 18 and she can't punish me anymore. That made me happy, however, there are punishments anyway, and I'm sure my dad will try them. Such as not getting a dog right away because we have to pay my damn tuition times two when i lose my scholarships, and not getting a car because I can't afford insurance for the same reason. Oh yea, my dad said they're going to get me a car when he makes 40 thou in Janurary. I hope he's not lying, because that is my favorite words thus far to come out of my dad's mouth.

We're getting a dog tomorrow, most likely. It's not a golden retreiver, to my disappointment, but it is a sweet yellow lab that needs a better home. He's already a year old and trained so that's nice. Plus my mum said that maybe in January we'll get a puppy so I can train it. The dog we're getting tomorrow is named "Bear". I don't particularly care for it. But then again, I didn't like the name "Euchre" much either, but he grew on me.

Today was especially hard without my puppy. I unloaded my car and thought about him when I propped the door open (it's not like the dog will run out the door) and when I was unloading my car (no puppy sitting in the window watching me). Also when I was baking and dropped chocolate on the floor, and when I bought cheddar cheese at shop rite (Euch's favorite). Even when I looked in the fridge and saw the Omaha steaks.. I thought about the Counting Crows and Michael, and then how I fed Euchre from the table the last day I saw him. I'm glad I ignored the table rules, because it's the last good steak my doggie ever ate.

Anyway.. *sigh*. All the stresses of home. Mum says I need to study harder at school. No kidding. I wish I knew how. She asked if I had gone to the counselors like I said I was going to and I told her no. I wanted her to talk to me about it but she didn't. I guess all that shopping tired her momness out.

I got a new AOL screen name for the next two months of AOL. it's surfnsparkle with my lucky number at the end (the last two numbers of your license plate, michael). I would just typ eit but I feel my life needs a little stalkerproofing.

I was sad that Shannon n her crew n I didn't end up going to see the movie. I think that would be a good way to do something with Dani but not have to talk to her. She just makes me nervous now, and makes me feel bad for not knowing her at all. But I guess it's all fine. Just awkward. I don't know how shannon still gets along with her, but I suppose if I never stopped, then I would be too. Well.. duh. yeah.

I was sitting on my couch watching Boy Meets World and I looked over to the side of the couch and thought that it would be really nice if Mike's smiling face was sitting right there next to me, outlined by the fire's crackling and the stockings hung by the chimney with care. :-) I do miss him, but I'm so glad that we're still together that I'm just on a happy high because of that still. Oh, that sentence was so in passive voice. and I don't even care.

So, I'm a good cook. That makes me happy because I was beginning to think I wasn't good at anything. I was thinking of also making a quilt while I was home out of my favorite fabrics from Jo-Anns. If all I want to be is a mom, I should at least know how to do mom things. hehe no, I was thinking that I do want a career. I just don't know what it is yet, but I'll figure it out. I'm sure. :-D

Well, Da put in a HUGE spiral-y bagillion-watt light bulb in this little lamp and I don't want it to explode so I'm gonna get outta here and go lay under my featherbed comforter (DUDE my bed is 40000 times more comfy and warm now :-D). I would say I'll read but that would be a big, fat lie now wouldn't it? ;-)

Woah. Today (yesterday) was Greg's birthday and I didn't think once about it until just now. That makes me happy.

Happy birthday Lauren :-D