* s t a r d u s t a g a i n s t a p a l e s k y *

A falling star is a phenomenon to an adult and magic- a miracle- to a child. Who's right? Things are what you define them. So who am I? I guess it's up to you...

1.31.2005

*It's Keeping Me Awake*

things
time started: nine twenty-eight
name: sarah
nickname(s): sarey
birthday: september second nineteen eighty six
where were you born: somers point new jersey
zodiac sign: virgo
height: five four
weight: one ten
hair color: brown
eye color: hazel
shoe size: seven
ring size: dunno
skin type (freckles, tan, albino, etc.): freckles, pale
blood type: don’t know
grade: freshman in college
GPA: three point two five
siblings: none
tattoos: zero
piercings: six
hobbies: sleeping, writing, missing mike

favorite
color: orange
food: pizza hut breadsticks, strawberries
candy: hmm.. snickers
type of cheese: american, cheddar
pizza topping: cooked with cheese, then removed
salad dressing: none
sandwich: cheesesteak
cereal: honey nut cheerios
fruit: strawberries
vegetable: none
berry: strawberry
cake: vanilla/white with chocolate icing
book: undercurrents, good in bed, you don’t know me
movie: ten things, the recruit
magazine: surfing, M
newspaper: atlantic city press/the current
tv show: summerland
website: www.m1xe.com
radio station: ninety five point one wayv
font: trebuchet ms eight
cartoon character: hmm.. I don’t know
artist (painter): georgia o’keefe
actor: jesse, colin, matt
actress: julia stiles, sandra bullock, kirsten dunst
cd: jesse, dizzy up, august
song (of the moment): you make me wanna LALA
music group: dreamstreet. Nuff said
music type: rockish
day of the week: fridays
month: october (16th 2004)
season: summer
holiday: anything but valentines day :-P
shampoo: so sexy (WAHHH)
conditioner: so sexy (WAHHHH)
number: seventy seven
phrase: keep those quarters handy
store: victoria’s secret
weather: warm
restaurant: pizza hut
tv channel: WB17
weekend activity: sleeping, mike
hangout: dorm room
house color: I like wooden siding/ log cabins I think.
sport to watch: none, really
sport to play: surfing
animal: golden retriever puppies
flower: I like them all
guy's name: Michael. Jacob. Trevor.
girl's name: Sadie. Kathryn (Kat or Ryn, never Katie)
board game: life
party game: spin the bottle. haha
story from childhood: one time, at band camp…
body part: .arms

have you ever
been on a train: last weekend
been on a plane: last month
been in a car accident: yes
caused a car accident: no
run into a wall: yes
burned a potato chip: no
almost burned the house down: not.. really :-smoked: no
been drunk: no
been high: no
broken the law: yes
burned a cd (if yes, the one above is yes): yes
kissed someone of the opposite sex: yes
kissed someone of the same sex: my mommy
frenched an animal: WHAT
made out: yes
had cyber sex: yes
gotten engaged: no
had an online relationship: yes
been rejected by a crush: yes
loved: yes
made yourself cry to get out of trouble: yes
cried in public: yes
cried over a movie: yes
fallen asleep in a movie theater: yes
given someone a bath: no (damn)
been to a boarding school: no
been home-schooled: no
lost a valuable item: yes
bungee jumped: no
skied: yes
met the president: no
met a celebrity: yes
gotten a cavity: yes
shopped at abercrombie & fitch: yes
made a prank call: no
skipped school: yes
faked sick to get out of school: yes
purchased something that you knew didn't fit: yes
climbed a tree: yes
fallen from a tree: no
broken a bone: yes
sprained anything: yes
passed out: yes
made yourself pass out: no
been to disney world: yes
been to a theme park (not disney): yes
said i love you and meant it (not to a reative): yes
made a model volcano (working model): no
made a clover leaf with your tounge: no

past
what did you do yesterday: drove to messiah. Unpacked. Cried. Watched recruit. Hugged Mike’s pillow. Went to bed early.
memory you miss the most: mike being at messiah
memory you want to forget: from april 1st 2002 to may 16th 2004
something you regretted after it was done: everything

the last
song you heard: Anna Begins
cd you bought: Metallica or.. Jessica Simpson. hehe
thing you said: uh-oh it’s colin, you’re in trouble
time you cried: I’d say ten oh two pm today.
movie seen in a theater: meet the fockers unless you count history class in the theater
thing you ate: conversation hearts
person who called: mom
nail polish shade worn: pink
time you showered: before class, after class, and after dinner
person who complimented you: no one

at this moment
what are you listening to: my fingers typing
what are you wearing: jeans, black turtleneck, cherry underwear, heart toe socks.
what are you thinking: I wish I could see him right now
what are you scared of most: losing mike
how many people are on your buddy list: too many

future
occupation: student forever.. counselor or.. something.
marriage site: disney world. No, outside somewhere. Slash the united methodist church at absecon.
honeymoon: disney world. Slash carribean something.
place to live: anywhere on the coast from Virginia north to New York
kids: two boys and a girl. Or just two boys. Or just one, depending on how much I remember the pain
car: VW/Toyota
what are you doing tomorrow: going to class
will there be a wwIII: I don’t know.
will politics ever be truthful: sometimes they are
will humanity snuff itself out: snuff?
can the government be changed: probly

friends
best friends: shannon jenni ali mike
funniest: jenni
silliest: mike
loudest: jenni
quietest: shannon
craziest: jenni & mike
calmest: alicia
skinniest: mike / jenni
best secret keeper: mike
worst secret keeper:
the one you have but don't want: do you remember michelle? HAHA I’m going to put that in my profile!
smartest: alicia
preppiest: shannon..?
peppiest: jenni
most hyper: jenni
hottest: mike
weirdest: mike
biggest pervert: schuyler / mike
most annyoing: :-X
shyest: shannon
most religious: alicia

crush
who and when was your first crush: james sopoch (oh how I longed for him atop the hamburgers)
any now: mikey
a celebrity crush: jesse a mccartney
who do you want to be with right now: MIIIIIIIIIKE WAHHHHHHH
whos number do you want: justins
who do you want to kiss: miiiiike :’(
what is something you dont understand about the opposite sex: why don’t they all live in my roooom!
if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be: miiiiike
on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you: zero
first thing notice about the opposite sex: hands. I hate weird looking hands AHHHHHH
what do you look for personality-wise: someone I can relate to and be open with.
biggest turn on: compliments :-biggest turn off: smoking
something they wear that turns you on:
something they wear that turns you off: clothes. Lol.
the most romantic thing you want to happen to you: I want to trust someone completely.
the most romantic thing that has happened to you: meeting mike in the rain / shooting stars / total eclipse / etc.
what do you wear on a coffee date: pumpkin pie.
is it right to flirt if you're taken: yes. Absolutely. It makes perfect sense.
is cyber cheating: its desperate.
are eyes the passegeway to the soul: sure
who would you like to take to the prom: johnny d
do you want to hug somebody right now: YESSSSSSSSS

one or the other
coke/pepsi: pepsi
sprite/7-up: sprite
boxers/briefs: boxers
gold/silver: silver
vanilla/chocolate: nilla
flowers/candy: flowers
book/magazine: book
tv/radio: tv
glass half empty/half full: half empty
democrat/republican: demo
colored pencils/markers: markers
coffee/tea: tea
sun/moon: moon
day/night: night
hot/cold: hot
dog/cat: puppy/kitten
button/zipper: button
cotton/feather pillow: feather
blue/purple: blue
plumber/trashman: trashman
jeans/shorts: jeans
long distance relationship/none: :’(
mechanical/regular pencil: mechanical
matt/ben: matt
that 70's show/simpsons: that 70's show
kelso/eric: eric
donna/jackie: jackie
bart/lisa: bart
romeo/juliet: romeo
romantic comedy/thriller: both
nsync/bsb: bsb
peanut butter/jelly: peanut butter
waffles/pancakes: ooo.. hard choice
letter/email: letter
florida/california: california
pizza/burgers: pizza
hat/visor: visor
football/rugby: football
iceskating/blading: iceskating
movie at home/in theater: home

first thing you think of when you hear
yellow: orange
red lipstick: old lady
socks: michael
cowtipping: pennsylvanian hicks
moulin rouge: Nenni
greenland: nick jacobs
iceland: library project
harry potter: mom
red: valentines day
blackberry: exodus
rose: shannon
rooster: rockadoodle (YEAH!)
taxes: money baack :-D
bill clinton: all men are the same..
whipped cream: hehe
george w. bush: didn’t vote for him
lollipops: michael
dreams: michael
love: michael
guys: michael
south park: mickey
boy bands: joey
pengiuns: michael
girls: giggling enough to make me drop out
thong: drew carey
death: santa
spoons: when all you need is a knife
junk mail: popups
dairy: mart
panties: victoria's secret
your father: ‘s so fat he wouldn’t fit in north dakota.
pizza: hut
britney spears: !*****STOP*****!
vitamin: C

miscellanoues
what color is your jacket: white and pink
do you shave: yes
what color is your razor: pink
what size is your bed: twin
what color crayon would you be: mac and cheese
what are the last four digits of your phone number: five one seven two
feelings on abortion: abstinence, you moron.
how long does it take you to shower: half hour
what does your screenname mean: greg raposo lyrics.. and the fact that no one notices me
thoughts on blonde pop stars in general: who cares?
who do you trust the most: Nannon
is cussing a necessity in life: no
how about coffee: no
is the world screwed: screwing maybe
what something you cant live without: mike sikora. lol
know what 69 means: (shannon : weston's locker number in eighth grade? ) you’re my hero, Shannon
how about 143: If I blink 143 times too fast I hurt my eyes…
can you live without a microwave: why not
what do you think about death: its scares me
where and when do you want to be married: Now in newburgh
do you want to drop out of school: yes
why is the sky blue: cuz the atmosphere is a bubble around messiah college.
what is a good trait about yourself: my hair is nice today.
what do you always think about: michael
what is wrong with your school: there’s class
how do you react to change: poorly
do you talk to yourself: no
what is your opinion on love: amazing
can you afford to lose weight: yes
what color would you dye your hair: reddish blondish brown
best thing anyones told you: I love you
what is your reaction to someone telling you you're hot: you’re a liar. But a nice one.
does being psycho appeal to you: YES. absolutely
if you wrote a book, what would it be about: myself cuz that’s all I know
what would you change your name to: Sadie/Kat/Ryn
longest crush lasted how long: mike sikora. Forever.
time finished: ten thirty three

*It Comes In Waves*

.. day by day i get by.. i do the best i can.. when the sun slowly sets just behind our hill.. then the memories come in the evening chill.. how i long for your touch.. like a lover will.. oh i'm missing you. God, I'm missing you ..

.. I feel really alone. I guess.. I don't know. Sometimes I'm okay and sometimes I'm a wreck. He's just not here..

.. I'm crying now and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to feel on a day when I don't even get to say hi to him. I guess, you know, with other guys.. it was just.. like that. Yeah. I don't want to write about it because I know Mike will feel bad and that is unintentioned ..

.. I don't know. I'm going to spend a lot of time alone.. going for walks in the moonlight and just sitting around under the big tree by the creek and just.. being alone ..

.. I'm never going to make it through college with my stubbornness about classes. I don't want to take a gym because i dont want to be all alone in a gym class. i dropped one of my classes today because #1 its too long (they are using 1 hour EXTRA a week and not giving credit for it, not cool) and #2 because all the girls know each other. And they GIGGLE. Ugh.

.. I don't want to take a MWF class because that means giving up my free Fridays and I don't want a morning class ever .. I mean, I just don't know. My parents aren't going to let me only take 12 cred again. Which is ridiculous because i came into school with those 6 or 9 or... yeah. suckiness. hahaha.

.. I am completely dying.. no soda today = migrane tonight and tomorrow and probably the next day. And this complete loneliness is consuming me. But I mean.. I don't even think about other guys anymore, you know? It's gotten to that point, I guess.. that I can still joke about it but I don't even really think about it ever. In fact, in one of my classes today we had to introduce ourselves by what was in our wallet, and I made it a point to say "these are my phone cards, my boyfriend lives in new york".. just in case.

.. My hair looked exceptionally different, in a good way, i think, today. I have to work with it a little more now that it's getting pretty long. Still, Daniel's hair is much longer than mine now. I'm jealous!

.. I know I already .. totally lost my train of thought ..

.. When am I going to see you again??

.. SIIIGHHHHHHHH. I'm just going to sleep. No point.

.. Or maybe ill just go take another shower (numero trois of the day)... but nah because im too lazy.

.. why cant i just not be like this. *SIGHHHHH*

*Say It Ain't So... I Will Not Go Turn The Lights Off, Carry Me Home*

I just had a flashback to a dream I had about going to Jesse's house.

Well, nevermind.

I got confectionary sugar up my nose and now I feel like sneezing all the time.

Man, I really don't want to go to class.

I haven't had to study since December and these are my last few hours without homework until MAY. Awww man. And then 3 more years of this. I'm so.. a freshman.

I wish I wasn't so young. Cuz I was thinking how Justin Timberlake really isn't that much older than me, thinking I'm 20 and.. wow, it's ironic that "What's My Age Again?" just came on. Cuz I was right about Justins but not mine. But hey, I'd date him either way. I mean.. I have a boyfriend. :-\ hehe.

I don't know where all these sniffles just came from. Mike did you get me sick? NO because you're not HERE.

My lips are gettin kinda lonely. I may have to find an interim boyfriend to kiss goodnight until you come HOME.

hehe. you know the board you wrote "teehee" on? it now says "teehee toohoo taahaa tuuhuu tiihii tyyhyy and MWAHAHAHAHAA"

Why don't I just write you emails?

Oh dear. My printer doesn't work.. nor does my mouse or my floppy drive. i think my USB ports are broken. I hate computer stuff.

Mike we fit wonderfully :-D

*I Feel Siiiick*

.. I can't go to school today, Mommy.

*sigh* I'm not really complaining, I can't really, because everyone else had to get up and go to class at 9 and I don't have class until almost one. But it is going to get kinda boring, and the popups on my computer are out of control.

I'm really really glad I'm at Christian school.. as much as I sometimes despise things like chapel probation and overdue library books (which I mean.. isn't that a good thing? I would think so.. but whatever)

Mornings aren't as bad as nights. Because usually I wouldn't see Mike until dinnertime. I'd say "everyones going to lottie at 6, want me to wait for you?" and then there he'd appear outside of Miller 3rd a few short minutes later and we'd spend time from usually 630ish until well into the morning.. sometimes bordering on 16 hours. hehe. But yea, so waking up this morning, it isn't so bad. I mean, even if he was here he wouldn't have gotten in last night until after I was asleep probably... ummm, and I would've stayed up though. But then I wouldn't feel so wonderful about getting up early and having all this time to.. do nothing.

.. Okay, so it's pretty bad simply because he's not screwing up my sleep schedule (or rather, he's not here so I can't screw up his) and so I sleep a lot and.. thats another sign of depression! Damn.. I thought I was depressed before.. now he's not here. Damn. I'm totally depressed. I mean, not like I'm sad all the time every second. It's more like.. an undertone or worrying and not being happy about things i should be happy about. Like still not having class for 2 more hours. Or chocolate covered strawberries. Well, I guess if I did have those, I'd be happy. LoL.

*I like the way you smile at me.. and make
me feel like nothing can go wrong... I don't wanna be without you dream
without
you walk without you talk without you.. baby.. never take a chance
without you,
dance without you.. nothing is the same without you, baby... i
could never be
without you here without you.. begin without you end without
you.. baby I'm in
need.. I can't breathe... No, I don't wanna be without
you....

.. I love when your eyes wash
over me with
a look onlky I can tell what's on your mind.. I love the way
that you find me
whenever I've lost my way, you're just in
time...

... I'll lock up my heart and
throw away
the key if thats what it takes to keep you loving me... you open
a door to all
thats good in me.. I can't deny the true that I don't want to
be without
you...*

Okay, I know Jesse McCartney doesn't alwaysd say everything right. I mean, the lyrics, especially in Dream Street (and worse in the SBs!!!) tend to be.. actually pretty horrible (I say yeah if you say alright.. i mean, what does that mean?) but i dont really care because I'm grasping at strings.

Well, the popups ar edriving me crazy cuz i have to kill em to keep typing so i'm gonna go take a shower. Oh, sweet wonderfulness of a good night's sleep (before the storm).

p.s. Happy Birthday Justin Timberlake!

1.30.2005

*Every Day Is A Lesson*

So theres two things I learned since I've been back from the movie.

1. When you come to college you get addicted to drinking. Is it like.. an oral fixation that happens in the late teens/early adulthood? I'm not sure, but my parents should be happy I'm addicted to drinking cherry coke.

2. Popups are the most annoying thing on EARTH

So I think I'm going to be okay. I mean, of course I'm going to be sad and lonely right away, right? I mean, Mike wasn't here when I got out of the car. He wasn't there to mail his shoes to colin, to eat grilled cheese at lottie.. he wasn't there to kiss me on the elevator or play with my belly ring or distract me from the movie. he wasnt there to kiss me goodnight. he wasnt there to sit close to on the couch instead of sitting in an individual chair. he wasnt there to laugh with schuyler and i, or to see the scene I had told him I liked in the Recruit. He wasn't there to run to the CStore with me.. or to hug Daniel and play with his new long hair with me. He wasn't there when I accidentally walked in on someone in our lounge, or to be grossed out by the Ring girl who lives across the hall. He wasn't visiting during visiting hours.. and he wasn't sleeping with Pete. He wasn't playing foosball with us or taking the cheese off his pizza. He didn't come to Wal-mart. He's not going to kiss me on the cheek to wake me up in the morning. He just isn't here. What reason do I have to not be lonely?

But I'm going to be okay. I love these people. And if I didn't worry about him and us so darn much, I could really truly appreciate how much I love these people. I know it will be a good thing if our relationship lasts through it. It will be. It's a test. It's just that it's a test that I didn't sign up for, and I haven't studied at all. I come totally unprepared for a challenge like this. I want to pass it. But I also want to cheat (hehe.. hmm.. I don't mean cheat like that). I want to visit him all the time. I still want to hold him. And I guess once things settle down, classes start and I start getting my beloved fridays off.. at least until he starts school again, I think it'll be okay. I can get a cab to a train to Justins or to Newburgh and.. be there, with him. It's not so bad. It's just that I really feel like I belong in his arms. We fit. :-)

I know I totally fall into this trap with every boy. I wish I could say "this ones different". But I guess I can't. I mean, it is but it isn't. All I CAN say is "this one's worth it". I care enough about him to spend the night cuddling with the pillow off his bed instead of him and thinking about how everythings going to be okay. And it is. 'Cuz I'm not ready to give up quite yet. :-*

'night all. Class tomorrow at 1240 till 3 something... history and adventure ed. :-D <-- i think i can smile now cuz I feel better. thanks mike. for being awesomely perfect for this. g'night.
I have this feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach...

... I think it's going to stick around ...

.. I didn't think it'd be this hard ..

.. I see why people fall apart in long distance relationships ..

.. God, I miss you tonight.




How Good are you at Certain Things?
Name
Age
Favorite Color
Nickname
Sex - 33%
Romance - 97%
Self - Control - 12%
Kissing - 14%
Cuddling - 62%
Kinkiness - 46%
This QuickKwiz by KillianO - Taken 512772 Times.
New! Get Free Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz

*No Worries*

ooouogoidjgoidifugdr8u9tud

I am definitely going to fall apart quickly. I am already currently unraveling.

Two people asked me who is the next person I am going to date. It really... hm. Yeah.

How do I breathe without you?

*Llama Llama Duck*

It's nice to be back..

.. but theres a big empty hole ..

.. where you used to be.

I'm sorry if blogging tends to get depressing.. i mean, reading mine. It's just.. I don't know. I'm not that sad. I just really miss Mike and.. now that I'm back at school, it's real, you know? Like before it was just like.. a break. A really long Christmas Break until today, Jan 30th. I even saw him quite a bit in between there, you know? But now I'm back at school and.. he's not. He's gone. He doesn't live on our brother floor, Miller 3rd. Not even in South Complex. He doesn't live in Mechanicsburg or Harrisburg. He lives in a Burg far, far away. And I haven't the wheels or time.

On a lighter note, in discussing my car problem with my mom.. she suggested the possibility of my benefitting off of my Dad's car-greedyness (Shannon you know all about that). If my dad makes as much as he claims he has been, then fairly soon (esp. if he gets this like $33 Million deal which he keeps talking about) he'll be buying himself a brand-spanking-new car for himself instead of thinking of the rest of his family first.. He always does that, then gives my mum whatevers left. The problem being that this means there is zero chance of us being able to afford a car for me, even if I start working two or three jobs like last summer. Soooo.. actually, this would be good! Why, you ask? Well, while I'd feel horribly bad for it, I'd get the Toyota! My mum likes the van, or claims to because my dad has currently stuck her with the oldest crappiest car again. But I can't drive the van. I mean I can but it's in bad shape and we don't usually take it on long trips unless we're all going, like Maine. Soooo.. wouldn't that be wonderful? I'd be the happiest person on earth to have my Toyota all to myself. And they'd have to sell it to me and have my name on it in order to get a loan to finish the car payments.. about $7000, which I could pay. Plus it has to be a 5 year old car or younger and the Rav4 is a 2001.

1.29.2005

*Library Doesn't Equal Books!*

I am about to go eat the best steak in the world.

Times two.

Mike I am taking you there the next time you are in south jersey, my treat as long as you don't break up with me before or the day after like last time :-P hehe. Its wayy too expensive but its the best food you'll ever eat :-* I miss youuuuu.

*My January Friend*

Dizzy Up the Girl rocks my socks.

It's really funny how weird I am. Seriously. I have the weirdest .. I don't know. I'm odd. I was going through pictures to put on the mission trip CDs for everyone on the team (I will post some more as soon as I get back to school because.. wow.. some of them are just AWESOME!) Anyway first of all I'm totally moody.. and I'm never as angry and bitchy as I always am on my blog. In fact, I'm always pretty even tempered with exception of the other night in Hess computer lab when my computer wouldn't work and my mother was driving me nuts and I kicked a chair. It didn't go far, I swear. I hope it didn't freak Mike out :-\ hehe.

No but actually what I'm talking (i just went completely off topic, which is another reason i'm totally not normal) about is the picture thing.. in my quest for Puerto Rico Pictures I discovered a picture I saved a while ago of Mike's Pittsburg car meet where the Honda boys got together and went to Hooters and ended up getting the girls to pose with the cars (I have entitled the picture "where's the car?" because you can't actually see cars in any pictures). But anyway, in discovering this picture I felt like I should get jealous or something. "Ew how could he be like that?" But it actually is such a relief that he's totally a normal guy. I'm not saying that I'd have agreed with his lovely decision to get in the picture with his own car (like the car even mattered) but it really makes me happy to be dating someone who isn't totally stuck on being perfect .. not that he isn't.. well, he is for me.

Probably no one knows what I'm talking about but I do so I guess it doesn't really matter. I like that Mike is normal and there is no pressure to be totally not myself.. like take down my gazillions of Jesse posters in my dorm room. It makes me happy. Besides, those hooters girls were kinda gross. Yulqk.

Reading my lovely writing all last night from my entire life also made me realize how totally ridiculous it is to be like "I love you forever and ever and ever and I'll never leave you and my soul will go on to perform musical numbers in your heart long after I no longer exist". It's funny, and I don't remember when I got off that kick, but it makes me really happy.

I haven't made much sense today. In fact, something must be a little off because I couldn't sing at all last night.. like on key, I mean. It was really weird because even if i can't sing well, I have always been able to hit notes, match melodies, and make up harmonies and things of that nature without even thinking about it and last night I was just like.. what's going on? So who knows. I need to get back in the swing of school (pray pray pray that I actually study this semester because I need need need to get well above a 3.2).

P.s. Mike next time we're together I'm bringing my camera and 400 extra disks and taking a million pictures of you because I miss you too much and I'm going to miss you even more at school and I need to do something about that. Plus, you're hot. :-\

1.28.2005

*Nostalgia Part One*

I have to post some of this old stuff.. some of it cracks me up, and some impresses me a bit more than I expected :-) I'll start with my favorite... and I think I'll seperate them so that in case it doesn't publish right I don't lose 400 page of type. I'm sure I'm the only one who cares enough to read this.. but its cool to me :-D

Yo Shannon! I just got another awesome, totally cool totally phat idea!! (I've got it goin 2nite! LoL.) I think like sometime, you, me, Weston, and Mike should go to the BW and like... okay... say like we walk by one of those arcades or something and I do "like ohmigawd let's get our pictures taken!" And then like after the 1st or 2nd picture we just like y'know.. start making out! (not you and me.. you and Weston and me and Mike) then you ask Weston out and not only will he say yes, you'll have some pretty cool pictures (hey I get coubles, kay!) and like.. yay we'll all be happy (not to mention we'll have all squished into that tiny little booth.)
Wow am I brilliant or what !!
~Sarah~ Luv Ya (And Mike)


haha.. you gotta love that. I had such an ego problem.. not to mention I really thought that things would ever happen like that! I watch too many movies. And I hope I never use the phrase "ohmigawd" again. hehehe.


*huh?*

i have zero explaination for why that post didn't publish. It was a lot and it was sad and.. whatever. I've bitched enough today already. I'm going upstairs before I IM my ex-boyfriend since I tend to when things get like this with me.. and I hate myself more.

*Before You :-P*

*I Need A Hug*

I've been on the verge of tears all day.

This afternoon because of Mike living and working in Jersey and going to school in the city while I'm still a million miles away. It's so much harder to deal with the daily struggle I've been having of just being antisocial and just sad.. always sad.. he makes life so much better. He makes life so much prettier.

Then going to church because I miss Shannon so much it's unbearable. I miss the late nights laughing and the horrible movie watching and making fun of retarded people at Gami and.. just everything. I really miss her and she's even more miles away. I didn't want to talk to anyone at church either so I just looked at pictures.

Then because people brought pictures from last year and Mickey's in all of them.. and his damn big screen TV is in the room beside all my wall mural painting things. I just wish there wasn't a fucking piece of him everywhere. I wish he'd just go away. I wish I could not be so stupid.

Then because I'm fighting with my mom and I shouldn't be so bitchy about getting a car but its TRUE... everyone has a fucking car.. every family with 400 children to feed has enough money and we are well off and have one kid, me, and they can't afford to lend me money? I don't even need it really, I just need them to sign for me, because if I had a car I could get a job. But they say "In May". I know its not forever, but its THIS semester that I have Friday's off.. its THIS semester that Mike will not be there and I will need to see him more.. its THIS semester that I will need to drive to Mike and my spot and just cry sometimes. THIS semester. Not in May when all I will need it for is to drive to work every day. Come to think about it I suppose that that's the only reason I'm getting a car.. no one wants to share anymore.

I was raised so fucked up. I really hope I don't fuck my kids up this much. I love my parents but their fighting and getting me everything I wanted and never having any time to talk and always blowing up on me for the stupidest thing whenever they are stressed has really fucked me up. Especially because all they did was fight fight fight all through my childhood. They'd fight, and then my mom would teach me in Sunday school. They'd fight and then my dad would take me with him to work and act proud. They'd fight over me.. ALWAYS over me but NEVER over me. It always had to do with me. ALWAYS. I don't remember one fucking fight that wasn't about ME. WHen I was a kid I used to pray that it was all a dream and that I could go back to never being born, when I supposed my parents were happy. But I guess now that all it was was on the surface about me.. really it was their own fucking problems with each other. They still do it. THey fight exactly like Mickey and I did.. about each others stiupid little quirks that don't matter.

I am so scared of relationships right now it's not even funny.

I finally had the guts to point out something quirky about my dad that i can't stand and I got in HUGE trouble for it. But its SO true. He buys random shit that we don't need. He buys random shit that HE doesn't need and NEVER uses or uses once. When we moved, my parents expected that I'd have the most stuff. But my dad had four times as much, easily. I probably had 8 boxes, total. It's insane. I don't understand.. how can you not be like "I can't believe how much money I've completely wasted?". I mean, I do it all the time too (obviously I got it from him) but I do it less stupidly. Like the million notebooks I own I usually just stole from his desk.. one that he stopped using a year ago that he wouldn't miss.

I'm getting really sick of seeing people splurge on everything. I probably saved $200 easy on books this semester and my dad spent that much, today probably, on leather bound notebooks and rusty nails and.. nothing he'll ever see again. Like that label maker. Digital computerized label maker. You type on the screen what you want.. theres a few options if you want a border or not.. and then it prints a label to a sticker. For goodness sakes, use a SHARPE, some tape and a piece of computer paper! Not a $100 label maker. In protest I taped an "I LOVE MIKE" label onto my leg (my dad has made me swear not to use the damn thing).

Anyways I cannot WAIT to go back to school. I'm so much happier there.. when no one asks me to do chores and I just have to look after myself. I miss home when I'm gone but there are definitely good times and bad times. As in, I should never ever stay home this long ever again. It's hazardous. It's horrible. It's home... and I really wish I liked it.

I have really beed crying entirely too much lately.

*I'm Actually VERY Sure That I Can't Take Anymore*

I just remembered that I have to go to a dinner. Is it even possible to have non-hat hair in this kinda weather? Not like I care, I just wish I wasn't too lazy to wash it today. And that Victoria's Secret wouldn't discontinue everything I love: namely "So Sexy" shampoo and conditioner.

I really don't want to go but I have no good excuse not to and if I bitch my mom will bring up the doctors for sure and.. death. I really am going to miss Mike this semester. I guess I haven't given it uch thought, especially considering how much time we've spent together over break. But this is it. Now it's over. It kinda feels like. I don't know. Like this is why he broke up with me in the first place.. we're never goign to see each other and its going to be really hard. And the original plan after the breakup was for him to go to school closeby. But now its really not.

No, I shouldn't be like that. I'm really glad he didn't base anything on me because that's silly and it's his life.

I just really really really am going to be lonely in that lonely way that only a boyfriend as amazing as Mike can fill.

*Happy Birthday Day!*

Today is everyone in the world's birthday. Seriously, I don't think I know a more birthdayed day than January 28th. But for some odd reason I can only remember two of them :

Happy 28th Birthday Joey Fatone !

and Happy somethingth (19th?) Birthday Nick Jacobs !

i know it was someone else weird like.. david gallagher or.. someone else I actually cared about. But seriously, in Absegami, I bet there are a dozen lockers decorated for today. Craziness. Thank the Lord Almighty that they were born today (and that I no longer go to school at Absegami)

*Side Note #6*

I just was thinking about that last post.. I really wonder how many people live with anxiety disorders and depression and things that never see a doctor because they're too anxious to talk to someone .. to make the initial move .. or they don't think they're worth the attention. Because I totally feel both those ways. I really wish that colleges had like.. I don't know. Once a year visits with the campus doctors so I could blurt out how insane it's been holding all of this in and dealing with it on my own. I really times a million think about going to the engle center but I can't.. I really can't make that initial move. I'm so scared and even if I went I'd be so scared every time just to walk in. And it's not very much like somoene can do it for me, and I wouldn't want them to anyway because I'd feel too bad. I wish I wasn't so retardedly upset about silly things. But I wonder if there are a lot of people who just hide it like me.

*The Sacrifices Of Being Shy*

I got an email this morning about doing service trips for Messiah. Here's the thing. I really like to help people.. Really REALLY do. Like, going to Puerto Rico and stuff for a mission trip (tho last year was probably more real) really makes you feel like you've done something.

But my "mission trip" type is more like... secretive. Like, I don't like to barge in somewhere and be recognized for the work that I did and thanked over and over.. I don' tknow

My mother just called and IM GOING TO KILL HER. *HUGE SIGH* I finally told her that I wasn't calling the doctor and I wasn't going to the appointment. I hate talking to people and I hate doctors. Once I told her that I didn't even want to see a doctor that was 5 seconds from my house because that means everyone that goes there lives here too, she sort of let up, and I told her never to talk about doctors ever again with me because I'll make my own fucking plans from now on. I realize she's looking out for me but she CANNOT just make appointments for me without telling me anything, especially one fucking days that I wasn't even planning on coming home, like yesterday's appointment at 3 that she made AFTER she knew my plans. She said "Just come home earlier". I said, "Mike is leaving at 9 and I am leaving at nine. I REALLY hate being alone and I'd rather go with him than miss an appointment".. so much so that I actually made the phone call. But it was an awkward phone call involving having to make one wrong number, another to the wrong doctors that they used to be a part of, then a secretary that thought I was my mom and kept asking me about my "child". I really REALLY hope that i do not sound like someone old enough to have an 18-year-old child. Seriously though, no one really knows what its like to totally freak out about that. It would be the smallest most.. minute thing for someone else but its HUGE to me. Like, potentially I could think about it all day and really let it wreck the day. I don't even know why.

I know I sound like a total jerk and yes, my mother already said to me "you're lucky you have the option of going to the doctors" to me. Fuck, why do people say the same fucking things. I realize of course that I'm lucky.. but she doesnt get that THEYRE lucky that they have the ability to interact with other human beings without feeling an IMMENSE amount of anxiety. I really really am about to start to cry because my mom is pestering me and shes like "I'm not nagging I'm just looking out for you" and she got really upset that I told her I didn't call her from Mikes because the doctors was all she'd talk about and just argue with me. Whatthefuckever I give up.

On a lighter note I got up and realized I'm the family slave again, with a nicely written list of chores to do set on the counter for "whenever I get around to it" which is always immediately because I wake up an hour before they come home and even if I start now, they won't all be done. Besides the fact that its fucking freezing outside and the first thing I always do in my pajamas and slippers is take my dog out.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR SUMMER-- MY OWN APARTMENT-- MY OWN JOB-- MY OWN MONEY-- MY OWN CAR-- and a whole lot of visits to the freaking psychiatrist. Too bad I'm too scared to call a counselor ;-)

1.27.2005

*Woah Now.. Hold On*

Just thought I'd let everyone in the world know that Jesse's Album went GOLD. I'm SO proud I could burst. There are currently about 8 centerfolds of him laying on my dorm bed and it makes me happy happy happy that he got what he wanted. :-D Ironically, Mike had this news posted well before I did ;-) lol

Oh, and I still miss him and his house and my comfy bed there like crazy.

Oh, and I ADORE getting packages so this week should be fun fun fun

Oh, and I spend $400 on the internet tonight (mind you, $350 was on school books) ..

Oh, and this is really annoying.

I need a book with IBSN 1-4127-9193-9 and I can't find it! argh..

*Side Note #5*

I read today in a book that it usually takes two years to get over every one year of a relationship. est-ce que vrai? Because I've been having problems, you know? Not like big problems but its weird. Because there are certain people who I could really honestly care less about and have completely forgotten and have zero emotion connected to (see : Pilgrim Academy slash Messiah College minus Michael) but this other guy.. It's not like I think about him a lot. It's really not. I mean I did for a while, trying to sort it out but now that I've just let it calm down its like.. you know what? I really feel like .. confused ? when I think about him. Like, I really don't like him anymore, it really is like it never even happen. but I feel like I'm missing something, like I should've gotten something out of a two-year relationship besides a broken fake necklace. He keeps coming up in conversation and I despise it. I wish I didn't have the memory at all. But some of them are rather fond memories and those that are not (see: MAJORITY) are permenantly scarred into my brain tissue.

Whatever. So be it if it takes four years -- I've already lived through one and I feel A-ok. Wonderful, actually, in my current relationship status. Its just that I don't want to talk about him anymore. I don't want to say "My ex-boyfriend.... " anymore. I really REALLY don't. It drives me nuts how that phrase spits out before that second "check-me-on-that" instinct comes along. Grr. Oh well.. :-*

Mikes better looking anyway (see: I'm Not Really That Shallow)

*So Much To Say*

I really do have about a million things I've been thinking of typing on here, but I need a moment to be upset that I just titled my blog entry with a Dave Matthews song.

Okay, I'm over it. Shannon, you were right, dave matthews does suck.

Anyway spending time with Michael was.. magnificant. I loved getting to go to school (especially for the time when I didn't actually have to go to class) and seeing everyone.. and I love that Mike and I fit together like .. the best fitting thing you can think of.. like hopefully the bras I just ordered from Victoria's Secret. I mean, Mike has nothing to do with bras!! :-P

A little hesitant to order weird stuff online to be sent to Messiah College. I can just see me walking to class after accidentally already getting my Vic's box which is presumably a pink-striped obvious box. Crap. I shouldn't have done that. Oh well, C'est la vie.

Back to Mike .. GREAT WONDERFUL and AWESOME weekend.. almost complete week with him. AHHHHH. I can't believe how awesomely amazingly wonderful our relationship is. We get along like.. something that gets along. Like uhhh.. a river? I suck at metaphors. We get along wonderfully.

This morning I awoke to a kiss on the cheek by the sweetest cutest man alive and I feel like a million gagillion dollars right now. We got on the train to the city (see: New York City) .. which was a pretty ride along the Hudson River with him asleep on my shoulder.. then walked in the FREEZING cold to Port Authority from Grand Central (see: Near Death Experience).. stopping at two starbucks on the way for hot chocolate and hand-thawing-out. I was sitting with him for a while at the bus station but when he had to go (he had a meeting at his new school, Chubb) I really started crying. Like I tried really really hard.. REALLY hard not to cry at all because I was thinking how silly I must look crying over him leaving when I just had a wonderful week with him and I know I'm going to be seeing him sometime.. eventually.. again. But nonetheless I started to cry and I really couldn't stop. Look at me, I'm getting misty-eyed just thinking about it. I don't really understand why I started crying.

But I really really miss him. Like, it feels like we're just supposed to be close, you know? I don't mean to sound greedy, it's not like I'm not okay without him.. and its not like this whole long-distance sort-of thing isn't going to work out, but I really feel like if we spent as much time as we did together this weekend on every other day, that we'd still be the non-fighting, amazingly-close, awesomely-getting-along couple as we are already.

What a cool feeling :-)

Anyway I think I'm going to start writing a book, presumably entitled "the middle of the river", scheduled to be released never because I procrastinate with the best of them. I wrote Mike a long letter on the bus ride to Atlantic City (see: Fortunately Not Filled With Smelly People) and I really want to write. I really do. I really really do. And I want to read too. And make a quilt. And be a good cook.

But really now, I want to have a family like everyone else. *happy sigh* isn't it crazy with the way things are that a good part of the college kids today most desire a family as their ultimate goal. My mom came home after a study at her college (see: Ryder University) and 90% of her class said that what they most desired was to be married with a boy a girl a cat a dog and a cute little house with a hammock out back.

Sad thing being that of those 90% that do get married, 50% will get divorced. It makes a girl go crazy over how worrisome she gets over relationships (see: My Anxiety Attacks About Talking About The Future).

Mike and I may not have a future. We may not, and I admit that. But meeting his wonderful underful family, seeing his adorable house in the old neighborhood in New York, where not too long ago I was swearing to live there, eating pizza, watching TV, spending all day just sitting and talking for hours and hours into the night and morning, riding the train, going through the car wash, and ESPECIALLY doing donuts in the parking lot of the diner really REALLY make me want us to last. :-)

I really hope that I can be non retarded enough to keep him. Because let me tell you something.. It would be incredibly hard to find someone even remotely as amazing and astonishingly like me, whom I can be awesomely honest and comfortable with. Realizing of course that I'm 3 1/2 years away from graduation, and a good 5 or 6 years from moving out of my current address in New Jersey, I suppose my odds are incredibly low. But if you could possibly imagine laying wrapped in a cloud atop a chocolate-covered bowl of wonderfully delicious ice cream that doesn't make you cold but sparkles and tastes like strawberries, cherries, whipped cream, vanilla, and lavender... thats what I feel like when I am holding that adorable man in my arms.

I'm in one of those dreamy moods :-) can you tell? I literally float on air from the high that hanging out with him gives me. I actually think it will be an okay (see: Actually Pretty Good) thing that he's not at messiah because I hope I will actually get work done (see: I Will Actually Just Drink Coke And Write In My Blog). I'm looking forward to my classes (see: Things That Last For Four Minutes Into Class) and I think they'll be interesting (see: Tolerable).

Another thing is on my mind. Something happened today in the city (I was in three today, so I will just side note that "the city" is new york and the others will be named appropriately) that really made me grab a hold of my faith again. I've really been struggling with it. Like, what do I believe that wasn't just something my parents told me to believe? I kept on praying but I really felt like I was praying to the air 15 inches away from my face and nothing more. Needless to say, I really felt like I'm not alone in this quiet prison that I have been dwelling in.. my comforting grave fondly called the bed I can't seem to get out of is just waiting to swallow me whole. What am I talking about? Well.. I really felt like God was there today. I feel it a lot when I realize what a BLESSING meeting Mike is, and how everything with us unfolded perfectly (see: I Know It Doesn't Seem That Way But When I Think About It It Really Did), and today after he left me I had a sort of silent revelation that there is in fact a God and that as much as death seems surreal to me, it happens, and I can't risk eternal Death.

So.. I don't know what that really means. Having a faith built on my own beliefs instead of my parent's is totally different. I think a lot of things different than them.. but it doesn't change the fact that I really want to learn to pray and listen and spend time growing in faith. Spending time with Mike in the wee hours of the morning has already done that a lot to me. It's been a lot of "thank you thank you thank you Lord for bringing me a miracle" (see: Getting Back Together) and not so much "I want to be a better person.. I want to live for you..". Actually, I think I have had a stronger faith than I give myself credit for. However, "almost" really isn't enough for God. I wish I knew what he thought about all this. *sigh*

Well.. I wrote a lot (see: Entirely Too Much) so I better head to bed (see: Continue Shopping Online Until I'm Broke). Hopefully my books will be in the mail tomorrow and in my mailbox when I arrive at Messiah on Sunday-- if not, then Monday i PRAY they'll be there by 12:40 because I have this thing about being prepared at the same time everyone else is and I will have a freak attack if I have to be a loner. I really really hope that I know someone in my class since I didn't last semester except in Bible which I hated and I didn't talk to anyone (see: Completely Paranoid Social Anxiety Disorder).

Okay, so I'm really going to bed (see: A Really Big Lie). 'Night

1.25.2005

*He Breathes Underwater Very Well*

Well, he was trained to be a professional.

Anyways I'm sitting in Mike's room eating speghetti that he made, drinking a coke from the dorm room feeling like I'm actually worth something and I'm actually here for a reason.

Let me tell you, this is really living.

I tripped up my typing the second mike looked at me. Hehe. He makes me the happiest person alive.

I discoverred that textbooks for next semester are going to run me about $250 if I get them on online auctions and stuff .. which means I don't even want to know how much they were going to cost me at the messiah bookstore. Craziness.

I think that if I had a choice between Mike and Matt Damon..

.. I'd chose Mike.

I feel like ... just happy. Thats all that matters anyway. :-)

I don't want to go home. :-D

1.23.2005

*Do Do DOoo DOooo*

I didn't feel like thinking of a title line.. in fact, if you've noticed I'm sort of giving them up. Someone is dncing on the stage and I think it would be nice if I had guts to get up and look silly in a toga.. or whatever she's wearing. That was mean. I think I've developed a mean spirit. At least shes good (i didn't actually look over tho, so i wouldn't really know.) but her music is making my heart beat. I mean.. something.

I actually have nothing to say I'm just hoping someone will look over an be impressed by my superior typing skills.

Sadly, that is actually true. Lmao. I men, not really. I'm not in a laughy mood.

i want to go lay down, take four midols, twelve cokes, two shots of bacardi and go to sleep.

I have a problem. X-(

*Too Early To actually Think*

He never worried. Not even once in dozens. Not even for a second. I mean, maybe the first time, but barely. It was like I didn't even matter. And he just brushed it off. "forget it," he said. "impossible," he said. Sure... I guess it was. I guess it is. But what all does that matter now? I still worry. But now I'm worried that I worry him. I'm not ready to do that.

I don't understand why we can sit there and watch a movie.. hours and hours after all our sleeping instincts have come and gone and come and gone again, and yet stay wide awake, jumping up at the end to throw soda cans out the window or pizza or stop signs that we should've put in our hair. Its funny. Then we can sit here, silently typing away at wherever and whoever.. and say nothing to each other once again, yet entertain ourselves for hours when it is in fact 6:58 AM and we started watching movies at 9 PM yesterday. I mean, some of the movies were good, especially Murder by Numbers which, in fact, I would not have stayed awake for if I didn't feel so crappy and worried and the movie wasn't so damn interesting. It's so comfy there in his arms, I just want to melt.

I want the snow to melt too. It's pretty and nice and all.. and I love the way it twinkles and sparkles in the moonlight but it's just too damn cold and I don't want to be cold anymore. I miss 100 degree Puerto Rico and who could blame me? It's paradise. I would imagine God doesn't throw out his angels for that damn reason.. hell really would be hell in comparison.

Well I'm actually sounding like a person that thinks which I don't enjoy so I'm leaving. Plus Mike has his hand on my leg and I should probably talk to him instead of sitting here staring at my fingers like I did before I could type without looking. It's almost like I'm not here... but I guess I have to deal with it anyway.

Everything seems worse in a dream. Strike that.. everything feels worse in a dream-like reality.

1.21.2005

*The World Is A Brilliant New Color*

Wow.. I just put my contacts in a I feel so much better... I can actually see everything really clearly. I had no idea my old contacts were a whole -1 behind on my right eye.. whatever that means :-)

Anyway I actually am attempting to make this a real day where I get off my butt and do something :-) So yea.. stop typing now, Sarah.

1.20.2005

*Sigh*

Cashmere gave me a fat lip and I'm ugly.

But I got new rubber ducky slippers.

And I miss my baby.

I want my baby back.

Bribe: Mike, the cable is set up in your room upstairs along with the nintendos :-D
im still tired but im up because sleeping got boring. what should i do now.. watch tv or stare at nothing? oh man.. these choices...

1.19.2005

you may think by the way i didn't blog as much today that i actually had something to do. instead, i just have been in one of those blank moods.. you know what i mean. good night although one of those words is a lie.
.. i wish i was a completely different person but i have learned that i never will be ..

*I Will Watch You On The Shore*

Lately I have listended to zero music and still have always had a different song in my head every time I blog.. which is too much, obviously. I have nothing to say except Cashmere is getting time out already for biting me.. she's starting with the terrible puppy two's.

*yawn* i slept a little after my six o'clock blah but I still feel sad and upset about the whole thing. And I still want to cry and hug Mike.

*Broken Dreams*

My dreams have always had a way of controlling my emotions, my thoughts and everything that I have that day. Last night I went to sleep at 11. And I didn't have a nightmare, at least not by popular standards, it was just a dream that made me wake up at six o'clock and start crying. I walked downstairs, crying, to get some water and I thought maybe even a hug and Cashmere rips a hole in my favorite pants and then my dad asks me to watch her while he takes a shower. Which means she's probably out there ripping a hole in the carpet and I'm going to get in trouble forit and I'm not even awake. Today she is getting zero attention because she is biting me nonstop and I'm the one who takes care of her the most.

I don't know why I keep crying. I mean, it was a bad dream but it just makes me hate me so much that I want to cry. I don't understand why God would give me dreams like that, that wake me up and make me feel horrible about myself. I just.. :'( I need Mike right now.

1.18.2005

*Side Note #4*

Shannons birthday is in 5 months from today! I thought about that a million times today! I better get shopping SOON! :-D hehehe

oh and mike, would you mind telling me how the heck to post pictures on this crazy piece of zebra-brained cocktail that they claim is an easy to use web log? :-*

*The Truth About Cats and Dogs*

The Truth: I date people whom I am not necessarily attracted to. Why do I do that? I don't understand . I suppose it is my lack of self confidence.. because even the ugly guys didn't find me attractive and no one dated me at all until Sophomore year despite all my efforts at not being an ugly whale-shaped object, I couldn't deal with the thought of even trying for someone attractive. That's precisely why I ended up with Mike.. because I relalized that I do this and I said "WTF? Why the hell would I do that? I deserve someone that I really think its wonderfully gorgeous beyond belief and dammit, I'm going to have him". And now I do. Congratumalations to me. :-D

*I Don't Want Another Pretty Face*

Wellll... heres what I think. I think it would be wonderful if the world was all like Simon from American Idol. I know 99,999 people would disagree with me this year (that's about how many people lose american idol) but i really really like that he is 100% honest and WOW wouldn't it be awesome to just tell people what you're really thinking when you think it?

The Truth : I could never date someone who is overweight because I love hugs and hugs require people I can reach my arms around!

I think I'll try to include truths in my blog, as if there weren't enough bluntly mean truths about me in here in the first place.

I am talking to Schuyler which makes me very happy and I used the phrase "significantly diminished" and it makes me laugh because I am not smart and I shouldn't try to sound it. lol. I spent a little while staring at it trying to figure if it made sense. Oh dear...

I can't wait to go back. I'm so freakin ready. I don't want school AT ALL but I want friends.. I miss friends. I started buying things for people, I know its bad when I miss them that much. I'm planning all these things in my head to get for people and i'm like "No, Sarah, thats bad. Bad girl" but thats only because I've been saying that to Cashmere all day and I'm stuck on it. I think it said it to both my parents and my little cousin today just out of repetitionary or something.

I don't understand how people can look at the kind of people that win American Idol... people who, for the most part, not only have kickass voices but awesome bodies, makeup, moves, everything (and YOU HAVE TO HAVE BEAT!!! i almost died seeing all those people who can't even snap on the beat of the song, much less hit the notes without completely blowing out a chord).... and these people can say to themselves " I look, sound, act, and move as well or better than those people " and then they get to auditions and tell the judges "i've got what it takes" and proceed to suck the ass off a llama.

They don't understand how we communicate oh so many things that we do and say they don't really get what it's all about, no they never can understand pokemon (no.. no pokemon!!) chris : understand -- NO POKEMON

oh dear. I'm starting to quote the Dream Street DVD. time to go to bed.

*Let It Shine*

Haha.. instead of "let it shine" i wrote "let it shit".. perhaps the latter is more appropriate for my mood.

I need a car to go home or to michaels on the weekends. To get a car I need a loan. A loan will cost at least $100 a month. I need the car to get to school. I need the money in my bank account to pay for books. I therefore need a job to pay for the car. A job would have me working on the weekends. That brings me right back where I started now doesn't it?

i want to go to michaels right NOW. I need a hug and I want to meet his family and his friends and his cat. And I need a hug. And I REALLY need a hug. And.... a hug, that's what I need. A big freakin fat wonderful hug.

I'm never going to see my Michael again :'(

side note : it is thirteen degrees outside. B freakin rr.


*We've Got To Be What We Feel*

Just gave Cashmere a bath since she jumped in my cereal bowl this morning and got all sticky. She's being good for the time being. Too cute, I have to admit, even though she bit me earlier trying to play and I was bleeding while she was crying adorably to get out. She's good at making me feel bad, even when it was her who bit me.

My arms and legs are still peeling from the sunburn I got on Guilligan's Island like.. a month ago (maybe it hasn't been that long..) and I look pretty gross. I hope this super moisturizer stuff does the job, although it doesn't matter because no one ever sees me.

I was so excited when I went over to my uncle's this morning.. they have a HUGE tv and they have digital cable and there's a special nickelodeon channel wwhere they play all the old shows!!! ahhh! i was freaking out! it was so cool buti felt like such a loser so i switched to comedy central when my aunt came home, lol.

Shannon I got your letter today :-D I LOVE the stationary.. man, that was a long time ago.. I got it at the KOP mall like.. 2 christmases ago? or graduation? I can't remember but I know its from Cranes and its so pretty :-) I wish I bought some for myself! And thank you for the pictures.. <3>

Anyway Mike just got home so I'm gonna go talk to him and watch Boy Meets World and enjoy that my clean puppy is SLEEPING for the first time today. :-D


*Na Na Why Don't You Get A JOB?*

I'm BORED again. Mike finally went back to school (not my mike, a different one) and he was the only person i was talking to from home and now hes gone and everyone is back at school including my michael who went to chubb for financial aid today. *happy sigh for him*

There's nothing to do except empty the dishwasher. And that is just too much fun for me to handle right now. I'm going to go bake some cookies..

Mike told me to write an entry in his blog but I have no idea what to write because I'm a loser and can't say things properly. If I try to be funny I just turn out moronic.. if i try to be sweet i just turn out moronic.. if i try to sound normal, you guessed it, moronic. Oh well...

1.17.2005

*Every Other Time*

SUCH a good movie. If you haven't seen it, SEE IT IMMEDIATELY. Wonderfullness.

Its too forkin cold to stay awake so i'm curling up with a few good new books and magazines (and a few old ones too) and spending the night in my warm puffy bed :-D Hopefully all my stuff will come in the mail tomorrow and i can occupy myself with redecorating (or rather, decorating in the first place since my room right now is empty and white) man i miss my orange walls!

Anyway.. prayers tomorrow for Mike's meeting at Chubb :-D Lets hope he gets lots of money in F.A. so he can still afford to take me on that big carribean cruise (hahaha.. riiight). No seriously though.. I'm happy for you baby :-)

So anways my butt is going to fall off so I'm going to forkin bed. I miss everyone. :-( G'night

*Relief*

I went to Borders and feel much better. I got a really good parking spot and got some really cool things. An Italian cookbook, Jessica Simpson DVD (only cuz the same exact songs on a CD were more expensive), The Recruit (YAY! WATCHING TONIGHT!), SURFER magazine, A book about the beach, and a little something for my beloved Jenni. I FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON. usually shopping doesn't do that for me.. i'm not a shoping kinda person. i don't hate it but i get there, get it done, and go home.. i can't linger for 2 hours in the same store like my mother does.

Anyway I haven't talked to Mike in two days so I hope everything is going okay with him.. I think our sleeping schedules are already starting to mismatch. *sigh*. I really miss him a lot.. I thought about how weird it must be to have visited me and how well he adapted here and I love it, and I hope I could do the same in New York. In fact, I hope I can visit really soon because I really want to now that I talked to his mom on the phone for a little while. His family is so nice and so.. I dunno.. I guess more excited about significant others or something, i dunno. My parents don't take things seriously.. even when I was going out with Mickey.. they just you know.. they don't think things will last and when we broke up they were like "yea, we saw that coming" so.. I dunno. My mom did a lot more for Mike then she ever did for Mickey (like.. cooking for one thing.. and stuff like that.. which was really cool :-D) so I dunno. I don't know what I"m talking about. I'm going to watch the Recruit after West Wing. Go me.

I'm lonely.

*Cuz I'm LOSING MY MIND When You're Not Around*

THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL TO DO AND NO ONE TO TALK TO. I AM AT HOME WITH ZERO FRIENDS ZERO SIBLINGS ZERO CAR ZERO PRIVACY AND ZERO FUN. I WANT TO CRY.

Side note to anyone I know that reads this.. Creation tickets are on sale already.. its $77 if I can get it in by Feb10th (and then every few days it goes up a few dollars until June), plus $10 for hot showers (otherwise they're cold showers with longer lines for those of you who havent been there)... which means if you want i'll collect money, names, whatever and we can try to get a group rate (which is 20 or more adults .. 18 or over) so start making a list of people you know that you want to come and asking people cuz that moolah is due soon :-) I don't mind paying for it all now but we need a general number.. i dont think itll be much of a problem getting rid of tickets if we get to many seeing as how i go to messiah college.. perhaps ill try to get an email out to messiah people or something but i'm sure ill forget someone.. i need that list of people to invite to our wonderful parties! :-)

Shannon you want to go with us to Creation? I hope so .. and if you dont have the money, my parents will pay for you :-D

Oh yea.. my parents are coming to Creation but they are only coming two days and staying on a freakin house boat.. so we can go on the house boat for a little while those days if we want :-D yayy

I AM SO BORED THAT I THINK IM GOING TO FALL OUT OF MY CHAIR. PlOP. THERE I GO.

i sound like a bitchety bitch bitch on my blog, don't i?

*Shopping Escapades*

Well my day started off kinda.. well, grumpy.. as i guess my last entry clearly shows. The shopping wasn't much better. I felt really ugly in everything and I just feel really gross in all my clothes. So I got stuff like.. Roxy stickers for my surf bored and the car that I'm eventually gonna buy with the $6000 car loan I applied for at Commerce today.. A sweatshirt thats huge and shows no signs of there being a body below it along with Lilu perfume which I had run out of.. and a see thru blouse thing just to make my mother happy that i bought something. Oh, and another purse.. but this ones for my books at school (like i ever use them!)

I just sounded like a prissy bitch so I'm dropping the shopping thing, except to say that I saw Jamen Lomanaco and I almost hurled myself thru the shop window because he is so unbelieveably... ugh. lets just say that i'm really REALLY glad I didn't stick around this town for college. MMMMMMMMMMMMHMMMMMM

I miss Mike.. he puts me in a mood that is 9,384,979,875,679,756 times better than this one. *SIGH*