* s t a r d u s t a g a i n s t a p a l e s k y *

A falling star is a phenomenon to an adult and magic- a miracle- to a child. Who's right? Things are what you define them. So who am I? I guess it's up to you...

2.28.2005

*Oh Boy(s)*

Summerland was pretty good :-) I'm just happy it'll be on once a week now.. gimme something to look forward to. Although it looks like Jess is gonna break it off with Callie and I kinda liked her (although I really liked when he was dating Sarah, for obvious reason)

Anyway, Johnny Durant reminds me so much of Johnny D. It's weird. They look a lot alike minus like 30 years.

Interesting I thought about that tonight because I realized that I sent a bunch of emails one night.. I'd say about 5 or 6.. to 5 or 6 different male friends. I like how I don't even think about them emailing me back anymore because I don't expect much from them.

Guys of the world, you really need to step it up. This is a gross reflection on your gender as a whole.

Seriously now, what happened to men being the initiators, the planners, the supporters, the protectors? You know when I've ever been approached by a guy? once. in 7th grade.

Seriously boys. That's just sick. Be a man. Step it up ;-)

*A Moment Like This*

Is it wrong to feel like I want to speed through time to all the fun things in my future.. like dating my future husband.. like a wedding.. like a honeymoon.. like meeting my friends' husbands and hanging out together.. like having kids and owning a house.. having the respect of other people who treat me like an independent adult and not a kid bound for trouble because I'm 18.. having a car and a boat and a surfboard and a job that sends a paycheck home so i can take my son out and buy him ice cream..?

Well, I don't know. I don't know if any of that is ever going to happen, and it makes me sad. I think I am going to take up writing because I can control the people and the situations and the outcomes.. unlike in life.

It just doesn't seem like too much to ask to have someone to hold in the cold February snow.

*WHooo*

Guess what yall?

Summerland sets get decorated by Pottery Barn and my room now has a good half of Kay Panabaker's on set. That's my hero, because I didn't know before I put in my order there that I was doing that, and theres like a big Summerland advertisement EVERYWHERE today and it makes me really happy (and normally hyper too but I'm too tired to be hyper :-\)

So Summerland Season Two begins today. I expect that everyone will be watching (and yes, Messiah College students, I expect you will be leaving campus in order to watch ;-)). It's going to be wonderfully poorly written but I love my Jesse McCartney and.. hey, you'd watch it too just to say "I hugged that adorableness!"

It occured to me that I will quite possibly never be that close to Jesse again and it makes me sad, but it was fun while it lasted :-)

So enough about Summerland. My mom is blackmaling me into working my butt off these next two days if I want to borrow her car on Wednesday to go snowboarding (ski round top :-D). Aaaand apparently I'm going to Florida. Innnnteresting. We're looking at cars but my parents never have the time or the energy to go out once they get home from work so it will probably be a weekend-only thing. Either way, she said its like $220 to fly out to Tampa so that's nice. Cuz I wanna go to Disney World. :-D

I haven't seen Greg around, I hope everything is okay. :-\ I think his opera was this week so that's probably just crazy. And I've been out and about too. But not todayyyy.

I'm glad it rained/hailed instead of snowed because the roads are nice and clean now. I like playing in the snow but everything else just gets in my way.

This was a really boring entry. In needs a dash of TWENTY FOUR.

Muuuuch better.

2.27.2005

*Off Track*

What am I thinking? I don't deserve a twenty-four. I don't even deserve an eight. *sigh*

Why oh why do beautiful boys come in such complicated packages? Like, ones that require super beauty powers to unwrap?

*Don't Take The Girl*

So0ooo00oo I woke up considerably better .. emotionally this morning. Except I hurt and ache like I have the flu. That's always a bonus ;-)

Anyways I have to pack up and get outta here. Summerland's on at nine and if I get home early enough MAYBE my parents will consider letting me come back on wednesday to go snowboarding if thats when nenni ends up going. I hope for her sake that fractured wrists do not keep the cute boys away ;-) Well, my sake too. hehe

Anyways I am procrastinating because I don't want to pack. It's too sad to take my sheets off my bed and all that. It's depressing, which is (obviously) not something that I need in my life. So I think I'll just stay... forever. Until the nazi throws me out. Not like she really cares about the meatball dorm anyway. :-P

I DONT WANNA LEAVE! I'M BETTER! I WANNA STAYYYYYYYY

kay sorry. *thinks about cute boy and smiles*

as my mom would say, i think I met someone I like better than myself while I was home. teehee

I think I'm switching to LiveJournal. Maybe. I don't know. I keep saying I'm going to shut this down but then I'm like... errrr... this is the only thing I've done for this long this often and really kept up seriously in my entire life. I realllly wanna play the piano, finish a scrapbook, pick up my guitar again.. lots of things. But my blog seems to be the only thing I can do and I dont wanna lose that. And LiveJournal is just different and scary. Eeeee.

Kay so I'll stay here and keep telling the world about my life (I'm up to 800 now) because I can't seem to stop. I guess the real reason I wanted to shut down is because like.. people know me. Like people, friends, stop talking to me because they don't need to ask about whats going on. That's kinda weird, isn't it? And it means that I never get to hear about what's going on in OTHER peoples lives because, well, they don't talk to me in the first place. Oh bother. But I like it here and I don't think blogger can go private so.. oh well. Life goes on. And home is bOrInG.

Snowboarding. Yeshhhh. Green Day Concert. Yessss. Creation. MMMmhmmmmm. Maine. YeP YeP. Party at my house in the summer with no visiting hours EVERRRRR? YOU BETCHA!

Jennis Mom is right. It's the love thing that matters more. The school thing? Who cares ;-)

Hey when I get a car I'll be up here all the time. It won't be so bad except the drive is REALLY long and tiring. But I mean I was planning to waste all my toll money on some boy :-P so why can't I use it all on the journey to and from the coolest chickies and boy toys in the world? :-D I think I shall.

Don't worry girlies, I'll leave my Jesse posters so you don't miss me too much.

*Always*

Best weekend in a long long time. :-D Sleepy Time.

*Awww... Here It Goes*

Sometimes I think God is really against me when it comes to the B word.

Boys.. as Jenni and I would chant-- what are they good for? Absolutely nothing! sing it again!

But anyway tonight I really felt like He came to my rescue and saved me from myself and my self-pity that tends to get outta control.

In which case, I met someone that is..

..

..

.. I can't even think of words to use. I felt like a little girl with a crush. I blushed for the first time in I don't know how long-- reallllly long. I stuttered when I talked to him and got all annoyed that I couldn't think of anything clever to say.

Anyways, even though I'm sure it's nothing much because even tho I meet awesome guys, awesome guys tend to have awesomer girlfriends and.. yah. But either way, it made me feel sooo much better. It's probably the first guy I felt realllllly attracted to since I got in this rut. Which is my hero because I'm reallllllly attracted to him. Ho-ho man.

Twenty Four. Damn, boy. Twenty-Four and a half!

Anyways I guess the world can call me shallow now. I guess I can be. But on the other hand, nothing else seems to have worked. And oh my. twenty four and three-quarters.

No, for serious, I can't even.. wow. thirty-six.

I really need to go to bed. seventy-two.

What a nice night. Too bad the average is five thirty. perhaps we could clone twenty four. sah-weet!

Anyways.. niiiiiiiiight world. thaaaaaaank you jenniiiiii.. my herrrrroooooooo!

2.26.2005

*We'll Surely Melt In The Rain*

Dear Mike,

Come home.

Love, Sarah

*Everybody Hates Me*

I got bored because everyone has homework to do during the day so I filled one of these lovely puppies out. Sorry its so long.. i needed to waste time.

[ .001. ] First name: sarah
[ .002. ] Last name: hayden
[ .003. ] Nickname (s):
[ .004. ] Gender: chick
[ .005. ] Birthday: 2 september 1986
[ .007. ] Place of birth: somers point, nj
[ .009. ] Hair color: brown
[ .010. ] Eye color: hazel
[ .011. ] Race: white
[ .012. ] Nationality: american
[ .013. ] Do you have braces: no
[ .014. ] Is your hair short: yes
[ .015. ] Languages spoken: english, some french
[ .016. ] Current location: grantham, pa
[ .017. ] Zodiac sign: virgo
[ .018. ] Siblings: none
[ .019. ] Do you wear glasses or contacts: both
[ .020. ] Bad habits: holding on
[ .021. ] Piercing(s) you have: 4 regs 1 cartlidge 1 belly
[ .022. ] Piercing(s) you want: 3 cartlidge
[ .023. ] Tattoos you have: none
[ .024. ] Tattoos you want: tribal type broken heart lower back (syyymmeeetriicccc)
[ .025. ] Today's date: 26 february 2005
[ .026. ] The time: 3:31 pm
[ .027. ] Ready for a bunch more questions: ugh

Family
[ .028. ] mother's name: kandi
[ .029. ] father's name: glenn
[ .030. ] step-parent's names : none
[ .031. ] brother(s)'s name(s):
[ .032. ] sister(s)'s name(s):
[ .033. ] favorite aunt: kathy
[ .034. ] favorite uncle: fred
[ .035. ] favorite grandparent: june
[ .036. ] worst relative: sally
[ .037. ] best relative: aunt kathy
[ .038. ] do you get along with your parents: when my room is clean
[ .039. ] does anyone in your family understand you?: no

Pets
[ .040. ] do you have any pets: yes
[ .041. ] what are their names: meatball and cashmere
[ .042. ] what kind of animals are they: beta fish and golden retreiver puppy

School
[ .043. ] are you still in school: no
[ .044. ] if so, what school: messiah college
[ .045. ] future school(s): messiah college
[ .046. ] did you ever drop out: yes
[ .048. ] favorite grade: this one.. 13th :-P
[ .049. ] least favorite grade: all of them
[ .050. ] favorite subject: math
[ .051. ] least favorite subject: history
[ .052. ] do/did you buy lunch or bring it: don’t remember
[ .053. ] play any sports on the school's team: gymnastics, softball, soccer
[ .054. ] favorite teacher: mr schurtz
[ .055. ] least favorite teacher: miss pierce
[ .056. ] favorite dance: everythings ruined
[ .057. ] favorite memory: total eclipse of the moon
[ .058. ] least favorite dance: prom 2004
[ .059. ] least favorite memory: prom 2004
[ .060. ] most humiliating moment: when mickey grabbed me in the hallway

Favorites
[ .061. ] number: 77
[ .062. ] clothing brand: roxy
[ .063. ] shoes: uggs
[ .064. ] thing: new cars
[ .065. ] tv show: summerland
[ .066. ] sport: surfing
[ .067. ] vegetable: none
[ .068. ] fruit: strawberries
[ .069. ] movie: ten things
[ .073. ] bubble shakes: riight
[ .074. ] gum: trident
[ .075. ] fish: meatball
[ .076. ] candy: mmm.. junior mints/yorks
[ .077. ] ice cream flavor: chocolate chip cookie dough
[ .078. ] color: orange
[ .079. ] season: spring, summer
[ .080. ] holiday: I dunno
[ .085. ] cereal: honey nut cheerios
[ .086. ] thing in your room: jenni and alicia
[ .087. ] place to be: here
[ .089. ] sandwich: air
[ .090. ] junk food: whatever is there
[ .091. ] overall food: pizza
[ .092. ] store: victorias
[ .094. ] fast food: mickey ds
[ .095. ] restaurant: applebees
[ .096. ] shape: diamond
[ .097. ] time of day: late night
[ .098. ] pizza topping: cooked with cheese then removed
[ .099. ] way of getting caffeinated: cherry coke
[ .100. ] boys name: jacob, jesse, bradin, dillon, skyler
[ .101. ] girls name: sadie, shannon, kathryn
[ .102. ] mall: hamilton
[ .103. ] thing to do when you visit your "homeland": umm sleep?
[ .105. ] board game: monopoly
[ .106. ] ...card game: spoons (tho I suck and am slow)
[ .107. ] carz: toyota rav4
[ .108. ] music video: dirrrty pop
[ .109. ] swear word: FUCK FUCK FUCK
[ .110. ] musical: phantom/little shop
[ .111. ] month: may
[ .112. ] cartoon character: doug
[ .113. ] radio station: 95.1 wayv
[ .114. ] song: whats your name? Jesse, round here CC’s, would you like fries with that? Tim mcgraw, wonderwall oasis
[ .115. ] letter: j, k, m
[ .116. ] rock or rap: rock
[ .117. ] rock or pop: rock
[ .118. ] rock or r&b: rock
[ .119. ] rap or r&b: hmm
[ .120. ] rap or pop: pop
[ .121. ] rap or r&b: hmmm
[ .122. ] rap or metal: metal
[ .124. ] pop or metal: mm. pop
[ .125. ] r&b or metal: metal
[ .126. ] linkin park or limp bizkit: hmm
[ .127. ] tool or korn: tool
[ .154. ] selena or jennifer lopez: jlo
[ .155. ] love or lust: love
[ .156. ] winter or summer: summer
[ .157. ] spring or fall: spring
[ .158. ] shakira or britney: britney
[ .159. ] garbage or no doubt: hmm
[ .160. ] friends or seinfeld: friends
[ .161. ] diamond or pearl: diamond
[ .162. ] being HOT or COLD: hot
[ .163. ] buffy or angel: angel
[ .164. ] dawson's creek or gilmore girls: dawsons
[ .165. ] football or basketball: football
[ .166. ] summer Olympics or winter Olympics: summer
[ .167. ] skiing or snowboarding: snowboarding
[ .168. ] bath or shower, morning or night: bath, night, shower, morning
[ .169. ] black or white: black
[ .170. ] orange or red: orange
[ .171. ] yellow or green: green
[ .172. ] purple or pink: pink
[ .173. ] abecrombie or hollister: abercrombie
[ .175. ] inside or outside: inside
[ .176. ] weed or alcohol: alcohol
[ .177. ] cell phone or pager: cell
[ .178. ] pen or pencil: PEN
[ .179. ] powerpuff girls or charlie's angels: neither
[ .180. ] scooby doo or din dino: neither
[ .181. ] old school pink ranger or old school yellow ranger: pink pink
[ .182. ] lizzie mcguire or that's so raven: lizzie
[ .183. ] tattoos or piercings: hmmm
[ .184. ] pink or red: red

Private life
[ .186. ] do you have a ...boyfriend or girlfriend: no
[ .187. ] do you have a crush:
[ .188. ] do you love anyone right now:
[ .189. ] have you ever been in love:
[ .190. ] number of girls/boys you've kissed: 8
[ .192. ] how many hearts of have you broken: dunno
[ .193. ] how many people broke your heart?: 1
[ .194. ] best quote to sum up love: “death”
[ .195. ] so what is your bf/gf/crush like: everything
[ .196. ] first thing you notice about the opposite sex: smile
[ .197. ] best weight for the opposite sex: perfectly fit into my arms
[ .198. ] best first date location: running in the rain (seriously now..)
[ .199. ] best first kiss location: OCBW
[ .200. ] do you go by looks or personality: both
[ .201. ] ever kiss a friend: yeah
[ .202. ] are you still friends:
[ .203. ] do you smoke: no
[ .204. ] do you smoke weed: no
[ .205. ] ever trip on acid: no
[ .206. ] how about a little: no
[ .207. ] crack, heroin, anything else: no
[ .208. ] if you could change your appearance, how could you change it?: I hate my legs.
[ .210. ] can ex's be friends:
[ .211. ] internal conflicts: too many to name
[ .212. ] how many pillows do you sleep with: 1 1/2
[ .213. ] are you a virgin: yes
[ .214. ] if no, when was the last time you got some:

Would You Ever
[ .215. ] bungee jump: yeah
[ .216. ] sky dive: yeah
[ .217. ] swim with dolphins: yeah
[ .218. ] scuba dive: maybe
[ .221. ] turn your back on your friends for personal gain: no
[ .222. ] kill yourself: no
[ .223. ] race around your neighborhood: sure
[ .224. ] drink pee: no
[ .225. ] lie for personal gain: probably
[ .226. ] lie to your parents: yeah
[ .227. ] walk up to a stranger and kiss them: maybe
[ .228. ] be an exotic dancer: maybe if i had a nice body and could dance
[ .229. ] walk out of a restaurant without paying: no
[ .230. ] streak: depends where

People You Know
[ .231. ] best friend: shannon
[ .232. ] known longest: shannon
[ .233. ] who drives you insane after a while: charles ;-)
[ .234. ] can be superman: mikey s :-D
[ .235. ] can play the guitar by ear: chuck chuck
[ .236. ] can play the piano by ear: chuck chuck
[ .237. ] slowest: well, jennis got the blonde streak ;-)
[ .239. ] craziest: jenni, schuyler
[ .240. ] loudest: adia! hehe
[ .241. ] shyest: ughmm.. me? Or shannon
[ .243. ] can always make you laugh: nenni
[ .244. ] best eyes: mmm.. philosophy class.. or jesse
[ .246. ] most athletic: the hottest guy on campus
[ .247. ] sex symbol: jesse
[ .248. ] hot tempered: mickey
[ .249. ] most impatient: mickey
[ .250. ] shortest: ali 
[ .251. ] tallest: shannon
[ .252. ] talented: schuyler/greg
[ .253. ] best singer: greg
[ .255. ] nicest: ali
[ .256. ] best personality: hmm
[ .257. ] online the most: shannon/jenni/ali/mike/schuyler/greg/chuck chuck

Have You Ever
[ .258. ] flashed someone: ughmm..
[ .259. ] told the person you liked how you felt: yeah
[ .260. ] been to michigan: yes
[ .261. ] gotten really REALLY wasted: no
[ .262. ] gone to jail or juvi: no
[ .263. ] skateboarded: yes
[ .264. ] skinny dipped: no
[ .265. ] stolen anything: yes
[ .266. ] fallen asleep in the movie theatre: yes
[ .267. ] went to go shopping, only to find you had no money on you: yes
[ .268. ] hit someone in the head with a snowball: last night 
[ .270. ] cooked (well): yes
[ .271. ] kissed someone of the same sex: no
[ .273. ] failed a class: not officially
[ .274. ] gone on vacation without adult supervision: sure
[ .275. ] been to a concert: yeah
[ .276. ] been to another country: canada doesn’t really count..
[ .277. ] talked back to an adult: yes
[ .278. ] got pulled over: no
[ .279. ] got in an accicent: yes
[ .280. ] burned a cd: yes
[ .281. ] given money to a homeless person: no
[ .282. ] lost money: yes
[ .283. ] cried to get out of trouble: yes
[ .284. ] kissed a friend's brother or sister: umm.. had to think about that.. no
[ .285. ] kissed a brother or sister's friend: no
[ .286. ] dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyways?: haha probably

What Did You Do
[ .297. ] your last birthday: went to class
[ .298. ] yesterday: drove to college, baked brownies, played games, went sledding, played three quare plus josh on a chair, makeuped schuyler, went to sleep
[ .299. ] last weekend: dropped out of college, cried a lot
[ .300. ] christmas: was sick. Opened gifts, saw the family, went back to sleep
[ .301. ] thanksgiving: ate at my house
[ .302. ] new year's: went to sleep at 9 in puerto rico. Talked to mike around 1.
[ .304. ] easter: I don’t remember that far back
[ .305. ] valentine's day: got broken up with. cried. A lot.

First
[ .306. ] thoughts when waking up: I miss mike
[ .307. ] kiss (ever): nick jacobs
[ .308. ] kiss (with significant other):
[ .309. ] screen name: babyemmapo
[ .310. ] self purchased album: hanson's middle of nowhere
[ .311. ] enemy/bully: I got beat up a lot
[ .312. ] big trip: bar harbor, maine
[ .314. ] word: pizza
[ .315. ] toy: mutt

Right now
[ .316. ] what are you eating: milanos
[ .317. ] what are you drinking: nothing
[ .318. ] what are you wearing: white snow bunny sweats and a half-shrunken care bears wife beater that doesn’t make it past my belly button
[ .319. ] any shoes on: surfer socks
[ .320. ] hair: down
[ .321. ] listening: jennis got her headphones on
[ .322. ] talking to anyone: nope
[ .323. ] sleepy yet: just woke up

Just Answer It
[ .324. ] are you a vegetarian: no
[ .325. ] do you like cows: i like to eat them
[ .326. ] are you a b****: sometimes
[ .327. ] are you artistic: sometimes
[ .328. ] do you write poetry: sometimes
[ .329. ] are you a fast runner: not anymore
[ .330. ] can you ski: no
[ .331. ] are you british: no
[ .332. ] do you want to spear britney: urghh
[ .334. ] did you ever give barbie a haircut: yes
[ .335. ] would you eat mac & cheese with hot dogs in it: ew
[ .336. ] do you think disney creators were on acid when they made alice in wonderland: isn’t everyone?
[ .337. ] are you straight: yes
[ .338. ] are you stupid, insane, and another physically handicapped: occasionally i am temporarily insane or stupid
[ .339. ] are you fat: no
[ .340. ] are you skinny: no
[ .341. ] are you short: yes
[ .343. ] do you own a hot pink shirt: yes

The Last
[ .354. ] website you visited: shannons blog
[ .358. ] movie seen: chicago
[ .360. ] time you sang out loud: yesterday
[ .362. ] thing you downloaded onto your computer: jesse
[ .363. ] person you talked to: jenni
[ .365. ] person you f-ed:
[ .366. ] person you cried to: greg or shannon probably
[ .367. ] person you called: greg
[ .368. ] person who called you: my mom

*Whyyyy*

Some days I wake up and I feel okay. Some days I get all worried about things but feel alright anyway.

Today I woke up feeling like....

.... I miss Mike. A lot.

*Let Me Be The One*

I'm thinking tonight that it wouldn't be so bad to just have friends that are really close that are guys. But is that really fair at all?

We had a WONDERFUL night. brownie making in miller 3rd, complete with card games, pacman shaped can openers, and some other games I was bad at too. Then we watched numbers and then went sledding (which was quite possibly the first time the girls outnumbered the boys). We went to Colin and Dave but they weren't home. Silly boy missed out on a good time. Then we came in and thawed out and stared at each other. Played random games and listened to the radio. Pete went by when Jess came on the radio and i was like going crazy. I felt really silly. But I really like Pete, he's a really sweet cool guy. :-) Schuyler fell asleep so Jenni and Ali makeuped him. tehehe. It was pretty funny.. they wrote "I heart U" and *KISS* on one cheek and *ME* on the other. and all this other stuff. *sigh* and then we spiked daniels hair, put schuylers in a mohawk and joshs.. well joshs was quite hopeless.

well, i think that's all we did. sometimes when i'm here i think i'm manic depressive-- but i think i'm pretty much always depressed, its just that sometimes i let myself have fun to try to forget. It's sad because I really want to enjoy the crap outta this weekend. And I mean, I am, but I have so much unneeded stress. Oh well. I feel really sick so I'm going to bed (2nd!).

Nighty night and sweet dreams to all...

2.25.2005

*You Found Me*

He's there.

He's there in my dog waking me up this morning. He's there in the spare room I went to watch tv. He's there in the third bathroom switch that was only ever on when he was there. He's there on my couch and in my kitchen. He's there in the speghetti I made last night for dinner. He's there on the curb when I pull up to my house. He's there walking my dog out in the field by the school. He's there in my car-- in the gasoline I smelled when I first got in it. He's there at the gas station-- complaining about full service. He's there at the toll booths, noting that New Jersey has too many. He's there in every Honda that cuts me off-- even more in the Hondas broken down by the side of the road. He's there in the clip stuck in my air vent. He's there when I lower my steering wheel to drive with my knees. He's there when I turn on my cruise control. He's there when I pass by the Philly train station. He's there when I pull onto RT 15. He's there as I pull onto Lisburn Road. He's there as I pull into school, pull up to the same parking spot behind Jordan, and he's there when I almost hit some guy because I'm not paying attention at all. He's there at the foosball table. He's there in Larsen pizza. He's there in the fountain sodas. He's there in the way everyone talks (slash slash). He's there in my room getting a big hug from Jenni and Ali. He's there in the 400 popups a second on my computer. He's there laying on my bed. He's there in my sock drawer. He's there in my fish bowl. He's there in the easymac boxes. He's there in the TV and Nintento. He's there lying between our beds on the floor. He's there in the box of things from Valentines Day. He's there in the "NJ Transit" ticket on my wall from the last time I saw him. He's there in the philly train ticket and really in the hudson valley train ticket on the wall too. He's there in the hair ties I put on my wrist. He's there in the necklace that makes so much noise when I walk. He's there on Miller 3rd and in every lounge on campus. He's there in every memory, every thought, every time I close my eyes.

How do I forget, how do I stop the thoughts...

... when he's everywhere?
i love how christian girls swear off boys and think they are doing God a favor.

hello? how the hell does that work?

no wonder this country is turning gay...

puzzle pieces, people, puzzle pieces

and get over yourselves :-P

*I Flit, I Float, I Fleetly Flee, I Fly*

*sigh* I didn't sleep much last night but it was my own fault so oh well.

It's so weird how Greg and I are getting along now. Like, really weird. I called him last night to say goodnight around like i guess 2 or 3 and then couldn't get off the phone. Well, I had to hang up when my dad came downstairs but it was after four by then. I dont know.. for Greg and I.. with everything considered.. its just really weird that we're this good friends. But it's all good.

It looks like I am going to Florida.. but there's a $150 difference between going on that Friday (11th) and the following Saturday (19th) and going a few days earlier and leaving a few days earlier. Just because Thursdays are like $75 cheaper to fly, especially to Tampa. So I dunno what to do about that, cuz I don't want to have to get in people's way. I guess an option is to fly to Ft. Lauderdale and get the bus a few days early to gregs and then get the bus to st. petersburg on the 11th but thats a lot of planning and i dont think i could deal with how long a bus ride it is from west palm beach to st petersburg. *rolls eyes* I wish things just worked out and states were much smaller.

I dreamed about Mike last night and I just woke up annoyed that my dreams keep bringing him back up. FINE. its OVER. i GET IT. it still breaks my heart to dream about him and feel like completely helpless in the face of it.. I dont know what happened and I don't know what I did to change things.. I just think a few days of quality time wouldve changed everything. But if its not worth that much to him then..

.. I can't do this to myself. I have to be rational. I have to go get in the shower and wash those thoughts away and go to messiah by one. I dont wanna hit philly traffic. but everythings gonna be traffic with this snow. ugh. i wish i didn't leave my cell phone on my bed at school (slash drugs slash DRIVERS LICENSE).

.. did i mention how WEIRD it is that greg and i are best friends?

ok, shower now, boys later.
i feel better tonight.

heaven knows why i feel better.

maybe its the drugs.

maybe its love for jenni ali schuyler and the rest of everyone at school.

maybe its still being friends with shannon for all these years.

maybe its how weird but nice it is to have such a good friend in such a random person as greg.

i think tonight is the first night i've felt good. in a long time.

you know, i really hope i dont get really a lot better right away because it will be really sad to still be out of school if i can concentrate and remember.

but you know, i really don't think i feel even close to that good anyway.

i just feel better tonight. I won't ask questions.

2.24.2005

Mdudeman1686 (1:04:57 AM): stop looking to the past
Mdudeman1686 (1:05:02 AM): you're gonna stay hurt

you know what?

he's right. for once.

I can't deal with this past shit like its yesterday. It's over. Why can't I just live in the today? Why couldn't I have lost my long-term memory instead of my short-term?

I'm not going to sit here and wait for some boys with absolutely no emotions to tell me what they think of me. That's not the type of reassurance that ever helps anyway.

I love my friends and I'm going home to hug them all tomorrow and tell them how much I love them. Because those are the people that will always be there for you. Those are the people who you can call 5 years from now and say "would you die for me?" and they'd say "yes" without asking why you asked or getting in an argument about how stupidly pathetic that question is.

And you know what? Maybe someday, boys will get emotions again. And they'll see. And you know what? Maybe they'll never see. But that's not my problem-- I can't make them see, so why try?

All I know is that I miss a totally different Mike than the one that I get mad at for not caring anymore.

How is it that I'm the only one not changing while everyone else is? --does anyone else feel like that?

Son, the pendulum swings both ways
But for you, it'll always swing down.

Oh well.

I know its kinda annoying to ask questions on your blog but does anyone have anything to offer me in terms of advice for forgetting the past? stories of your own about feeling like this? anything? i'd really appreciate a few comments. and you can leave them anonymously on my lovely website. just-- help. i dont know what to do about all this. I know i flipped on people that read this the other day but i guess it's because i feel like everyone reads--understands--but just doesn't care. I mean, I'm here, I'm around, I'm real. And no one really offers an ounce of consolation. How else am I supposed to feel? Anyways, I'm gonna try and keep this blog much more straight and nondepressing. If I can't deal with that then I'll open up my xanga for that instead. But I can't bitch like this anymore. I love life, I just need to fix mine.
barelyexisting77: mike, i hope we don't grow apart in these weeks so far away
c p m 1 x e: :-* i dont think we will

its funny because we studied truth this first fourth of the semester in philosophy.. and since that doesn't correspond with reality.. i'd say it wasn't truth a'tall.

just a thought.

i'm going to watch summerland-- every episode up until the last one that i missed so when i get home on sunday ill know whats happening.

:-) I'm a fucking idiot. but theres nothing better to do than dream about Jesse. Because Jesse never forgets to call and Jesse never lies to me. He is always smiling and he never doesn't show up when he says he will. Too bad thats cuz Jesse lives in California and no longer is aware of my existance.

Seriously. I wish I had the ability to be emotionless through this whole process of getting better. Because honestly.. I'm so fucked up after Mike dumped me. I dont like.. wake up at all. Since Valentines Day I haven't given a shit. I don't even care. I just stopped getting out of bed in the morning. I didn't shower for at least.. 5 days afterward. I stopped plucking my eyebrows and gelling my hair. I stopped wearing jeans and even bothering wearing clothes. Well that's fucking over, at least for the weekend.

I'm getting up tomorrow, watching the award show rerun to see Jess accepting his award for best new artist at 11. I'm working out, getting in the shower, doing my hair and makeup (both of which will be gone by the time I get there), putting on something damn nice, and I'm getting in my car and driving to the best friends in the whole wide world excluding Shannon, who i plan on seeing in the damn near future no matter how much that is going to cost me. I'm going to look nice and feel nice so fuck boys that don't give a shit about me because I don't deserve that complete shit. I don't. I'm a good person, a nice person, and when it comes to my boyfriends I am pretty damn sweet and always selfless. I'm not ugly and I'm not a stuck up little bitch. I don't beg for compliments and I have a hard time receiving gifts. I don't like being showered in anything but rain and falling stars. I hold the door. I don't need constant attention. I appreciate everything a hundred more times than a normal person does for some weird reason. I am trustworthy and I trust well, especially considering my past. Let's face it, I may be screwed up but I'm also just ending up with the wrong guys. I deserve better-- I think I believe that. And my future deserves better than this train wreck I've been since Valentines Day.

Boys, never-- fucking NEVER-- break up with a girl on valentines day. It's quite possibly the SHITTIEST most FUCKING AWFUL thing to do.

But it's not going to fucking ruin my life. It must be nice to sit at home with your new life and completely not give a shit that you hurt me so bad. It must be nice to have a girl drop out of school and fall apart partially on your behalf and beg for you back for days, when you don't even have to do anything but sit back and watch and not feel a thing.

But he'll figure it out someday when I'm long gone. That's how it works anyway, isn't it? Oh well, someday we'll talk to each other (in the far off future) and we'll wonder why we stopped talking. We get along so well. Well, I'm sorry, but its because I can't single handedly hold together something that is completely a figment of my imagination and nothing more.

I love how relationships work-- you spend a good chunk of your time getting to know a person, become deeply interested and informed about a person and instead of something like that lasting a lifetime like a friendship can if it goes well, it can just disappear in a blink of an eye.

So i'm only dating blondes. Hot ones. With Austrailian accents. And nice abs.

I'm kidding. I'm just not falling for everyone now. I can't. I can't get hurt like this.

Because when Mickey and I broke up, I died a little. And when Mike and I broke up, I died a lot. I can't get hurt like that. But I can't even think of a damn thing I would have or could have changed to smooth over this last blow.

Well anyways, fuck it, I'm going to watch the only man for me -- Jesse McCartney.

I'm so fucking pathetic and its so obvious. Forgive me.
i slept 17 hours last night. my dad came in from work and woke me up and said "it's 2:00" and i laughed because that was impossible-- i went to bed at 9pm.

it really was 2.

i cannot single-handedly hold together these relationships when clearly no one wants to be in one with me. that's a ridiculous thing for anyone to do-- much less someone who can't hold themselves together.

i dont know what happened with mike. at this point, i figure i'm just not going to know so, whatever. i still think its really shitty to have done it on valentines day. but i cannot handle talking to him and trying to keep it together when clearly he doesn't even notice i'm here anymore. i can't do that. it breaks my heart (more). i hate it but i have to give up. i hate it times a million but i can't do this with mike, with mickey. i'm not going to try to make all the effort into being a friend when clearly neither of them have tried to make an attempt at being one.

sometimes i wish i could feel nothing, too.

2.23.2005

i am running away to florida. i'm sure no one will notice i'm gone.

*Sometimes You Just Can't Go On*

I can't do this anymore.

I can't be the one holding everything together. I can hardly hold myself together.

I couldn't cry until tonight and now that I'm crying it's two hours after I promised myself I'd go to bed. No one is ever awake when I cry and even if they were no one would give a shit.

I can't deal with this. I can't deal with life like this. I can't deal with myself like this.

Just so you know-- I'm not a fictitous character in a story you've been reading. I'm a real person. And you're letting me die. If you want to know- TALK TO ME. because NOBODY DOES. Over 500 people have read this since last week. FUCK THEM ALL.

Fuck you all for reading my blog and never ever caring. Fuck you for reading it like a novel instead of a person's life going down into hell. Fuck you for judging me however you have judged and fuck you for never giving a shit about people as fucked up as me. FUCK YOU and I hope you go to hell for reading my life like you read the newspaper. Fuck you for making me do all the work. Fuck you for never reaching out a hand to pull me up. FUCK YOU for living your normal life and not dealing with me because you enjoy life just the way it is and don't want to be around someone like me. FUCK YOU because you're the kind of person who makes people end up the way i am. SO FUCK YOU FOR FUCKING ME.

FUCK YOU. I HOPE AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE YOU END UP LIKE THIS AND NO ONE FUCKING CARES AND IT MAKES YOU WANT TO DIE.
FUCK YOU. I HOPE YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT ITS LIKE THE HARD WAY. I HOPE YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE NOTHING. I HOPE YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ALONE. I HOPE YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT ITS LIKE TO LOSE THE ONLY THING YOU LOVE.
FUCK YOU. AND I WISH THERE WERE STRONGER WORDS TO SAY IT.
F U C K Y O U.

2.22.2005

.. my dad just ate my dinner.

Let me tell you something about me. Nothing has ever gone completely wrong in my life. I have more than 4 alive grandparents. In fact, no one close to me has ever been seriously ill or died. I've been in one very serious relationship that I got out of when it got bad. The relationship as a whole was not entirely corrupt or horrible, and I've been in a few more that have just not worked out.

I went to the same school for 9 years from K-8, the same school for 4 years from 9-12 and I went to a great college for a semester, made great friends. I've had a best friend since Kindergarten. In college, I met someone wonderful and had a great relationship. I've never broken a bone. The worst sickness I ever got was mono-- and I got it from my first kiss, which I always thought was pretty funny.

I've gotten good grades my whole life. I don't have a record. I've never been pullled over or arrested. The only time I got sent to the principals was because my dad was in city council and the principal had to ask if I was really living in the right city to go to that school, which I was. I have had a great job for four years, and this fifth year will be my 2nd as the manager. The people I work with are wonderful. I have been going to the same church when I was born. I have never been pressured into having sex. I've never done drugs, smoked anything, drank anything. I've never even had the opportunity to.

No one has ever hit me. I never got beat when I was little. I never had friends with serious problems. I never didn't make the shows in drama-- I got a solo the first time I tried out. I've always been in a choir. I was good at gymnastics. I've weighed between 105 and 110 since I was a freshman in high school. I've never been overweight. And yet I eat everything I want. I live on the beach. I work on the boardwalk. I vacation regularly. I've been to Disneyworld three times and Disneyland once.

My point being, nothing serious has ever happened in my life to cause me to be the way I am now-- to cause me to drop out of school on medical leave with severe depression / anxiety disorder.

Now let me show you something.

Auto response from a friend: You want things to be better, yet you will not do what's good for yourself... you will not choose to act in ways that teach you to break away from the things and people that have brought you down this far... and until you do, things will not change. The biochemical issues are a result, not a cause.... it may take time to get better, but in the long run, I still believe it's your choice. Remember? You were the one who said that you still wanted to keep doing these things. Nothing that's good is easy. We have to work hard for these things. The road to this hell of yours is without sharp turns or roadsigns... a smooth and easy descent. Getting out of it involves doing a 180 from the things that have brought you there. Aspirin only covers up the symptoms... it doesn't solve the problem.

me: wow. i really hope that doesn't have anything to do with me.

friend: didn't mean for it to be harsh, because it's not meant to be

me: it is harsh. and its bullshit to me. the biochemical issues are a cause. thats bullshit that you think its a result. maybe it is for you but its not for me

friend: medicine helps for as long as you're on it. there's a reason that the rate of relapse is higher for meds than for counciling

me: fuck you for not saying that shit to my face. sometimes its better to just be a fucking friend and not always try to prove your fucking point. sometimes you're wrong.

friend:i didn't say it to your face because i have to run to choir in 10 minutes i apologize for it

friend: i'm sorry

me: youre not sorry you are stuck in your fucking ways and you want to shove it in my face. well, fuck you for that. and fuck your god. this shit is the type of reason I can't believe in that shit. because all christians tell me to do is get over myself

friend: that's not what i said sarah

friend: first off, seperate me from my God... i make mistakes

friend: i'm far from accurately representing what's right

me: well, you're making one right now.

me: because thats bullshit. everyone in my family is depressed

friend: alrite... i didn't make it clear enough.. you're right, I should have talked to you face to face because in the limited space i had, it definately came out too dichotimized it's not that simple... in the same way it's not all bio, it's also not all social and the events that cause it. it all works together though... each have an effect on each other... and I'm learning that you can't just take one of them and deal with it without dealing with the other. that's what i'm trying to say.. that's all

friend: i'm sorry. it really did come off wrong... i apologize.. and I do mean it. that's the last thing i'll say about it tho sarah, if that's what you want. i hold true to it... that they feed each other. it's sustained by both chemicals and decisions. fight the problem on both ends, and you'll do well. I'm sure of it. But be bold in your actions to break off the problem, just as you were in taking the step to get medicine.

me: i just dont think i really need your advice right now. sometimes people just need friends, not mentors.

friend: which is why I'll shutup... i really am sorry sarah... i hope you'll forgive me...

me: i just.. dont have many friends right now. it doesnt seem fair for the ones i do have to be telling me that i'm not doing what i need to to fix this. because in all seriousness, this is the most i've ever done and its probably all i'll ever do.

friend: no you're right... i shouldn't have said anything... funny cuz i was just told today that when ppl are going through this stuff they don't need to be told what to do or how great life is... but I couldn't get over what you said that other night about not wanting to change the way you do certain things... but I think I do talk too much at the wrong times... I'm learning... i hope you can see that as well...

me: well sometimes you have to take a sec and think-- there is only one person that i can even remotely call a friend through all this. i dont care if he's the worst person in all the planet.. he's the only one who is even trying.

friend: it's hard to see you like this too... obviously not as hard as it is for you to go through it... but i want things for you to be better too... and if that's any explaination for my yapping... cuz i wanna help.. then that's what it is, but that doesn't make it any better...

me: well i'm sorry. i really am. i'm glad that you're trying to help but all that really helps right now is someone to say that they care about me, not that they want to fix me.

friend: rite... thanks for letting me know

me: the causes of this are different for everyone. mine is primarily biochemical. so i'm sorry if that's not the case for you or for other people. But there's not enough seratonin in my brain and while I know that that's not the only thing, I'm also aware that that's the main thing. Go to a family reunion of mine and it's hard not to believe. It's not going to be easy for anyone to hear that its their fault they are screwed up. It's hard to believe I'd want myself to not be able to eat, not be able to sleep or think straight or remember to bring my license home or my medications. its hard to believe that i would drop out of the best school in the world in the first place i've ever had great friends if i hadn't done absolutely everything emotionally for myself to get better.

friend: yea.. i'm sorry that i had to learn this lesson through you..

me: its ok. i dont want you to misunderstand. i really am glad that you want to help. its just not what i need right now.

friend: yea... well someone needs to remind me that i don't know everything i guess

friend: alrite.. i really need to go or i'm gonna be late for rehearsals.. i hope i didn't make your night too bad

me: ok. you didn't. i dont think nights get worse anymore.

friend: force a smile for just one second.. keep fighting for that.. that's from me to you..

me: thanks. enjoy rehearsal.

Auto response from friend: merde, i talk too much. i'm sorry...

just so everyone knows-- i wouldn't bother trying to fix me. maybe I'm not fixable. but I just need a friend. thanks anyway.

*Say Something New*

They're not coming home for a while so it's safe. My dad put a TV in this room which is so dangerous but also so awesome.

I swear, one of these days I'm gonna wake up at an early hour, work out in my PJs for half an hour, go skating for half an hour, walk the dog for half an hour. Take a shower. Blowdry and actually make my hair look nice like i did for approximately two days at the beginning of the semester (well, and on Valentines Day). Get dressed, put on some heels and actually look really nice. I'm gonna get in my car that I bought with money that I saved, go to Borders, get a really good book, and finish it in the store. I'm gonna come home, do my laundry, start reading my schoolwork for Fall semester and write notes so I remember it. I'm going to not sit at the computer at all, and only turn on the TV for Summerland. I'm going to watch a movie with my mom and not get in my dad's way. I'm going to call my friend(s) just to have a conversation with them. I'm going to cook dinner and dessert. I'm going to eat right. And I'm going to go to bed by midnight.

I can't say that I did a single one of those things tonight. Ergh.

You know what I really want? An apartment with a study. A room exactly like this one, even though I know a TV and computer would distract me. But I really want one like this anyway. Lots of space to do work on, lots of filespace so I never have to leave and get the work. And a rolly chair to get around so I don't have to get up ever. It's perfect. I wish my dad knew how to share.

Oh grreat, here he is. I thought they were going out together. Ergh. I love my dad but he makes living here like being in High School. Last night he sent me to bed. I seriously can't deal with that shit. I'm supposed to be in college.

He's got to turn the heat -OFF- for a while. I wish I had been awake more than 2 hours or I would go to bed. Seriously, when I was a kid I was going to bed now, and today I've only been awake 2 hours. Thats just crazy.

My dad just said "it's really hot in here". It's 68. I'm freezing. I'm wearing four layers of clothes. *sigh*

I'm going back to Messiah on Thursday, one day earlier than I thought because I really need to be taking drugs. Yah. Completely unstable. I wish Mickey didn't yell at me when I was trying to be nice. I really just want to be nice. I really just want to be a person again. A person that everyone likes.

*I AM A MORON*

So I left my medicine at Messiah. I have never been this absent minded in all my life. My short term memory is shot and there's nothing I can do about it because I don't even have my antidepressants. Yay for fucking moronic me.

I can't deal with the everyday stresses of life, like going outside when its cold. The wind makes me angry. My dad likes the house to be sixty and I like it at seventy-five. And he could really give a shit about that. I'm cold and forgetful and always sleep, non drugged and lonely and.. my dad just called to say he's grumpy so don't get in his way. Fucking wonderful. I swear if he yells at me I'm moving out (like I really have a choice.. why do I have to own every single item from Victoria's!?). I can't deal with this shit. I hate it.

*Riiiiight*

So, I slept 14 Hours. I have no idea why, I just did. 14 hours straight without waking up at all. My mom came in and thought I was dead. Seriously, she was freaking out. I needed to walk the dog.

I have no idea what's wrong with me but that's really not cool now is it?

I hate when I dream about him because I'm always head over heels again when I wake up. It's so unfair because I really am trying to convince myself to believe that it's over and then my dreams... *sigh*. I don't want it to be over-- in the most sad, innocent, non-stalker way possible I just really wish he'd turn around and realize it. Especially now that I'm home and I have plenty of time to visit him. But he's living it up, I guess.. Well, I wouldn't know. But I'm living it down. And feeling sad.

Anyways I think I'm going to be begging my parents to send me to Nashville. That seems to be the plan. Because I really times a million times cannot wait until May to see her. And Mike is randomly going in April and now I suppose I am not even acquainted with him anymore (although in philosophy, knowledge of acquaintance is knowledge of truths), and therefore am screwed. But I really just want to see Shannon and I will therefore beg, plead, work, die, and eat my moms cooking to get there.

So my mom was on the phone and said "I'll tell her but I just think it's too soon" and then she didn't tell me anything so I think I should walk out and find out what it is. Ugh.

2.21.2005

*You're Wrong*

It's funny because I think I'm just going to buy a hearse to drive around. I like how life never works out and then you die.

He's not helping much, is he?

I know its my own fault and my own invention of the mind that screws me up inside.

It may take a while to patch me up inside. But I can't take it so I run away and hide.
You were always right. You're always right.

But it's not so bad. You're only the best I ever had.

Without me, his world will go on turning: a world that's full of happiness that I have never known.

I just really. I just really want him to be there when I turn around.

I just really want to be a person when I wake up in the morning. I want to be me, a better me, a me that is alive.. and I want to roll over and bump knees with him and watch his eyes open and ..

I can't. I can't do this to myself. I have to go. But there's nowhere to go.

Who would have thought the most exciting thing to look forward to for me would be Greg coming home?

Its funny because Jesse is having a rough time with all this overwhelmingness and.. I love him and wish he would talk to me more because.. I don't even know.

When I wake up in the morning I start talking about him right away. You think I'll ever be okay again?

*Sometimes Life Passes You By*

I . Wish . I . Could . Just . Stop . Thinking . About . Him .

*sigh*

I decided if its warm again tomorrow, I'm taking Mere and going to the beach. It'll be freezing anyway but I'll bundle up and make the best of it and go for a long long walk. I'll take her where I took Euchre only a few months ago, the last time I saw him.

I wished for you on a falling star. Wondering where you are. Do I ever cross your mind in the warm sunshine?..

.. apparently nyet.

*Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again*

Mere is getting big. I love her but I just.. don't want to be home. There's nothing left here for me. I feel completely useless. They approved me right away for medical leave as like an emergency case. The only problem is that they factor in JTerm for the time I've been there and we may therefore not get a single penny of the $12000 this semester cost. even though I didn't go to Jterm because I was on a mission trip. That really just makes me feel horrible. My parents are disappointed in me even though they're being nice to me now, and I lost them all that money. And I still am going to need a car.

I feel sick all the time and I can't eat. I had a shamrock shake this morning and it didn't even make me smile. I really hope all this stuff I'm going through works out-- that I can take two classes this summer to become a Sophomore, I can get two jobs and make enough money to get a decent car and pay it off. Oh yeah, and I can feel like a real person again and not a cheap imitation.

I saw Azure while I was at school and I felt really stupid, driving away with my mother, giving up. I wish I could make it through 4 years without this. I wish I was still part of that family. Hell, I wish I was still part of my family.

Mike started school today and I hope it went well. Even in the midst of all that went on with dropping off keys and letting go of Messiah College, I couldn't help thinking all the time how his day went. I want him to be happy again, but I don't want him to find that empty happiness. He deserves to be as successful as his dreams can reach and he has the skills and the knowledge to do that. But I still wish he'd just..

You know its funny because when I walk in I half expect him to be there, arms spread open that fit me perfectly again. His room is empty, the blankets were on the floor. I laid on his bed and I couldn't even cry. I can't believe it's gone.

I love my roommates. I hate that I left them. I wrote them a note on the same blackboard that he did... they just cleaned his note off yesterday. Maybe they should leave it for a while-- people leave every time its clean.

*Help Me Say...*

Wishing you were somehow here again . . .
wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here
Wishing I could hear your voice again
knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
all that you dreamed I could
Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again
knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive.. teach me to live
give me the strength to try
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye.

I can't hold my past in the palms of my hands anymore. My hands are only so big.

2.20.2005

*LIFE HATES ME*

I tried to write an email to Ben. It didn't send. I tried to write an entry in my blog. It got deleted. I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I tried to wake up at 3. I couldn't. I have cramps. I shake because i'm so angry at these popups. I have to lie down for the headaches.

Mike's starting school tomorrow and I'm dropping out. Well, I'm going on medical leave with severe depression/anxiety disorder for the rest of the semester.

I hate it. I'm moving back to the state that he lives in now, and I have 6 months of nothing to do but hate myself for losing him and for being a fucking failure to my parents, my roommates, my friends, my (ex)boyfriend, myself, and my life. And God.

I just can't deal with this life anymore. I don't want to move in with my parents. I don't want my dad to act like I'm myself like he did over JTerm. I don't want to clean my room. I don't want a job where I'll be labelled "college dropout". I don't want to explain to 400 people why I'm at church every Sunday when I'm supposed to be at college in Pennsylvania.

I failed.

2.18.2005

*Sabbatical*

I am thinking about medical leave. It's seriously that serious. But I don't know.

I burnt the popcorn. I can't even make easy mac.

I went shopping. What's the point of looking good if I don't care? I dont know, but I got new shoes and they're really comfy.

I want to be .. nevermind.

I may hate myself in the morning but... you know the rest.

*Too Loud*

We never said our love was evergreen or as unchanging as the sea but if you can still remember.. stop and think of me. Think of all the things we've said and see.. don't think about the way things might have been...

I can't stop listening to it.

I hope no one took that previous entry as something I was bragging about. More like disappointed that I couldn't hold on to any of it. And never let anyone know how special moments like that were.

I was thinking over thinking .. cuz I lost the things I held on to they let me think a thought- a thought that I would know is not of seeing my dream come true.

Anyway. I'm listening to "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes". However, the drugs give me really bad vivid nightmares. But when I wake up and then go back to sleep, I have happy dreams. I had one dream about Evan the other night, oddly enough. I loved to hate that kid. And hated to love him. But that's beside the point.

I'm definitely growing my hair long. Long and straight. I'll get it right this time.

I really want to go to DisneyWorld with Shannon and not be in this hell of homework assignments.

I never thought to believe my parents when they said "We dropped you on your head when you were a kid" until just now.

I heart Frank Sinatra.

*Something More*

I found an additional verse in the song.

Flowers fade, the fruits of summer fade-
they have their seasons, so do we.
But promise me that sometimes
You will think of me.

*Fossils*

I just.. don't know what to do with all these memories. How do you stop thinking about them? And what constitutes being over someone? I can't stop thinking about anything. It's all there and it comes up every time I do something. I don't understand how I am ever going to be blank again with all these years of memory.

*Everybody Just Wants To Get High*

First of all, let me just tell you that the "ex-boyfriends suck" box is full. And I mean, that's just the box from college (Mickey-Ben-Mike-Schuyler's Amber). So it is for that reason (though not only that reason) that there is no chance in hell I will be dating anyone in this school at least not for years. For serious. I am so picky it's not even funny and there's no chance in hell I'm going to run into Mr. Right because I already did.

So why am I at college? Eh? I really don't know what I want to do with life except get married and have kids and be a mom. *Resigned sigh* I mean, I'm going to stay here, I just don't get it. I was just sitting near someone I thought was very attracted and got annoyed at the way he tilted his head. And I'm always like that, it's ridiculous. But now that I've experienced a relationship that didn't have any of those really annoying quirks, how am I supposed to deal with one that's not?

Well, I'm not. So, yeah. I really just don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm tired of feeling ugly like no one likes me so I'll just stop trying. Guys like that. And I'm growing out my hair. And I'm quitting. It doesn't make me a lesbian. lol. But I am not dating. And I know I said that in the beginning of the school year. But you know what? I'm really serious. This is shit. I am not doing it anymore. I'll date when I'm 22 and out of the bubble.

Anyway tonight's movie was good. The guy wearing the white shirt was really really.. yes. just really.

I miss Shannon and I see why she decided she's never getting married. Because this is really shitty. I am a long term person and I can't be someone who just has short few-month relationships. Honestly, I can't emotionally handle stuff like that. I want a relationship like I had with Mickey even with all the crap that comes along with it. That's just the person that I am. And I think that dating for a few months knowing that it's going to be over is just.. unfair.. and defeating the purpose. And hurtful.

But you know what? Its a good thing because I want solid friendships that get taken to the next level. That's ultimately the best foundation for a relationship anyway. And I want someone who I already know doesn't have annoying quirks.

Ugh I don't know why this all got stuck in my head today but I don't want it, you can have it.

I just ran into pictures of Mickey and I from those photo booths on the boardwalk. They're actually really really adorable. I want that back, but I want to stay in a moment like that and never move and never change and never have to cry again.

I want that moment when Jenni and Ali came and hugged Mike and I after the dance.

Or the moment I walked out and knew before he told me that we were going to get back together.

I want that moment when Jenni took the picture of Mike and I at the sunrise.

I want that moment when Mickey hugged me between biology and lab in front of my locker.

I want that moment when Mike S came out of the school and hugged me for the last time.

I want that moment when Mickey and I held hands under our arms so our parents couldn't see.

I want that moment sitting in Central Park.

I want the first time Evan kissed my forehead and told me everything would be alright.

I want that moment in the dark in the flowers when I kissed John.

I want that moment at the last Sound of Music performance when Dan T hugged me so tight and I kissed his shoulder and thanked him for being there for me.

I want the first time Mark and I went surfing, or the last time I said goodbye to him on the boardwalk and he hugged me so tight and it was the first time I thought that maybe we had something, but my arms felt like they were going to fall off from carrying the 100lbs of chocolate down the bw from my car.

I want the first time I saw Jesse on the Jenkinson beach with his awesomely blonde hair and his adorable trying-to-be-cool half-smile.

I want the moment when Budd asked me up to his room.

I want the first time Mark took off his shirt and I couldn't help but wonder why he was standing on the beach with me of all people.

I want that moment when Mike P asked me to dance.

I want the moment when he asked Dan K "heads you lose tails she wins".

I want the moment I got to dance with Dan K anyway.

I want the moment Mike C took my hand at the dance, and I felt like he was mine.

I want the times he asked me to dance in grade school when I still was the shyest girl on earth.

I want the day I fell for Matt B before I even saw him.

I want the night I fell asleep on the stage holding Mike V's hand.

I want the day Nick listened to me sing and told me how good I was, and asked me to sing more, even though I wasn't any good.

I want the day Shannon and I were watching American Pie and Nick called out of the blue.

I want the day I went to Jason's house for a softball party.

I want the back of the van on the way home from New York.

I want the day that Dan T and I agreed that we'd always call each other back-- even though we never called each other at all.

I want the day I made out with Mickey in the movie theater and didn't even care that the theater was jam-packed with people.

I want the time I hugged John beside the bleachers and he told me he wanted to go to prom with me and he wished things had worked out that way.

I want the time I did horribly on my solo and Evan held me and told me I did fine.

I want the days I spent laughing with Jeff in Mrs. Breitzman's class-- and the days I spent staring at the back of his head in Mrs. Infante's.

I want the tennis days with Jeff Brad and Keith.

I want the first time I held John's hand in the car.

I want the time I found John's note on my windshield and the day of shopping (or not) with Vince and Janelle that ended in Stockton with his head on my shoulder watching some play that we missed the beginning of.

I want the days before Mickey met Jon.

I want the days when Dhika told me that she wanted to be at Mickey and my wedding.

I want the day that Greg D got my number in the bowling alley, even though it ruined everything

I want the moment when that cute blonde guy turned around and talked to me during all of convocation.

I want the day at the zoo when Matt B finally paid attention to me.

I want the day Mickey and I went to Dave's and he didn't know it but I was so proud to have him and not Dave.

I want the day Mickey and I let me into their lab group with all his friends and let one of his friends get kicked out instead of me.

I want the day Mark woke me up at school just to talk, even though I had never talked to him on the phone before except to find his car the first day we went surfing.

I seriously times a million want that first time that Mark pushed me out into the wave and I rode it to the shore on my first time ever standing on a surfboard.

I want the moments I thought Dillon K was flirting with me.

I want the moment that Mike pulled up to my house. I want the day we got my dog. I want the day we walked through the city. I want the day we surprised everyone by showing up to school. I want Gladiator. I want "go to sleep Daniel". I want shooting stars arm-in-arm. I want to beat him at spit.

I want the days Greg R acted like Dani Shannon and I were good friends. Or the day I shoved through everyone to go talk to Greg and apologize and then just hugged him in front of everyone that was waiting in line, not even thinking.

I want the day Phil caught me flying across the river.

I want the cake I made for Mike's 20th.

I want my sweet 16 party with Mickey.

I want the homecoming I asked Mike C to, standing in line with him like I even knew him

I want when Evan told me I was good enough to be the star.

I want the day Dan T came up to me and asked who I was because I just appeared out of nowhere with a center-stage solo to start the show. I want the day he came and sat with me all during practice when he was single and still trying to get Sara F. I want the day I found out that all my parts involved his hands holding my hands. And that I ended up hand in hand with him for curtain call for the Crucible.

I want the day I learned the dance for Oklahoma and got to hold my arm around John.



... I just want everything, balled into one, and I just want to stay there and love all those moments and never leave ...

But that's not life. But i have had a lot of love, and I don't regret any of it.


2.17.2005

*Notice Me- Without My Wings I Feel So Small*

Beautiful beautiful song. Mm. This is how I want to sing. And how I kind of feel too.

Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said good-bye.
Remember me, once in a while, please, promise me, you'll try.
When you find that once again you long to take your heart back and be free...
If you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me.
We never said, our love was evergreen or as unchanging as the sea,
but if you can still remember, stop and think of me.
Think of all the things, we've shared and seen.
Don't think about the things, which might have been.
Think of me. Think of me waking, silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind.
Recall those days, look back on all those times,
think of the things, we'll never do!
There will never be a day when I won't think of you.
We never said, our love was evergreen or as unchanging as the sea,
but please promise me that sometimes you will think of me.

Seriously.. listen to that song everyone in the world. It's so gorgeous.