* s t a r d u s t a g a i n s t a p a l e s k y *

A falling star is a phenomenon to an adult and magic- a miracle- to a child. Who's right? Things are what you define them. So who am I? I guess it's up to you...

3.30.2005

*Laughter*

I got up late. I was late for work. My pants were too tight at the bottoms, my socks were white, and I forgot my name tag. No one trained me so I just pretty much did whatever all day, making it up as I went. I hope there aren't too many complaints tomorrow with my name on it. They want me to work tomorrow. That's 4 days in a row, 8 hours a day, which isn't that much except I'm not clocking in so who knows if I'll even get paid in full.

I'm annoyed. I got home (late, because I didn't finish my work until 6:30 instead of 6) and everyones at my house and with 7 people, no one wants to walk the dog. So they ask me to do it 5 mins after I walk in the door.

I'm annoyed. I've been in a bad mood all day, except I'm glad that I fit into size 0 junior pants now. Because during my break (that ended up taking too long because the girl in front of me couldn't find 7 cents) I went to the mall and bought fucking new pants, even though they cost 30 dollars because I hate those other pants and threw them away on the way out.

I'm annoyed. food costs too much, I have $0, my car is on empty, and my mom owes me $130 and she has for a really long time. There's less than $90 in my bank account, my hair is flat, I need a haircut, they want me to work tomorrow...

I'm annoyed.

But on a happier note, Daniel's concert is Saturday, I'm going out with Mike tomorrow, Gregory Scot sent me a text message last night just to say he loved me, hopefully Martin will come back this weekend too and I got a room with my favorite girlie Alicia next to my other favorite girlies Jenni and Sarah. *sigh* i love my girlies, I can't wait to be back.

I'm annoyed. But I'll live
Without you dear. Boo Yah.

3.29.2005

*Forever And Ever*

work work work is all i've been doing. I came home from staples today and started my schoolwork.

I like it. It makes me feel useful.

I'm glad because it's kept my mind off of other things that I shouldn't have been thinking so much about.

I should just let things happen.

And stop hating people that hate me.

Cuz that's not the way I am, and certainly not the way I wanna be.

3.27.2005

*Recruit Me*

So umm..

I went for a walk on the beach with my puppy from Brigantine to Atlantic City.

I tried to think about something that is really pressing on my mind.

But all I could fucking think about was Mike and, get this, still Mickey, and how much I fucking care/d about them. I feel like in Mike I lost my best friend and in Mickey I just.. lost.

I don't understand. It was LOVE to me. It was real. It IS real to me. I mean it's past and obviously over but I still care about these people. There's no way in hell I could be like them and just give the fuck up and leave. I hate it. Ugh.

I had a really great night last night with Martin. He's the sweetest guy. The thing that really makes me mad is that I've known he's the sweetest guy for like 5 years. And yet I still seem to go for assholes. And I still just can't deal with this crap. You know its been almost a year since Mickey and I broke up. And its still in my head.

I hate it. I'd do anything to not let it out my lips before it crosses my brain to shut up.

And I fucking think about this TOO MUCH.

Just GO AWAY, damn it. Fuck this, I'm really really getting annoyed.

I knew it was gonna be a bad day, didn't I?

*Walk The Talk*

I wake up now already knowing what kind of day its going to be.

I predict bad and unproductive.

Oh wait, that's every day.

It may have something to do with the sore throat I have from either the medication for my asthma or singing in my car for the 2 1/2 hour drive to Palisades. Or maybe it has to do with embarassing phone calls that I made this morning. I hate the phone. Or maybe it has to do with still not going to church. I haven't been to church for a really long time. Either way, I wish I didn't spend so much time thinking about all the stuff I really want to do (especially cleaning my room and unpacking from school). I still have boxes up here from Messiah. Three of them. And they just sit there and stare at me and.. I don't know what to do.

Yesterday I started crying in the car, randomly. This is so hard. It's like, I'm trying to act better, thinking that just acting better will make it better. But its like there's always a fall back to where I was afterward.

Like yesterday was so cool. Ingrid and Lisa were so sweet and Paul was funny and.. it was just so cool being with new people, even if I'm quiet and I wish I was more interesting. And then I came home and Martin came over and he's so cool and sweet.. ugh, I wish I deserved that kind of a guy. And then Shannon and Ishai came over and we watched my favorite movie and slept over and it was just.. so nice. So like, what happened? Why did I wake up in such a bad mood.

Because I can have fun but I still can't get anything done. And I still would rather be alone all the time. Like, being at my house while my parents were in Philly was so cool. It's like, I love my parents but I just feel so much less stressed when they're not here.

Mostly because all I ever do at home is disappoint them by not doing what they ask me.

Motivate me. I wanna get myself out of this bed. Captivate me. I want good thoughts inside of my head.

3.26.2005

*Never Tell Your Friends*

So, I'm randomly going to Nyack, NY tonight to visit with Lisa Ingrid Amy and I think Becky and her boyfriend. I think I'm going alone because it was so last minute and Shannon is in Philly. Argh. It's all good though. I have my finger eleven CDs and Palisades mall is right at the end of the parkway, so easy directions. Plus for easter my mommy left me a map of PA, NY, and NJ. So as long as I don't accidentally go south, I'm pretty much covered. :-)

Last night was funny. I went to the lock in and Shannon came later on and we talked and then went to the diner with the youth group. Man, those kids grow up fast. But anyways then we didn't know what do to so we came home. I was hyper until then but right when I got home I was tired so I read a little bit and fell asleep.

Needless to say my phone rang at like 3 or something. For once it wasn't Justin or Greg though.. so Martin came and picked me up in the middle of the night and I snuck out in my PJs and beloved new hat. Who knows what we talked about, I was half asleep. I vaguely remember being on the roof of the Borgata parking garage and at a broken Gourmet and.. walruses? walri? I can't remember a damn thing.. I'm sure i was wonderful company :-\

So either way, we weren't out long.. maybe half an hour, driving around and talking.. when I came back home my parents freaked at the door cuz it makes so much damn noise. I don't think they cared though.

I crashed in point-two seconds and now somehow I'm about to get in my car and drive to Nyack, NY.

Let me just tell you something about myself. I LOVE spontinaety (or some combination of those letters and maybe a few more). I'm lovin this. I just hope I don't get lost (or lonely).

*Burn Themselves In The Fire*

Stayed at the lock-in as an adult and helped out around the youth events. I want to marry someone like Christy's Danny. Funny, sweet, thoughtful.. and adorable helps too. Too bad everyone like that is married. Or dead.

Maybe I'm exaggerating. But I kinda wanted to stay out tonight but there was nothing to do. Shannon and I went to the Phoenix (or some combination of those letters) and then to the Galloway Diner but had no desire to eat so we just went home.

I wish Ishai would fall for Shannon already. Guys can be so thick and stuck in their ways, they don't see that someone wonderful is waiting around for them to stop being so blind.

I have no idea if I'm going to Nyack tomorrow to see Lisa or not. I'm thinkin not because she didn't call and I have to somehow take care of my dog, and my parents are going away.

Which means, of course, party at my house. All my friends are invited.

Which means Shannon, break out the monopoly, it's gonna be a long night.

Hopefully Martin will be around until Shannon gets back from Philly. We all know how scared of the dark I am O=)

3.25.2005

*Anything Your Heart Desires Will Come To You*

When you wish upon a star..
Makes no difference who you are..
Anything your heart desires will come to you..

I love disney. It gives me hope.

I was just upstairs hanging the newly framed tinkerbell sketch on my wall. *sigh* I was shopping with shannon and we realized the mall is freakin tiny. But I love it anyway. And I bought enough anyways--- besides the money I ate in ice cream pizza and soda, I got a magazine, two books (including one I'm sure that is written about me called "Mike, Mike, and Me"), and a hat.

Aaaaaand I decided that I'm getting a bunny. Most definitely. I think I'm going to talk to my aunt and see if maybe she'll take care of him or her whenever I'm at school. Wouldn't that be awesome? *happy sigh*

I knowwww I just got a dog but the dog is my mom's. Cashmere loves mom and mom pays for and takes care of her. I want a bunny that I pay for and I take care of and is mine mine mine. I could take it everywhere. And name it something really corny like... Hippity Hoppity.

C'mon now. I'm an 18 year old virgin and even though I own cigarettes, I've never smoked. I deserve a bunny. I need something that loves me that doesn't break my heart. And look at that cuteness!!!



*laughs* I'm a freaking psycho. But I'm getting a bunny, damn it.

Besides, Mike picked out Cashmere. No wonder she hates me.

Anyways.. work summons me. I literally only have a 2-minute drive there which is going to be supremely awesome once it actually matters.

Sleep now.

I mean, work. Sarah, you have to go to work. No sleeping.

Aw, man!

*Mmmm Cadbury Eggs*

ARGH, that was a Walgreens commercial, nevermind.

Anyways I don't know where my car is. It's not in the driveway where I parked it. Well, that's just not cool.

I think I need to spend less time on the computer.

Actually, to be honest, I did spend less time here. I mean, I have been. It's just that.. when I'm home alone, why can't I check my mail? huh? Martin you have me freakin crazy now.

I am supposed to clean and then go to work today but I really wanna get the rest of my books in my car and then umm... study, and not do work. Isn't it funny how I'm just excited to study now that I'm not in school. Oh well, it works because I'll actually know what's goign on next semester.

I can't wait. I hope the housing thing works out for me and Ali (and Jenni and Sarah!) and it's not against the rules to completely switch around all the furniture so that we all still live together :-D I love those girls.

I'm so excited, I think I'm gonna go run and get some of this energy out :-)

3.24.2005

*Finger Twelve*

I think that this is my new theme CD... SR-71 got a little old and now I've got the Finger Eleven in my head and realizing that their lyrics are awesome too. Here's some that work perty damn well as journal entries..


Easy to be taken with everything you’re saying
Make us perfect and say it all again
But if every single second’s killing
Tell me I’m dreaming
I’ll sleep it all away

Tear out this love
Tear up the root
Tear out this love
Tear me from you

You know you can tell me anything you want to
Tell me something that I’d never know
Could be cautious as the words roll over your tongue
I’m stung with sick discovery

Tear me from these complicated questions
Taking all the empty spaces inside me
But complicated answers never did you any justice anyway
Complicated as we are we’re going have to burn it all away

Complicated answers take up all the empty spaces inside me
But complicated answers never did you any justice anyway
Complicated as we are we’re going to tear out this love

___________________________________________________


So cold that you cannot cope
With a frozen heart
I guess we blow apart
I guessed it from the start

Stay in shadow
I’ll run this world out
Stay in shadow
It’s running out of time
Stay in shadow
I want to watch it drown
Stay in this now

Don’t say because you can’t
Say what we should have been
Don’t show what I resent
Don’t know cause I forget

So cruel to be so blind
Darkness was on my side
Now that you’ve come and gone
I know where I belong

Light is leaving as I watch you go
Light is leaving inside of my soul


_________________________________________________


Forgive me if now I wear the face of worry
This time alone could never cause any doubt
But I’ve been cold too long

Such a strange time to find myself coming down as the rain
With all the holes my love,
To fill up from the middle
This storm could stay all night


So can you stay until we close our eyes
Til your dreams hold mine
Just stay until we know we tried one more time

Cause laughing lovers can overcome their closest demons
And they’ll go on and they won’t let go

They saw something that they know
Has never come so close
Can it stay here for us, for now?

Can it stay until we know ourselves?
I’m torn as I tell
You’re the story that I know and fell from
I’m so far into your story I don’t know why
We think we’re in control
When we lie between the lines

We’ll find a line to follow
It’s got to show real soon
Or we’ll never reach this high

We climb a little further
Cause there’s nothing we can’t get around together
Further gets colder until nothing was all that I saw around

So we stay until the ground
That we can’t come down from splits us away
Maybe stars know why we fall
I just wish they were thinking out loud
Oh, I could wish all night

______________________________________________________


The static grows and kills the message
Unclear as the wind blows
Thin whispers through all the wreckage
You said you planned to fail
Looking so safe but sorry
So be sure to bang the nail
And seal the exit out

Feel the way through your revelation
Does it feel the way you want to?


Just say it like it’s all true
Just tell it like you want to

You bled along the edge of reason
You could have changed your mind into the driest season
Don’t explain I know
The lives that you let go
The ones you thought you knew
Held onto deep dark truth

You just say it like it’s all true
You just tell it like you want to
Calculate one last scene of struggling
As I’m sinking I’ll be looking for you cause you’ll know who to blame

But you can’t stop the plan cause supply met demand


_____________________________________________

Thought I could fake this thing alright
Thought it could somehow get me by
Watching the doctors as they slide
Needles into my eye

Thought I could finally get around
Laughable symptoms keep me down
Faces I see all keep me blind
And now they’re redemption’s mine

Now that I can’t exchange actions for words
Now that I found these inside fears the worst
Now that I know there’s no place left to hide
Can I become all I thought I might


As the leaders who follow the path of whoever was standing round them
Call to say what I’m missing and into a detail they always go
Don’t believe them but offer condolences under the circumstances
All too often I’m missing the spirit to fit in so call me out

Thought I could soundly sleep tonight
Positive clear and breathing right
Panic attacks, panic attacks me now

Seems like a fair redemption

____________________________________________________________________

Wide awakened out of spinning
Round the safest orbit
You controlled the ordinary
I was grateful for it
Wide awake in the beginning
Trembling after the fall
Only half my world remembers
While the other half revolves

Cut off cause I can’t remember
A face that could cut me deeper
But hearts could never leave me bleeding
Becoming the cause and burden
The lesson begins unlearning
And it has never been forgiving my dear

It’s all too familiar
I’ve been here before
I’ll carry this weight for your smallest reward
Because I’ll continue to break down the door
Just let me in I swear
It will not be like before

Can’t think of what to say
I can’t think of what to do
I just think I might be losing my mind
Can’t stop this agony
Cancel my therapy cause
I just thought of you
and now I feel fine

Collecting the strangest conscience
Apathy returns it’s offense
But only after I get moving
Relax and being the change
In time for the newest age
To help me find out what I’m missing in here


__________________________________________________________________


Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time


Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds


_____________________________________________________


The obvious heart has come to collect
Cause it tore apart like a tortured insect
The obvious heart waits here to heal
And balances out a subtle reveal


Cause there’s a remedy close
In a familiar dose
This bitter pill to swallow
Is last in the bottle tonight
You’re empty it’s alright


And full of yourself
No need to explain
To anyone else
Broken in time
Taken what’s left
No need to deny
The cause or effect

This heart is not a broken one
But where have all the colors gone
It’s still among the lucky ones

This heart is not a broken one
But where have all the colors gone
You’re still among the lucky ones
And burning longer than the sun

Cause there’s a remedy close
In a familiar dose
Now you can find out who knows
Soaking the truth that she says
In taken chances

*Psychobabble*

So ummm...

Why do I still feel sick when I hear it? I hate it.

I went down to the docks today, cleaned out my car, did homework... came home, ate dinner, took a nap which I didn't actually wake up from until way too late...

And I'm really annoyed that it still makes me sick to think about. It's been a while. I should really not be physically reacting to it.

Maybe it's because it was love.

Was. And i wish it was is.

I'll find someone. But I can't even look until this sickness no longer takes hold of me after those words.

*But I'm Hungry...*

I got my car back Yay! I went down to the docks and cleaned everything that was lying around. it was kinda messy. Whoops.

I decided that I have zero privacy at this house.. my parents go through my stuff all the time without thinking to find whatever or help clean or something. And it's not that big of a deal because I'm a perfect angel (HAHA) but I decided to tell my mom about the cigarettes. She thought I was weird for wasting my money, and I don't think she believes that I won't smoke them. But seriously now, I'm asthmatic. That'd be really stupid. I really hate smoking, gross, and I don't intend on ever trying it. But I do own Capris now :-) I'm so odd.

Then I told her about our tattoos and she mentioned it in front of my dad and he like flipped. He said there were complications with your skin or something and to talk to this 80-year-old guy who probably tattooed himself 60 years ago. I just laughed and told him I was just going to get something small, and I don't have any money anyway, so calm down.

My mom wants me to do work and I want to go see Phantom and go to bed. But whatever .. work I shall. I have to work tomorrow at 5 and tell em that I can't work on April 2nd (trip to N Jersey/Concert with Daniel) and April 5th (Yankees/Red Sox game with Mike) :-D Boo-yah for good times.

*That's More Like It*

*sigh*

I went to see Pastor Brian .. he's so sweet, I wish he wasn't going to Ocean City but it's not like I won't see him at work all the time. Everyones being such a sweet support, I love them all. I am so blessed.

The bass player Daniel and I have been emailing back and forth. It's really cool. I love boys, even though they make life difficult slash crazy.

This morning my mom woke me up and asked if I needed anything from the store. I was still half asleep, and she told me I mumbled out "Blonde... blue eyes... 5'10''... not named mike"

lol. I'm losing my mind. Which is exactly why I'm not dealing with that for a while.

My car's in the shop and I miss it. I drove my mom's van to the church and I was like 40000 feet up in the air and 300000 feet wide. it was scary. I love my car. I hope Mike takes good care of it and tells me it's absolutely in perfect condition.. and free.

Anyways I'm gonna go drink my tea and wait for Mike to call and say my car is ready :-D

*Shizit*

OMG why am I sitting here I had to be somewhere ten minutes ago....
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*Ordinary*

Today was interesting yet uneventful.

I put on ski pants and got in my car but had nowhere to go. So I sat on the couch in my ski freakin overall things and big boots and watched Butterfly Effect... Ashton kissed me... good movie, I liked it despite what everyone else said.

Then dad came home, pizza, Shannon came over, the fireplace blew out a glass door.

Shannon made me change so I put on black UFOs, a black tank top and a block sweater, complete with a black purse and a pink hat. haha. and black eyeliner and lip liner. interesting. it's fun not looking like plain old me for once.

So Shannon and I went out to wawa.. I have $130 left.. finally bought the cigarettes I wanted, and I'm a loser because I don't even plan on opening them. I hate smoking, I've never done it, and I don't intend to. But the box is so pretty and I just felt so darn cool. And I got carded for the first time.

Kay, so I'm still only 18 and enjoying the new freedom, whatever that is. So we picked up Ishai and Mike didn't come so it was just the three of us so I felt a little left out but whatever. We saw that movie.. uhh.. million dollar baby.. but I still dont understand because there was no baby or money to be found in that movie.. but it was good, we went to the diner, nachos and hot chocolate, paid in all ones, young guys sitting in the booth next to us, decided I have to stick to older guys.

So on the way home I was talking to Shannon about Martin and it actually made me think for the first time that there's even a chance. But I'm not even thinking about it now because I'm well aware that I'm not getting into a relationship, not even a small chance anywhere in the near future. I'm smarter than that. So there.

So now I'm home with $2 and a sleepy head.

So sleep I shall. Until tomorrow... stay true.

3.23.2005

*Cold Rain*

I keep saying I wanna go out to the bay and sit in my car in the rain but I think I just want to lay in bed. I love the rain... when it's warm. But today I just feel .. blah.

.. I wish I had someone to hold me and keep me warm ..
because i was bored... dontbotherreading.blogspot.com

3.22.2005

*That Would Be Alright... Alright*

So Okay.. for one thing, I got this sweet adorable picture in my email from the lovely Heather.


Me & Daniel-- Bass for Ceili Rain

Aaaaaand I went to work today. Not too bad, boring videos, disorganization... lots of new people that don't know what they're doing more than I do... or don't. Going to a meeting at 5 on Friday at the new store, check it out.. loveliness.

I'm going to a Yankees/Red Sox game with Mike (V), I think.. and probably hanging with him next week. *sigh* .. What's with the name, eh?

I have to head out to the doctors and then to Philly to pick up Shannon! I'm so excited! And hopefully hanging out with Lisa and Ingrid and maybe Amy this week :-) I hope everything works out.. I love being busy. :-)

*Five More Minutes, Mom*

*YawN*

It's gonna be a long day, so I treated myself to an extra hour of sleep since I'm not picking Shannon up from Philly until ten.

I have to go to training at Staples from 4-6 and my dad just informed me that he wants me to work for this guy Petroni in Atlantic City.. and he'd rather I quit Staples for that. I'm like woah woah, you guys forced me to go to the Staples interview and begged me to take the job. They said I could transfer to Grantham so I could take my car to school and go to work there and pay the extra one thou to have my car insured there. Ohhh man.

But anyway all this means I suppose is that I'm going to have 3 real jobs. I had 3 last summer but it was like .. 3 fake ones-- I only trained for the bank, I was a beauty consultant on my own time, and then Laura's. This year I'm working Staples part time, Petroni's part time, and Laura's part.. slash full time. And then I'm going to college for two classes so I can be a Sophomore. Holy crap.

Ohhh man. I have a tummy ache. I'm never going to have any friends or ever get to drive to see my roommates again or ever visit with Lisa and Ingrid or ever go see Daniel in Tuckerton..

.. Speaking of Daniel.. no calls, no emails. I suppose it's only been one day. But i mean, if a guy's gonna call, he'd pretty much do it on the first day wouldn't he, if it really mattered?

Well, either way, I guess I'm not really caring too much because it's not like I expect guys to call. I was on the phone with Greg last night and he switched over to another call and after like 7 minutes I hung up and he never called me back. It's like, you know what, whatever. Guys just don't get it.

Someday, I'll be worth something to someone.

Until then.. I'm going back to bed.

3.21.2005

*Take A Sec*

I know I haven't updated, and you're very disappointed, because reading my journal is your life. Haha.. riiight. So yeah...Today was crazy. I woke up too late to be on my little schedule that I wanted to be on and then spent the day feeling useless and behind. I have a ton of laundry to do, and didn't get much homework done.. which I guess isn't really that big a deal.

Anyways, last night was sweet wonderfulness. I FINALLY got to go to a Ceili Rain concert-- they're a Christian Celtic Rock Band... totally original which I think is awesome. I saw them the first year they were at my church but then I couldn't come the next two years because of the musical rehearsals for high school. Well, I'm glad I wasn't at school this year because I got to see em.

Aaaand, they have this new bassist. Well, I guess he's not that new, but, he wasn't there three years ago so that's new enough for me. Either way, he's adorable, and 19. His smile totally lit up the whole stage.. it was almost like he kept the band happy the whole time... with his big smile and obviously wonderful stage presence. Afterwards I felt really stupid getting his 'autograph'... I feel totally stupid now being like that.. I don't even think I could go see Jesse, I'm totally too old for this. lol, I dunno what changed but..

Anyways, Heather got a picture of us (I will post it when she sends it), and then we stuck around and for some reason, and all the adults started making fun of me because I'm the only one his age and he had like, a fan club cause all the girls thought he was cute. So they said I should give him my number and I was like... no way in hell, i've never ever in my life done something that crazy before.

Needless to say, Mrs. Sabath already had my name number and email on a piece of paper and walked over and handed it to him-- to which I reacted by charging toward my car. haha. But then he caught up with me ... ohhh I was so embarrassed. I think I invented a new shade of red. I told Jenni, I think I blushed down to my belly button. It was so embarassing, but he was so sweet. He gave me his card which had his website and number on it... very official... so I gave him my "Laura's Fudge" card.. haha, my chocolate career. He's from NY (I wish I could get past those 845 area codes, lol) and he's gonna be in Jersey in a few short weeks, playing in Tuckerton, which is only about 20 mins from here. I wish Shannon was going to be here. Anyone wanna come with?

So anyway, I had quite an eventful night. I swear I even smiled in my sleep. It was nice for a change. But I woke up this morning all rushed and it kinda messed it up.

Oh well. The doctor said I have to try to notice if I'm feeling better. I think I do, maybe? I don't really know. Last night made me too happy to tell, lol.

Anyways I spent the day at the docks mostly, studying for Psych that I don't have until August, lol. Aaand eating blue sugared peeps and cherry pepsi and petting the cutest cocker spaniel that came and jumped on my new car, hehe. Oh, and listening to the new Ceili Rain CD. Verrrry nice.

Ohhhh guess what Jenni? I accidentally bought- get this- post-it index cards that are restickable-- they'd be perfect for door quotes, especially the restickable part cause I know how you rearrange, dear.

Haha, I dunno why post it index cards are so exciting but.. I'm gonna go outside and clean out my car and maybe go back down to the docks. I love it there so much, I don't know why I hadn't been there in so long. The sun sparkles on the bay like pixie dust as it goes down and it's almost like I'm in a fairytale.

I can't wait until its warm again and I can go to the beach, or at least sit on the docks instead of in my car :-)

*Lonely And So Cold*

--- very exciting news from last night's concert to follow ;-) ---

3.20.2005

*Fighting Elves*

A few comments about the night:

The movie.. Sideways--

Well, you know what really annoyed me the most?

The one guy asked if the other guy had another pair of shoes to wear.

He said no.

But he wore different shoes during the course of the movie!

If you have seen it, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. In fact, it probably should've annoyed me hella more that it involved a guy who likes to cheat on his fiance. I love cheating, lying, drinking guys. It makes the world a better (slash shittier) place to live in.

Either way, it was nice, even though Martin drives a Honda. It was a night free of phone calls, which I think I needed for once, although I miss Greg and I hope he's getting better.

Martin. Who would have thought.

For once, it was a nice Saturday night. Probably the best since. Well, you know.

I'm not really going to sleep but at least I'm honest.

Jenni and Ali-- 11:00. But not a minute over.

3.19.2005

*I Love My Roomies!*

Jenni sent me the CUTEST little package... I LOVE HER SO MUCH!

But uh-oh it came with a picture of 24!

Jennnnnni, you're encouraging me!!!

lol.. I love you girl, you're the bestest ever.

*Comfortability A Plus*

Do I really have to take a shower and put jeans on?

What a bummer.

I forgot that this whole "dating" theory actually involved me getting outta bed.

Well, I dunno if tonight is considered a date, but I do think I should actually get dressed for it.

I don't wanna. I'm so lazy and comfy. I just wanna sit and do nothing.

Monday, it's all over.. I'm starting a regimented (I don't even know what that means) schedule involving eating three (healthy!) meals instead of zero (woaH!), studying for classes that I'm taking in the fall (weird..), exercising, doing laundry, and cleaning dishes.

I just wanna go back to Messiah!!!!

*I Need Another Hat*

I think this is the first thing I've laughed at in a while:

From the wedding singer (and by the way, it's not personal to me, lol, just freaking hysterical when adam sandler does it)

You don't know how much I need you.
While you're near me I don't feel blue.
And when we kiss I know that you need me too.
I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true.

But it all was bullshit.
It was a goddam joke.
And when I think of you Linda,
I hope you fucking choke.

I hope you're glad with what you've done to me.
I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.
You left me here all alone, tears running constantly.

Oh somebody kill me please,
somebody kill me plee-ase,
I'm on my knees,
pretty pretty please kill me.

I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head.


lmao. you have to hear it. i love adam sandler. whew. okay sorry.

By the way, I have an interview with Staples tomorrow, much to my mother's delight.. and a manager of "FADs" calling tomorrow to offer me a job. We'll see who wants to pay me more and help me keep my car ;-)

*Singing In The Rain*

Well, I can't stop.

And I don't know what to do.

Yes, I do. There's about a thousand things I could do.

But I know I'm going to run away from it all anyway.

So I may as well go now.

*It's Gonna Make You Cry (I Hate You)*

dear man that i haven't met yet that i intend on marrying,

i hope you're really good to me, because i've been through a lot. maybe my heart is in a million pieces, but i hope you'll accept it the way it is. I'll work on getting the scotch tape to hold it.. but the wind keeps blowing, and tape just won't hold.

of course, you say, you're a man, and you have duct tape. my hero!

either way, i don't ask for much. i'm pretty low-maintenance.. i even hold doors. i just want you to sweep me off my feet and carry me away into the sunset. wildflowers that you picked yourself would be nice too, but i'm not picky :-)

maybe today while i'm out i'll pass by you and not even know! i hope i get a whiff of your smell and get that feeling like on sleepless in seattle when he first sees her in the airport. i probably won't chase you like that though, i'm a little shy.

i hope you don't mind calling the pizza guy for me and getting showered with really sentimentally-packed gifts of love that i love to make. i can't help it. that's just me.

i hope it doesn't take me forever to meet you. i'm getting lonely and bored with the love game, and i want to at least have all the pieces when i find you... but it does feel like i'm letting them fly away in the wind.

i hope you saved yourself for me as i saved myself for you. i believe with all my heart that it's worth it. true love really does wait.

and even though i'm getting rather impatient, i hope when i find you i know. and i hope on our wedding day you carry me into the car and tell me you love me, and in that moment i will come alive in a way i never was before.

love is patient. and it's hopeful, too :-)

3.18.2005

What I feel like:
.
.
.
.
.


What I wanna feel like:
.
.
.
.



*Rain*

Rain.. falling down.. outta my eyes baby.. and I'm wondering why..

Well, it's cold outside and it's not summer anymore... and so I have to go inside and shut the door... perhaps if you were here, the weather wouldn't seem as bad... but since you've been gone I've been so very sad...

I can't say I don't miss everything before I knew...

I can't say I do miss anything after...

Some days I feel like getting myself together...

Some days I just feel like breaking down...

But most days I don't really feel at all...

It's like I'm just here...

I don't want to wish my days away... But I am such a loving person, and being without someone to love feels so unnatural...

I feel sick, and sad... really sad...

I just want to feel good again! Is it really worth the fight? I don't want to give in and I don't want to fall apart.. But I feel like there's nothing left. I'm pushing a cinderblock wall towards the heavens, and I'm buckling under the pressure.. and all I want is someone to come along, smile, swing me up into his arms, and drive me away in his old beat-up truck into the sunrise.

How come life is always like the bad parts of movies but never the happily ever after?

*Time And Time Again*

I'm gonna watch movies and eat junk food all night.

And theres nothing you can do to stop me :-P

*Too Much Time On My Hands*

Your full name:: Sarah Kathryn Hayden
Height: five four and one fourth
Weight: one oh four today ;-)
Natural hair colour:: brown
Eye colour:: hazel
Number of siblings:: zero
Glasses/contacts?:: both
Piercings:: ears/belly
Tattoos:: :-D Two in the near future!!
Braces?:: not anymore

FAVOURITE
Colour:: orange
Band:: Dream Street.. hehe
Stuffed animal:: Mutt
TV show:: Boy Meets World
Movie:: Ten things, Recruit, Minority Report
Book:: Undercurrents
Food:: pizza
Game on a cell phone:: Tetris
CD cover:: Hard Candy - Counting Crows
Flower:: Daisies
Scent:: Breathless
Animal:: puppies
Cereal:: honey nut cheerios
Website:: Jesse McCartney dot com

DO YOU
Play an instrument?:: yep
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?:: nope
Like to sing?:: yes
Have a job?:: yes
Have a cell phone?:: yes
Like to play sports?:: yes
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:: no
Live somewhere NOT in the united states?:: no
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?:: no
Have any special talents/skills?:: yes
Excercise daily?:: yes
Like school?:: yes

CAN YOU
Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?:: yes
Speak any other languages?:: yes
Go a day without food?:: yes
Stay up for more than 24 hours?:: yes
Roll your tongue?:: yes
Eat a whole pizza?:: yes

HAVE YOU EVER
Snuck out of the house?:: no
Cried to get out of trouble?:: yes
Gotten lost in your city?:: yes
Seen a shooting star?:: yes *sigh*
Been to any other countries besides the united states?:: yes
Had a serious surgery?:: wisdom teeth :-Stolen something important to someone else?:: no
Solved a rubiks cube?:: yes
Gone out in public in your pajamas?:: i think the real question is do i ever wear real clothes?
Cried over a girl?:: no
Cried over a boy?:: yes
Kissed a random stranger?:: no
Hugged a random stranger?:: yes
Been in a fist fight?:: no
Been arrested?:: no
Done drugs?:: no
Had alcohol?:: no
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?:: no
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?:: yes
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?:: yes
Swore at your parents?:: yes
Been to warped tour?:: no
Kicked a guy where it hurts?:: yes
Been in love?:: yes
Been close to love?:: yes
Been to a casino?:: yes
Ran over an animal and killed it?:: no
Broken a bone?:: yes
Gotten stitches?:: yes
Had a waterballoon fight in winter?:: no
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?:: no
Made homemade muffins?:: yes
Bitten someone?:: yes
Been to disneyland/disneyworld?:: both
More than 5 times?:: total, between the two.. i think 5 exactly
Been to niagra falls?:: no
Gotten the chicken pox?:: yes

WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU
Brushed your teeth:: this morning
Went to the bathroom:: this morning
Saw a movie in theaters:: Finding Neverland.. whenever that was out, a while ago
Read a book:: Puerto Rico, December
Had a snow day:: last year
Had a party:: Christmas
Had a slumber party:: every night is a slumber party in Grantham 302 :-)
Made fun of someone:: hm... last time I was with Mikhil
Tripped in front of someone: like every day
Went to the grocery store:: yesterday
Got sick:: last night
Cursed:: fuck fuck shit. just now.

PICK ONE
Fruit/vegetables:: fruit
Black/white:: black
Lights on/lights off:: lights off
TV/movie:: movie
Car/truck:: car
Body spray/lotion:: lotion
Cash/check:: cash
Pillows/blankets:: blankets
Headache/stomach ache:: headache
Paint/charcoal:: paint
Chinese food/mexican food:: hmm..
Summer/winter:: summer
Snow/rain:: rain
Fog/misty:: misty
Rock/rap:: rock
Meat/vegetarian:: meat
Chocolate/vanilla:: depends on my mood
Sprinkles/icing:: oooo hard choice!
Cake/pie:: also hard choice!
French toast/french fries:: fries
Strawberries/blueberries:: strawberries (teehee blueberries!!)
Ocean/swimming pool:: ocean
Hugs/kisses:: bothhhhh
Cookies/muffins:: bothhhhh
Wallet/pocket:: wallet
Window/door:: window
Emo/goth:: emo
Pink/purple:: pink
Cat/dog:: both
Long sleeve/short sleeve:: long sleeve
Pants/shorts:: hmmm
Winter break/spring break:: spring.. maybe.. although this ones been shitty
Spring/autumn:: spring
Clouds/clear sky:: clear
Moon/mars:: moon

FRIENDSHIP
How many friends do you have?:: i dont know
What are their names?:: nannon nenni ali and cashmere and boys
Have you ever liked one of your friends?:: no, I pretty much hate them all
Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?:: guy
Have you ever lost a friend?:: yes
Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?:: yes
Whats an inside joke between you and a friend?:: hmm... I think that's a ... 10:30... Ali: no ! at least an 11! ... 10:25.
Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?:: yes
Whats the nicest thing youve ever done for a friend?:: i dunno
Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?:: love
Do you miss any of your old friends?:: yes
What friend have you known the longest?:: Shannon
Do you regret anything you've done to a friend?:: yes
If so, what is it?:: A lot
How often do you spend time with your friends?:: not too much
Has a friend of yours ever died?:: no
Whats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?:: hehe
What do you think your friends think of you?:: beats me

LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP
Have you ever been in love?:: yes
Are you in a relationship?:: no
If so, for how long?::
Do you believe there is someone for everyone?:: not everyone
What is your idea of the best date?:: sleeping
Do you think love is a load of shit?:: sometimes
Whats the best experience youve ever had with the opposite sex?:: everything with mike .. walk with johnny d .. puerto rico with mickey (minus new years) .. etc ..
If you are single, have you had any boyfriends/girlfriends before?:: yes
Have you ever been dumped?:: yes
Have you ever dumped someone?:: yes
Whats the most sexual thing youve done with the opposite sex?:: a light peck on the cheek

WORD ASSOCIATION
Slippers:: blue
Hat:: pink
Hard:: candy
Free:: ipod
Space:: office
Taste:: key lime pie
Good Charlotte:: boys
Red:: apple
Deep:: ocean
Heart:: vday=death
Cord:: snake
Cheese:: yummy
Rain:: like hell on the losers day parade
Work:: never gonna get out of this house
Pedal:: bike
Head:: waterproof mascara
Bed:: warm
Fluff:: marshmallows
Hardcore:: oh my..
Race:: Stephen Curtis Chapman
Knife:: pie
Jump:: how high?

I...
am:: tired
want:: to sleep
need:: to eat
crave:: pepsi
love:: 24's
hate:: immaturity
did:: n't.
feel:: useless
miss:: the old mike and jenni and ali
am annoyed by:: immaturity
would rather:: be snowboarding or surfing
am tired of:: being lonely and bored
will always:: be me

SILLY STUFF
What is your favourite genre of music? rock
What time is it now?:: three thirty
What day is it?:: Friday
Whens the last time you called someone?:: yesterday
How much money do you have right now?:: eighty eight dollars
Are you hungry?:: not really
Whatcha doin?:: this
Do you like parades?:: only ones with jesse
Do you like the moon?:: yes
What are you going to do when youre done with this?:: go to the library and listen to lotr on CD at the docks, hopefully
If you could have any magical power what would it be?:: the ability to be loved and not cheated on
Have you ever had a picnic?:: YES! :-D I miss picnics~!
Did you ever have one of those skip-its when you were young?:: yes
What about sock em boppers?:: no, but Shannon's brother did
Are you wearing any socks right now?:: yes

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
funny?:: sometimes
pretty?: no
sarcastic?:: yes
lazy?:: yes
hyper?:: no
friendly?:: yes
evil?:: sometimes
smart?:: no
strong?:: sometimes
talented?:: sometimes
dorky?:: yes

FOR OR AGAINST
suicide:: against
love:: for
drunk drivers:: against
airplanes:: i dont like em but they're useful
war:: against but i know they're necessary
united states:: for..
rock music:: for
gay marriage:: against
school:: for
surveys:: against, duh
parents:: wellll uhhh
cars:: for
killing:: against
britney spears:: against
coffee:: against
pants:: haha, against! NO MORE PANTS!

WOULD YOU EVER
Sky dive?:: yes
Play strip poker?:: yes
Run away?:: yes
Curse at a teacher?:: yes
Not take a shower for a week?:: yes .. camping
Ask someone out?:: yes
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?:: yes
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?:: yes
Go scuba diving?:: yes, but i'd be scared and probably suffocate
Write a book?:: yes
Become a rockstar?:: yes
Have casual sex?:: probably not

LAST QUESTIONS
What shampoo do you use?:: strawberry
Whens the last time you did something sexual with the opposite sex?:: im a virgin
What kind of computer do you have?:: hp
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?:: not really
Or just make out?:: hehe.. :-\ yes
How many posters do you have in your room?:: none
How many CDs do you have?:: not too many
What time is it now?:: three thirty-six

A - Accent: joisey (not really)
B - Breast size: NOYB
C - Chore you hate: vacuuming
D - Dad's name: Glenn
E - Essential make-up: genetic
F - Favourite perfume/ cologne: breathless
G - Gold or Silver: gold
H - Hometown: Smithville, New Jersey
I - Insomnia: always
J - Job title: manager
K - Kids: three
L - Living arrangements: Jenni and Ali
M - Mom's birthplace: Brooklyn, NY (hmm.. or Vermont?)
O - Overnight hospital stays: never
P - Phobia: loneliness
Q - Favorite Quote: idk
R - Religious affiliation: United Methodist
S - Siblings: none
T - Time you wake up: noon
U - Unnatural hair colours you've worn: blonde highlights
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: everything but celery and cucumbers
W - Worst habit: everything
X - X-rays you've had: chest, finger
Y - Yummy foods you make: all kinds o stuff :-)
Z - Zodiac sign: Virgo, get it?

*They're Sporting!*

So heres the thing..

Is it wrong that it bothers me that my last kiss was Mike when his last kiss .. wasn't?

It just makes me sad. I know I shouldn't think about it but. I did.

Am I allowed to kiss someone else to make that go away?

I wish I was strong enough to date someone again. I just can't. I have zero desire to.

*ginormousigh*

I need to stop thinking and get outta here.

*Overheating*

I felt sooooooo dizzy last night. It wasn't even funny. Especially when I laid down to sleep. I really wanted to talk to Greg but he's sick and went to bed early and I just had to go to sleep. Course, it takes me like 2 hours of patiently waiting for sleep to arrive, but after that it seems I slept right until the alarm, which is kinda nice.

I'm running on empty.. I feel all sick and gross and it's really not helping the situation. But I suppose that I couldn't have expected everything to be wonderful after I left school and for things to just start getting better.

But I am working hard, admittedly, even though I sit at home most of the day. There really isn't much I can do because I don't have a job and I don't have school. But.. I have been looking for a job and whatnot. I don't really wanna call Staples back. Argh.

I wish Mickey was feeling better and we could hang out. I know that's kinda weird of me to say but.. we were really close. I just think it would be nice. And I'd like to just see him and .. I don't know. It's kinda weird, I guess. It would just be cool. I hope he feels better though anyways :-)

Well, into the shower with me to wash away the dreams of years past that I do not wish to ponder on today. *sigh*

*Because I'm Bored*

.001. ] Name: Sarah
.002. ] Gender: chickie
.003. ] Location: Jersey
.004. ] Height: five four and one fourth!
.005. ] Hair color: brown.. with red/blonde highlights in the summer—real ones!
.006. ] Eye color: hazel
.007. ] Is your hair long or short: short
.008. ] Tattoos you have: ooo I’m getting two !!

» S C H O O L «

.009. ] Are you still in school: technically I’m still enrolled
.010. ] Favorite subject: Psychology
.011. ] Least favorite subject: History 104S
.012. ] Do/did you buy lunch or bring it: buy in HS bring in MS

» F A V O R I T E «

.013. ] Number: seventy-seven, twelve
.014. ] Clothing brand: Lilu, Roxy, Speechless
.015. ] Tv show: Summerland
.016. ] Fruit: strawberry
.017. ] Movie: Ten Things I Hate About You, The Recruit, Minority Report
.018. ] Scent: Breathless by Victoria’s Secret, 8 by Abercrombie & Fitch, on guys, Domain by Mary Kay
.019. ] Ice cream flavor: mmm.. I think it changed with my mood but there’s mint oreo in the fridge callin my name 
.020. ] Color: orange/pink
.021. ] Season: summmmer
.022. ] Holiday: I currently don’t believe in celebrating holidays
.023. ] Thing in your room: my comfy cozy queen size bed and thousands of journals
.024. ] Books: Undercurrents, You Don’t Know Me, In Her Shoes… etc
.025. ] TV channel: ABC Family, Disney, WB17
.026. ] Shape: diamond
.027. ] Time: 11:11PM
.028. ] State: Virginia, Florida
.029. ] Boys name: Jacob
.030. ] Girls name: Sadie, Kathryn
.031. ] Disney character: Tinkerbell
.032. ] Scary movie: The Grudge (haha not)

» T H I S O R T H A T «

.033. ] Hot or cold: hot
.034. ] Winter or summer: summer
.035. ] Spring or fall: spring
.036. ] Shakira or Britney: Britney
.037. ] MTV or VH1: MTV
.038. ] Rollarblading or skateboarding: rollerblading
.039. ] Black or white: black
.040. ] Orange or red: orange
.041. ] Yellow or green: green
.042. ] purple or pink: pink
.043. ] Cell phone or pager: cell phone
.044. ] Powerpuff Girls or Charlie's Angels: Charlie's Angels
.045. ] Scooby doo or Dino: Scooby Doo

» Y E S O R N O «

.046. ] Are you a vegetarian: no
.047. ] Do you like cows: yes
.048. ] Are you a bitch: sometimes
.049. ] Are you artistic: sometimes
.050. ] Do you write poetry: yes
.051. ] Can you ski: no
.052. ] Are you British: no
.053. ] Are you straight: yes
.054. ] Are you evil: sometimes
.055. ] Is Britney a whore: yes
.056. ] Are you secretly from another planet: yes

» P R I V A T E «

.057. ] Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: no
.058. ] Do you have a crush: no
.059. ] Do you love anyone right now: no
.060. ] Have you ever been in love: yes
.061. ] Do you go by looks or personality: both
.062. ] do you smoke: no
.063. ] Do you smoke weed: no
.064. ] Crack, heroin, anything else: no
.065. ] Beer good or beer bad: bad for me
.066. ] Are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: no

» T H E L A S T «

.067. ] Thing you ate: key lime pie
.068. ] Thing you drank: wild cherry pepsi
.069. ] Place you went: Galloway Diner
.070. ] Thing you got pierced/tattooed: second holes (regular)
.071. ] Song you heard: :Whatcha Gonna Do—COPS theme song
.072. ] Person you instant messaged: Greg
.073. ] Person you laughed with: Jenni

» N O W «

.074. ] What are you eating: nothing
.075. ] What are you drinking: nothing
.076. ] Any shoes on: no
.077. ] Hair: messy
.078. ] Listening to: Full House on TV
.079. ] Talking to anyone: no

last...

Last Cigarette: never
Last Alcoholic Drink: never
Last Car Ride: last night
Last Kiss: Port Authority
Last Good Cry: yesterday
Last Library Book: I am never taking books out at Messiah again…
Last book bought: schoolbooks
Last Book Read: Good In Bed
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: Umm.. Finding Neverland
Last Movie Rented: Numbers
Last Cuss Word Uttered: shit
Last Beverage Drank: cherry pepsi
Last Food Consumed: key lime pie
Last Crush: Danny
Last Phone Call: Justin
Last TV Show: Full House
Last Time Showered: last night
Last Shoes Worn: Uggs
Last CD Played: SR-71
Last Item Bought: flowers, key lime pie, soda, a lemon, and a lime
Last Download: Probably Honda freakin pics from one of my Honda-obsessed friends *rolls eyes*
Last Annoyance: alarm clockness
Last Disappointment: Valentines Day slash life
Last Soda Drank: Cherry Pepsi
Last Thing Written: “I Love You. Love, Sarah”
Last Key Used: left arrow
Last Words Spoken: “I’ll be around. That’s fine. Bye Justin.”
Last Sleep: last night
Last Ice Cream Eaten: mint oreo
Last Chair Sat In: this one
Last Webpage Visited: Nannon’s Blog

3.17.2005

I don't think I'll be saying "happy st. patricks day", so don't count on it. I have very distinct memories of thinking the last happy holiday was going to be the happiest ever.. and needless to say, I was a tiny bit disappointed.

Tonight wasn't too bad. We went to an authentic Irish Pub-- like they imported the whole pub from Ireland, floor boards and all. That was nice, but I was soooo out of it, and I hate being depressed-like when my grandmother is around. I'd like her to think I'm happy as always.

But I'm not. I'm not the same person from when I left for college. I had to do a lot of growing up-- maybe some of it was not the good kind of growing up.

All I can say is, I plucked out 4 grey hairs this morning when I got out of the shower. That's usually not a good sign.

Alicia and Jenni, I want you to come to Ireland with me over Christmas break next year.

untitled

if i drove my brand new car off the docks, maybe he'd give a shit for two
seconds. but i bet he wouldn't come to my funeral.

i'm just... sad. like i could cry for no reason at all. i'm going down to the docks because i'm tired of talking about it. I'm just sad, and I wish none of this would've happened between Mike and I.

*They Came, They Went, I Conquered!!!*

I slept right through the chainsaws outside my window this morning which officially makes me my own hero of the day. LoL. I woke up at nine to call Justin and the chainsaws were already going at it. I didn't even make it to the shower, I went right back to sleep in the spare room and slept until one-something, even though I didn't need it, just to prove that I could.

Hehe... hey, how long am I going to be able to do weird stuff like that without having missed a class.. or a day at work? You gotta live (slash sleep) while you have the chance ;-)

In his own defense, Mike emailed me today. I don't really wanna talk about it but.. I don't know.

Anyways My right arm is like... weirdly aching right now and I think that means that I need to grabs a Pepsi and go for a drive. lol. My grandmother and I are going to the casinos tonight to get drunk on green beer for St. Patricks Day! Kidding... we're going to the quarter just to hang out. My new car is perfect for her! I'm so excited. She doesn't get out much at all (and neither do i!!). It should be fun. I love my family.

Oops, and my dog, who is barking to go out. (thats right, she got a bark!)

*All The Lonely People*

So I went to the diner with Lauren to "help her work on her paper" slash get outta the house and not be sad. It was really nice. I like getting out more and I like loving people because that's just how I work.. I live to love.

I left the waitress a $5 tip on a $11 check and I bought Lauren flowers, and let me tell you something... that made me feel better than drugs and counseling combined.

I sent that "untitled" entry down there via email about a million years ago. I dunno why it took so long to post but I really felt that way.. and I really went down to the docks.

Let me tell you something, if I had only been holding on for him, I woulda been in there.

But I answer to a higher power, I suppose.

Anyways more Key Lime Pie and a little bit of sleep is callin my name.

3.16.2005

*I Know I Blogged Too Much Tonight But...*

HOLY CRAP.

I had forgotten that Key Lime Pie existed and I have no idea what reminded me but I am soooo getting some first thing tomorrow morning when the chain saws come to saw off my life. (then maybe ill go for a drive ;-)

*Isn't It IRONIC?*

I just thought I'd like to note that God works in mysterious ways.

I'm talking to seven people right now. Watch the weirdness unfold:

#1 Katie .. I met her in daycare and we reunited near the end of high school

#2 Lauren .. possibly the only person I met normally .. in choir in high school

#3 Schuyler .. ok I met him normally too in college

#4 Martin .. he IMed me before I started going to high school to offer help. what a sweetheart. and we have been talking online for 5 years and never actually hung out and now we're going to maybe.. weirdness.

#5 Justin .. The guy my ex-boyfriend famous to this blog, Mike, lives with now.

#6 Ingrid .. ex girlfriend of Mike from NY that I met through

#7 Lisa .. another ex of Mikes from NY

Oh bother. How weird is this. The bright side : all these people are sooo freakin cool :-D

*I just had to*

This is just too cute to not share with everyone...

*BrokenDreamz*

Suitable. Absolute perfection.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

*Crystal Clear*

I just want to clear something up ...

I haven't been psychotic about breaking up with Mike. I'm more than happy to say "better to have lived and loved then ... blah blah blah".

Yes, I am getting a little crazy now because he has a little problem with facing his past problems-- namely ex-girlfriends and even more namely, ME.

I am not giving up this fight because this is unfair. I'm a weak person but with this I am strong. I have every right to be upset, and I'm not going crazy.. just making sure he is aware that I'm not just letting him step all over me and then walk away.

Just to let the world and myself know exactly what my first reaction was to his leaving, I'm posting a letter I sent to him about two weeks after we broke up. Which he kindly ignored.

hey michael

i woke up thinking about
you so rather than feel sorry for
myself I thought I'd say hello and see how
you were doing. how is school and
living at justins.. the cars and the
friends and the parties? i wish you coulda
been here this weekend, we're
actually having a lot of fun at messiah-- and away
from messiah since i
brought my car. we made brownies on your floor and i went
into your room and
talked to pete for a sec. he's a cool guy-- probably the only
one that
doesn't scare me on your floor, lol. we also went sledding last night
which
was a lot of fun (esp since it was my first lottie-tray-sledding
experience)
but it was also really really cold. we came in and did weird stuff
all
night.. it woulda just been cooler with you there.

i still
have a package here for you. I came to pack
everything and take it home so I
guess I'll just bring the box home and send
it sometime. It's hard. I'm even
having a harder time talking to people than
I used to (like, people I don't know
I mean) so who knows if I'll ever get
out to UPS. I don't even know your
address. Could you send that to me so I
can at least write it on this stupid
box? it's nothing special..

i
really miss you mike, i have to admit.
cashmere got really big-- i can
hardly hold her like a baby anymore. i made
speghetti for my family a couple
nights ago. it wasn't as good as yours. I burnt
the onions because I forgot
what I was doing. My memory is totally slipping, it
sucks. But I can't seem
to forget how much I miss you sometimes. that really
sucks sometimes, too.

well, let me know how everything is going. i hope
this finds you
healthy and happy and smiling. have a great weekend mike.

sarah

Oh what a monster I really am.

I feel tired. And just.. completely.. useless in this situation. I hate inconveniencing people. But cheating on me was a slight inconvenience so I think I'm really asking for the bare minimum here.

I'm a monster. I know.

*One Hundred Per Cent*

I am getting out of hand with my driving. I wake up, take a drive. Come home, sit for two seconds, take a drive. I'm not even going anywhere. Maybe I should be like, a delivery driver or something.

Nah, that wouldn't be fun.

Either way, I really wanna go to the beach.

I think I'll wash my car. Yeah.. and then I think I'll... go for a drive.

*Blah Blah Blah*

I have to be at the office in 6 minutes.

Yay for waking up to "can you do me a big favor?" and actually having the car to do it.

No honestly, I like being busy.

And I like how I had a flashback last night to when I was 12 and Greg was asking me out on the phone in Shannon's room. Funny how it was not at all the same though.

I miss having a hand to hold.

3.15.2005

*Just In Case You Were Wondering*

Everyone knows the "cold, hard truth" about life.

Telling me it in hopes of fixing my point of view is futile.

In fact, it reverses the effects of everything I'm working to achieve.

Like positive thinking-- because lets face it, the cold hard truth is never ever positive.

It's like my freakout to Chuck. Throwing at me the "that's just life" lines just make me want to cry. Nothing really helps but love, no words needed.

*I Can't Get There Any Other Way*

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way


The doctors said I'm lucky I haven't had an attack-- my asthma's gotten considerably worse. Yay for going from mild to severe. You gotta love that. *sigh*

I noticed after they put me on the machine that I shake. I think it's all the time .. I think it's the stress.

My ears ring now, all the time that high pitched noise follows me around.

And my room isn't going to clean itself, I dont think, but I think I'll wait to see another day.

I've seen fire, and I've seen rain
.. but I always though that I'd see you one more time again.

I feel scatterbrained. And I wish I hadn't been so stupid to people all along this road.

I wish I could be that person I always wanted to be.

Revenge is never sweet.

I get it now. The butterfly effect.

*A Hand To Hold Onto*

I can tell I'm getting sick. My eyes hurt in the backs.. my head hurts before I even wake up.. my stomach does flip flops and flop flips all day and all night..

But enough complaining..

Jesse actually did some of the surfing on last night's Summerland.. isn't that cute? He's not a surfer at alllllll.. He's a baseball pitcher! And a cute one.. but he looks like a surfer so I'm so proud that he actually can!

Hehe, sorry... that's mah baby all growed up.


*memories* Ahh the day I met him in Point Pleasant .. July 2000 .. look at that pudgy cute babyface!! (not mine, uglyness.. lol)



Heheh... anyways I think it's time for Sarah to go out and get a Pepsi from her trunk (this whole "only drinking while I'm driving" thing is NOT working) and veg for a while and then go to the asthma doctor to get yelled at! Whooo!

3.14.2005

*Two Things*

Lyrics that are perfectly right :

Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Am I unlovable?

Cynical, jaded, faithless, disappointed, disillusioned, used
If I could take back all my sweat, my tears, my joy, I
would
My time, my love, my effort, passion, dedication
In case of mistaken identity I gave these things to you
If I sound angry, bitter, sad, infatuated, it's the truth
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, just a few
Stages of acceptance that it's really over
It's just so complicated and I'm stupid for believing in you

You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?

Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?

I had your back, I held you up, I told you you were good enough
It was not reciprocated, you kept affection and yourself apart
You fed your love to me like crumbs to pigeons in the park
Sometimes I think you're satisfied to see me begging like a dog

I wasn't armoured, you were king, I gave my everything
Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of you and then
For just a moment I romanticised the notion

I can take away the torment, I can love you like they never did

You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved
me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so
empty)

Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?

You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned
me)

You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so
empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?

Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Am I unlovable?
Are my words unlistenable?
Are my hands untouchable?
Am I undesirable?
Am I unlovable?

You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?


And a note:
One month ago, I was getting dumped right now.
Thank you God that no tears are falling from my eyes tonight.
Those tears were for someone I thought I was talking to. But they weren't at all. Not at all.