* s t a r d u s t a g a i n s t a p a l e s k y *

A falling star is a phenomenon to an adult and magic- a miracle- to a child. Who's right? Things are what you define them. So who am I? I guess it's up to you...

3.27.2005

*Walk The Talk*

I wake up now already knowing what kind of day its going to be.

I predict bad and unproductive.

Oh wait, that's every day.

It may have something to do with the sore throat I have from either the medication for my asthma or singing in my car for the 2 1/2 hour drive to Palisades. Or maybe it has to do with embarassing phone calls that I made this morning. I hate the phone. Or maybe it has to do with still not going to church. I haven't been to church for a really long time. Either way, I wish I didn't spend so much time thinking about all the stuff I really want to do (especially cleaning my room and unpacking from school). I still have boxes up here from Messiah. Three of them. And they just sit there and stare at me and.. I don't know what to do.

Yesterday I started crying in the car, randomly. This is so hard. It's like, I'm trying to act better, thinking that just acting better will make it better. But its like there's always a fall back to where I was afterward.

Like yesterday was so cool. Ingrid and Lisa were so sweet and Paul was funny and.. it was just so cool being with new people, even if I'm quiet and I wish I was more interesting. And then I came home and Martin came over and he's so cool and sweet.. ugh, I wish I deserved that kind of a guy. And then Shannon and Ishai came over and we watched my favorite movie and slept over and it was just.. so nice. So like, what happened? Why did I wake up in such a bad mood.

Because I can have fun but I still can't get anything done. And I still would rather be alone all the time. Like, being at my house while my parents were in Philly was so cool. It's like, I love my parents but I just feel so much less stressed when they're not here.

Mostly because all I ever do at home is disappoint them by not doing what they ask me.

Motivate me. I wanna get myself out of this bed. Captivate me. I want good thoughts inside of my head.

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